The mornings arrive faster than I remembered they did. Maybe that was just
something that happened to me in New York, or maybe it is because I can't
sleep here. I enjoy the nights in Stars Hollow, it's the only time where I
can walk around town without feeling the sudden need to pack my bags and
run back home. Everything is quiet here at night, unlike New York.
I wonder if anyone will miss me.
I wonder if she will miss me. I hope she will, but keep telling myself that I can't care. It's too precious to care about. Anything involving her is always too precious. I wish we never kissed. It was for no good, and I knew that deep down inside. And yet, I felt hurt when she left. I missed her, now she will miss me.
This evil circle is not getting me anywhere. New York is calling after me, and Stars Hollow is kicking me out. It's obvious what I have to do, and that's why it pains me more and more. I'm not the guy who does the obvious things; I'm the guy who does anything but the obvious things. I kissed her, right?
In a depressing, sad way I'm sitting on the bridge saying goodbye to Stars Hollow. I let the grey smoke escape my mouth and stare down at the cigarette between my fingers. I never did quit, even though I promised her I would. It's not like any of that matters, or ever will make a difference.
I can feel her. Before answering a phone, I know it's her, and before opening the door, I know she's the one standing on the other side. Just like I can feel her now.
I look at the end of the bridge, waiting for her to appear. She does after a few seconds, and doesn't look surprised to see me. She doesn't look so happy either. Maybe she knows. Wouldn't be too surprising, since the whole town feeds on gossip and rumours, but I kind of wanted to tell her myself in a way.
Now she's sitting besides me, and we share the silence while looking at each other. She shows no emotion, and I try not to say anything inappropriate, like I always do.
"So you've heard." I say with a heavy sigh.
"Heard what?"
I feel the biggest kind of guilt when I see that she frowns at me, and have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about. Why does this keep happening to me? Why does she think that I can handle everything when she looks at me like that?
So I look away, down at my hands, at the water, at the half moon above us. Anywhere, but at her direction. She repeats her question, more concerned this time, and drags it out of me.
"I'm going back to New York."
At that moment, I swear I thought I heard her cry. I quickly look at her, worried sick that I might cause her tears. But I haven't. She just looks at me like I'm talking about going grocery shopping. I don't want to repeat what I just said, that is just unnecessary. Then, she nods as if she understands it but I know she doesn't. She doesn't want to understand.
And I don't care. Not anymore. Too much has happened for me to care. Everything I've done since I came to Stars Hollow has in some way been a kind of declaration for her. But now I am too tired and too bored to keep up with it, and I just want her to make up her mind.
"When?" She then says, with a sad tone in her voice.
Please, don't make this harder. "Tonight. Luke doesn't know."
"For how long?"
She looks at me with those pleasing eyes, those clear blue eyes that always pierce through me. But this time they won't make me stay. "Just for a while." I shrug, as if that will make the whole thing easier.
Again, she nods. "Just for a while." She repeats, fully aware of the fact that a while can be anything between a week and ten years for me. But she doesn't argue. She is making it easy for me, because she knows she has always made it hard for me before.
She knows I love her. At least, I hope so. And she doesn't love me, because she isn't stupid. She does however, care about me, somewhere in her. While sitting on the bridge, I rewind all the time we've spent together and try to think of all the good times we've shared.
Our first and last kiss at Sookie's wedding. The way she smiled when I told her that I loved "The Fountain head" after reading it about three times. When she asked me if I was going out with Shane, and the way she looked when I said I didn't. And this. Us, sitting on the bridge. It's too perfect. I have to do something to destroy this moment; otherwise I will never be able to leave.
Good things never come my way, that's why I have to say goodbye now before I screw it all up and kiss her. Then this would all be useless. So, with a simple look on my face I smile at her.
"Until next time." I stand up, and she looks up at me.
She doesn't stand up; she is too weak for it. I am getting weaker as well, but this is what I have to do. She smiles sadly at me, and then I walk away.
