My name, is Craig Tucker.
Depending on who you asked, people will either tell you I'm a rude, boring asshole or a total bitch who flips everyone off. I agree with both. I don't exactly go out of my way to brighten people's days and if you piss me off I'm going to flip you off. No reason, it's just how the universe works. So yeah, I'm kind of a dick.
I've lived in South Park, Colorado since I was born and seventeen years later, everything's still shit. Pretty much everyone who lived here before is still living here now. It's like once you're here you can't get out. The fucking place latches onto you like a bloodthirsty leech. The random-ass stuff that happens because of that shithead, Cartman and his gang, is still going on - except absolutely no one cares anymore. It stopped being funny when they turned twelve.
Cartman, (or Eric Cartman (literally no one calls him 'Eric' because it's creepy as fuck)) is a racist, homophobic, manipulative, fat asshole and I have no idea why anyone in their right mind would even consider being his friend. I've got a theory that he's blackmailing them, because why else would they still hang around? He's got the brain of a serial killer and he would probably destroy more people's lives than he already has if he wasn't such a pussy. In fact the only reason people ever approach me is to get me to beat him up since nothing he can ever do or say will affect me. No one ever objects to these fights (not even the teachers) and they're usually over within five minutes (make reference to his tiny dick and you've won the war). He hates me so much for his reason (the feelings mutual), but he can never find anyway to get back at me.
Stan Marsh and his 'super best friend' (more like 'super gay friend' - I'm pretty sure they're screwing), Kyle Brovflovski, are part of the gang that follows Cartman everywhere. Stan seems like a nice person and I've spoken to him a couple of times when he decided it would be rude to pretend I didn't exist while he waited for his boyfriend (whoops, 'super best friend'). He's fairly easy to talk to since he's super popular and all but I wouldn't consider him a friend. There was rumour going around for a while that he was suffering from severe depression from fourth grade through to eighth grade. Whether or not he got over that yet, I couldn't tell you but I don't exactly care that much to go and find out. I'm assuming he's fine now.
Kyle is probably the most studious student at South Park Senior High School. Spelling Bee champion, Mathlete, you name it and he's probably a part of it. He's also extremely resilient since he puts up with Cartman's stupid comments about him being Jewish all the fucking time. I think the only time I spoke to him in the last couple of years was when he congratulated me on beating Cartman in a fight. I can't even remember what it was about - probably insulted somebody again, but Kyle was one of the first to thank me and congratulate me. Pretty nice guy, I guess.
The final idiot (sorry, 'friend') from Cartman's gang is Kenny McCormick, the poor, perverted weirdo. Like Kyle, Cartman rips on Kenny for being poor all the time (resulting in a black eye for Cartman, you would've thought he would've figured it out by now. He's as stupid as he is fat). I'm pretty sure I've never properly spoken to Kenny because he's really hard to hear due to the fact that he's always covered by some stupid orange parka. I don't even know how it still fits him as he's had it since preschool. Maybe his family has like five orange parkas for each growth spurt. Kenny's like the typical bad boy in the gang. He smokes (so do I), is always trying to find new ways to get high and skips school (probably to bang some random hot chick). I want to call him a douche, but I barely know him so I'll just label him as undecided.
I only have three people I consider my friends. Tweak Tweek, Clyde Donovan and Token Black. We all share our hatred of Cartman and I guess that's what bought this group together. Tweak is a coffee addicted blond kid who's hair is always a mess, clothes are never buttoned properly and constantly twitching. Most kids think he's a freak but if you're patient and start to listen to him he's actually a really decent guy. Sure he yells a lot and goes off on long tangents about underpants gnomes or something (don't ask), but that's just him.
Clyde Donovan is the schools biggest player and an even bigger crybaby. A strange combination and even stranger friend material, I know. He's always tracking down the 'hottest chicks', taking them out and about (probably bangs a few) and then dumping their asses a week later when he finds a new girl. Clyde's fine if he's the one doing the dumping but if a girl dumps him we're in for hell. He'll cry for ages and ages going on about how she's the only one he ever loved and other stupid shit like that. It's a complete pain in the ass to deal with but as soon as he finds another girl, all previous heartbreak is forgotten and we're off the hook again. When he's not being a playboy asshole or a crying pussy, he can be quite helpful. He's always trying to get people to talk about their problems and shit (girl).
Finally, there's Token Black. Token is rich as fuck but he isn't a dick about it. To be honest he could probably be doing much better things with much better people, but he still chooses to hang around with us. He doesn't try and ram him money down our throats but if someone needs it, he's always there in the back ground - quietly offering them some of his money while assuring them he doesn't need it payed back. I'll never accept his money but I respect the fact that he wants to look out for all of us. Out of them all I think he keeps us all in line. Reminding us of our morals and getting us back from parties in taxis when we're pissed as hell. We couldn't ask for a truer friend (fuck, that was sappy).
That's all that really matters right now and I've been thinking a lot about what matters. Why? Because tomorrow is the first day of my final year of high school and once I finish I can leave this shit town and start over somewhere else with the people I actually like.