A/N: Liv Wilder posted a picture on twitter saying it would be a sad prompt. I answered it.
Prompt: And she finally gave up, dropped the fake smiled as a tear ran down her cheek and whispered to herself, "I can't do this anymore."
Takes place at the end of Cops and Robbers.
She was torn.
A part of her was still riding the high of Castle being alive while another part of her was berating herself for wasting any more time.
How many more times were they going to be thrown into life-or-death situations? How much longer was she going to sit back and wait for everything to be perfect, for the stars to align?
The two glasses of wine with dinner made her barriers come down. Good and bad thoughts mingled together as she struggled to push them back into the recesses of her mind.
Alexis and Martha had excused themselves once dinner was consumed. She watched as Castle cleaned up before making her way over to his office.
She needed a minute.
Just one minute to erect her walls once more To keep the thoughts of almost losing him away.
Because she did almost lost him today. She almost lost the bright blue eyes that lit up when she was around. Almost lost the smile that made everything better.
And the thought of not having him in her life, not seeing him everyday or hearing his voice was enough to make her chest tighten with white hot pain.
Her head pounded, vivid images of finding Castle lying lifeless in the bank vault assaulted her mind as she tried to take in a deep breath. She needed to leave before she completely broke down.
"Hey," Beckett whirled around at the voice. "You okay?"
Kate took a second before nodding. "Yeah, I'm good." She smiled at him, hoping he would believe the lie.
Another lie.
It seemed like that's all she was doing lately. Lying to him.
Castle continued staring at her, as if he were assessing her. "Are you sure? You look a little pale." He moved from his place in the doorway to stand in front of her.
He was close.
So close she could feel the heat of his body. Beckett desperately wished she could reach out and touch him, to reassure herself that he was indeed in front of her, alive.
But she couldn't.
Not with everything that was standing between them.
And she gave up, dropped the fake smile as a tear ran down her cheek and whispered to herself, "I can't do this anymore."
Kate closed her eyes as Castle's thumb came up to wipe away the moisture. "Can't do what? Maybe I can help."
She backed away from him, eyes opening as more tears fell. "You're the problem, Castle!" Kate took a deep breath before launching into a rant. "You waltzed into my life four years ago and never left. You broke down every damn defense I had in place so I wouldn't get hurt and made me fall in love with you. You have given me so much; you've saved me in more ways than one. And what have I done fore you? I've done everything I could think of to push you away. I ran away, I ignored you. I lied to you." She was pacing the length of his office, the words falling from her mouth with little effort. It was as if a dam had broken.
"I heard you that day, when I was shot, I heard you. You told me to stay with you, that you loved me. And I tried so hard to fight, to stay. And those words gave me strength But it scared me so much, to think that you actually feel that way about me, it terrifies me. So I lied about not remembering. And I'm sorry I lied to you, Castle, because today made me realize how much I need you in my life." Her eyes finally met his as she stopped moving. "I'm so sorry, Castle."
He stood motionless for a moment, a blank expression on his face before he crossed the room and disappeared into his bedroom. Kate brought a hand up to her mouth to stifle the sobs that were threatening to escape. She leaned against the desk and cried. "God, I'm such a fucking mess," she mumbled, her eyes squeezed shut as she tried to stop the tears.
"Yeah," his voice was low as he spoke. "But a beautiful one."
She jumped at the sound and watched as he walked towards her. "You came back," she whispered meekly.
He didn't speak as he raised the damp washcloth in his hand to her face and began to gently wipe away the mascara and tears. Once finished, he deposited the rag on his desk before looking into her eyes." Kate," he began. "don't think I'm not angry just because I came back, because I am. You lied to me about something extremely important."
"I know, and I'm so-"
Castle placed his hand over her mouth. "My turn to talk." He waited for her to nod before speaking once more. "I understand why you lied, because this thing that we have terrifies me too. What if we risk our hearts and we implode? Hurt each other so much that we can't even manage to be in the same city because we're afraid of running into one another. Then there goes our friendship, our professional relationship." He paused for a moment, watching as her eyes began to flood with tears once more. "But what if we're amazing together? Absolutely and wonderfully amazing? We're both too afraid of all the possibilities that we stay frozen in this limbo. And I regret it. I regret every moment I didn't take your hand, every missed opportunity to kiss you, every breath I didn't use to say I love you. Because I do, Kate. I love you."
"I know," she whispered from behind his hand.
He dropped his hand from her face and settled it on her hip. "I will wait for you to be ready for us, okay?"
"Okay," she answered with a nod, feeling close to tears once more.
"But Kate? I need you to promise to talk to me."
She hummed in response, moving closer to him. "Can you hold me now?"
Castle smiled and pulled her across the gap between them. He felt her heavy exhale roll across his chest as her nails dug into his back, holding him tightly. He swept a hand through her hair, fingers flowing through the silky curls. "Kate? I'm still angry."
She huffed out a laugh and placed a kiss over his heart. "I know. I'm so sorry, Castle."
He reciprocated the gesture, his kiss falling to the crown of her head. "I know."