By Amai
Disclaimer- Digimon and all it's characters are not copyright me, but copyright Toei Animation/Bandai (there probably are others, but I can't remember offhand). I wish they were, but sadly, not all wishes come true. The only thing that's copyright me is this fanfic, so no stealing, kiddies.
Author's Notes- Wow, another Kensuke. Ack, I just love them too much...! And I'm kinda in a drought with the "Fool" story considering it's more of a kensuke/daisuke's thoughts on his friends and life than a pure kensuke. Okay...I'm a sucker, another kensuke (hopefully) series for you. I'll write something else...someday..*laughs* This one is short, just Ken dealing with his thoughts. It's quite confusing..I hope it's not too confusing for you! Well, I'll stop now. As always, R/R!
It was night at the soccer field. But Ken stood there anyway. This was the place where he saw him, Daisuke every time he practiced. Such a charismatic boy, he wondered he if had hurt some of that charisma when he was a slave to evil.
Evil. What is evil? He was sure that what he did was disgusting and immoral, but was it really...evil? It was a question that had always ringed through his mind. Ever since he had first seen Daisuke.
He considered his undying need to be with Daisuke as an evil. Love was an evil, in many ways. At first he thought it was a trick that formed in his confused mind while he was the Kaizer. Maybe he just needed someone to torture, that's what he was thinking. But now that he's not the same boy that he was before...he wondered why that feeling was still there.
He wondered why he was still standing in the middle of the field.
"I believe that the winds can carry one's deepest emotions all the way across the world. If I cannot tell you, Daisuke, that I love you....maybe the winds could.", Ken said softly. He hated to admit it, but he was afraid. Afraid to tell Daisuke his real feelings. Afraid of rejection. But that was perfectly normal for him...he had always been afraid. Afraid to let go of the fantasy of becoming his deceased brother through focusing only on studies, afraid of leaving the insanity he had grown accustomed to. Just afraid.
In more ways than one he considered himself insane. Yet...yet...
...he found comfort in that. But it wasn't enough. Wasn't enough to keep him from dreaming of his charismatic angel...
Or is it devil?
No, the correct saying would be "demon". A demon didn't have to be "bad" or "good".
Yes, Daisuke was his demon. He didn't know it yet, but he was.
"I've come to realizations about you...one's you don't even know. You don't understand. I may not belong with you, but you belong with me. Those two statements do not mean the same thing."
And they didn't. He could prove that by bringing that...girl...over to Daisuke. Hikari. Every day, every single day he would suffer through watching Daisuke gush over her, only to be pushed down.
She didn't love him. Maybe...she was afraid to tell him that.
Everyone's afraid of something.
But...fear in a way was awkwardly delicious to Ken. Maybe because he hadn't really since fear in Daisuke's eyes before.
"I want you to be afraid of me, sometimes...Daisuke. You're such a perfect demon, despite what other's think. I want to know why you're perfect...I want to break your perfect way."
Yes, to Ken Daisuke really was prefect. Perfect in all his faults.
"...but how could I break you if everything you did was perfect? I've agonized over this for many a day...because even a genius like me couldn't solve this problem..."
He still had no idea why he was standing in the field.
"Am I trying to prove something to myself? I'm so alone...I've always been, maybe that's why I want you. But, then if I'm alone I could have anyone couldn't I? Why you...? I want to break you and put you together. But fear is keeping me from that."
Fear was an evil too.
But then, he realized that even if fear was an evil, it was also a good as well. It was confusing, even to him.
But..
But....tomorrow was another day. Maybe he would learn the reason why everything was so confusing now.
At least he had found out why he had come out to the field. He picked up a fallen pair of goggles that someone must have forgotten during practice.
"Hopefully, Daisuke, the wind will send my thoughts to you. If not...then, you may never know if I don't destroy my fear...and your's as well."
Goggles in hand, Ken slowly left the night soccer field with his thoughts still in turmoil.
If I can't slay my demons, what can I do...?