She is sobbing; I know she is. I can hear her so clearly. I'm still on the bridge, on the end of it. With my back facing her, I wish I could run back and make her stop crying. But that's not the right thing to do, and now is not the time to be a hero. I hate myself for continue to walk away, still hearing her tears fall, but New York is waiting for me.
I wonder if anyone will miss me.
I wonder if she will miss me. I hope she will, but keep telling myself that I can't care. It's too precious to care about. Anything involving her is always too precious. I wish we never kissed. It was for no good, and I knew that deep down inside. And yet, I felt hurt when she left. I missed her, now she will miss me.
This evil circle is not getting me anywhere. New York is calling after me, and Stars Hollow is kicking me out. It's obvious what I have to do, and that's why it pains me more and more. I'm not the guy who does the obvious things; I'm the guy who does anything but the obvious things. I kissed her, right?
In a depressing, sad way I'm sitting on the bridge saying goodbye to Stars Hollow. I let the grey smoke escape my mouth and stare down at the cigarette between my fingers. I never did quit, even though I promised her I would. It's not like any of that matters, or ever will make a difference.
I can feel her. Before answering a phone, I know it's her, and before opening the door, I know she's the one standing on the other side. Just like I can feel her now.
I look at the end of the bridge, waiting for her to appear. She does after a few seconds, and doesn't look surprised to see me. She doesn't look so happy either. Maybe she knows. Wouldn't be too surprising, since the whole town feeds on gossip and rumours, but I kind of wanted to tell her myself in a way.
Now she's sitting besides me, and we share the silence while looking at each other. She shows no emotion, and I try not to say anything inappropriate, like I always do.
"So you've heard." I say with a heavy sigh.
"Heard what?"
I feel the biggest kind of guilt when I see that she frowns at me, and have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about. Why does this keep happening to me? Why does she think that I can handle everything when she looks at me like that?
So I look away, down at my hands, at the water, at the half moon above us. Anywhere, but at her direction. She repeats her question, more concerned this time, and drags it out of me.
"I'm going back to New York."
At that moment, I swear I thought I heard her cry. I quickly look at her, worried sick that I might cause her tears. But I haven't. She just looks at me like I'm talking about going grocery shopping. I don't want to repeat what I just said, that is just unnecessary. Then, she nods as if she understands it but I know she doesn't. She doesn't want to understand.
And I don't care. Not anymore. Too much has happened for me to care. Everything I've done since I came to Stars Hollow has in some way been a kind of declaration for her. But now I am too tired and too bored to keep up with it, and I just want her to make up her mind.
"When?" She then says, with a sad tone in her voice.
Please, don't make this harder. "Tonight. Luke doesn't know."
"For how long?"
She looks at me with those pleasing eyes, those clear blue eyes that always pierce through me. But this time they won't make me stay. "Just for a while." I shrug, as if that will make the whole thing easier.
Again, she nods. "Just for a while." She repeats, fully aware of the fact that a while can be anything between a week and ten years for me. But she doesn't argue. She is making it easy for me, because she knows she has always made it hard for me before.
She knows I love her. At least, I hope so. And she doesn't love me, because she isn't stupid. She does however, care about me, somewhere in her. While sitting on the bridge, I rewind all the time we've spent together and try to think of all the good times we've shared.
Our first and last kiss at Sookie's wedding. The way she smiled when I told her that I loved "The Fountain head" after reading it about three times. When she asked me if I was going out with Shane, and the way she looked when I said I didn't. And this. Us, sitting on the bridge. It's too perfect. I have to do something to destroy this moment; otherwise I will never be able to leave.
Good things never come my way, that's why I have to say goodbye now before I screw it all up and kiss her. Then this would all be useless. So, with a simple look on my face I smile at her.
"Until next time." I stand up, and she looks up at me.
She doesn't stand up; she is too weak for it. I am getting weaker as well, but this is what I have to do. She smiles sadly at me, and then I walk away.
She is sobbing; I know she is. I can hear her so clearly. I'm still on the bridge, on the end of it. With my back facing her, I wish I could run back and make her stop crying. But that's not the right thing to do, and now is not the time to be a hero. I hate myself for continue to walk away, still hearing her tears fall, but New York is waiting for me.