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The feeling of holding yourself back from saying something is hell. It's suffocating. It drags out time and feels as if the world is against you.
Especially if it's telling someone how you feel. It rages to be let out of it cage that's your mind, but the words can't be found with all your time.
For Trini her solution is to get over it. Ignore it. Abandon all hope for it.
Trini was doing her best to drown out her feelings for Kimberly Hart with music, but her efforts were useless as her mind would always trace its way back to Kimberly. When she wasn't busying herself with homework or saving lives she was thinking about the pink ranger. More than she should.
This is just a hopeless crush. I'll get over it. Trini thought, she had recited those words so many times that it might as well be a song.
Trini sits up in bed and sighs. She needs to clear her mind. Quietly, Trini gets out of bed to pull on some decent clothes and climbs out of the window. The night is feels fresh and cold on her face. Trini swiftly jumps onto the yard and makes her way toward the mountains. Once her house is out of sight, Trini pulls on her headphones and cranks her music up to tune out her thoughts.
The best part of hiking at night is always the starry sky. It's hard to see with all the streetlights of Angel Grove, but here in the mountains all the stars shine beautifully. It was a breathtaking distraction for her while she balanced on one foot. Eventually it gets way too cold and Trini decides to retreat to the bonfire spot where the rangers occasionally met up.
Trini is sitting alone warming herself up with a fire when Zack appears.
"Can't sleep?" He asks settling down nearby.
Trini nods. After momentary silence Trini asks, "Why are you up here?"
"Crazy girl, you scared us when you didn't respond to our texts." Zack explains. Zack messages the group chat.
She looks up, then hastily pulls out her phone. There are 24 missed calls and several text messages.
Billy: Something doesn't feel right. Are all of you okay?
Jason: I thought I was imagining it.
Zack: You think we're connected emotionally or something?.
Kim: I'm trying to sleep. Keep it down.
Jason: Do you feel that uneasiness?
Kim: I thought it was something I ate in the cafeteria.
Billy: Has anyone heard from Trini?
Zack: She's probably doing something crazy.
Kim: She's not responding to my texts.
That's when the group seemed to freak out. They were all individually messaging to check and see if she was okay. Most of the calls are from Kim. After Zack's most recent text the group settled down.
Zack: I found her!
Jason: That's a relief, what are you two doing out in the middle of the night?
Billy: Don't scare us like that Trini!
I'm sorry. My phone was off. Trini texts back.
Kim: I'm glad you're safe.
Trini feels her heart do a flip and her face heating up.
Zack: It's a secret. [winky face]
Trini rolls her eyes before responding.
Trini: I needed some air.
"So," Zack coughs causing Trini to look up from the screen, "Kim."
Trini doesn't respond. She had told him months ago when she first realized. After all Zack is like a brother to her. Trini grunts turning to add sticks to the fire. "No way. She's probably into Jason, Zack."
Zack scoffs, "I doubt it."
Trini feeds the fire ignoring Zack.
"Come on crazy girl. Ask her on a date. What's the harm?"
Trini hesitates to answer. "I'm... She wouldn't be interested."
"How do you know that?"
"Because I'm me." Trini rolls her eyes.
Zack's face shows that he's searching for words. After a while he says, "I'm here for you and I don't think that you being yourself is bad."
Trini doesn't know how to respond, she turns to see him with a shit eating grin. She rewards him with a punch to the arm.
"Just know that this isn't going to stop me from teasing you," Zack chuckles rubbing his arm, "But I do mean it. You aren't that bad."
"Thanks Jerkface." Trini rolls her eyes. She smiles until her thoughts catch up to her again.
The mornings at school were better with Kim. Always. Kimberly would greet Trini with a friendly smile. Her smiles make Trini feel lighter and better about existing. They made her glad she existed to see them everyday.
"Hey, how is your morning?" Kimberly smiles.
"It's fine," Trini replies closing her locker, "How's yours treating you?"
Kim smiles, "It's good. No problems so-"
The two are interuppted by a boy.
"Hey there," Winks the intruder. Clearly this student was new to Angel Grove. A Native American male smiles slyly at them. Well, at Kim. "I'm new around here, so how about a little help?"
"Um... Sure. My name is Kimberly Hart." Kim extends a hand.
The male takes her hand and kisses it, "Tommy Oliver."
Trini feels her heart give out a little. Tommy ignores the fact that Trini is still standing there and talks to Kim about his schedule. Trini is too anxious to say anything, the words coming out of their mouths can't be heard as Trini's doubts begin to gnaw at her. The hall begins to swirl and spin, so Trini takes her exit to the nearest bathroom to calm herself down. She hides in the stall and cries quietly, careful not to let anyone hear. Her chest aches like hell and she wish it would stop, but it hurts more and more with the thought of Tommy Oliver and Kim together.
She distracts herself by counting down steadily. Slowly Trini pieces herself back together and breathes. She washes her face and stares at her reflection. Trini held herself together the rest of the day by avoiding Kim and Tommy Oliver.
Kimberly notices less texts and less interaction from Trini. She wants to try and talk to Trini, but Trini has a talent of running away and avoiding people. There is what feels like a week's worth of silence radiating from the two girls. Kim is hurt and confused by the sudden change. She's stretching with the boys before she decides to ask.
"Did I do something wrong to upset Trini?" Kimberly asks.
"I was going to ask you what happened between you and Trini." Billy says.
"Maybe she's dealing with something in her own way." Jason suggests nervously.
"We should talk to her to make sure she's okay." Billy says.
Zack laughs shaking his head. Kim is about to ask why Zack is laughing, but she's interrupted.
"Im fine." Trini grumbles and climbs down to the pit.
Jason hesitates. "Let's begin training then."
Training is harder for both Trini and Kim. Trini was losing focus and getting knocked around like a pinata by the putties. Kim can't stop staring and wondering why Trini won't talk to her. But Kim tries.
"Why are you ignoring me, Trini?" Kim asks while they're back to back.
Trini looks at Kim, but no answer comes.
"Did I do something wrong?" Kim punches into a puttie and kicks it off it's feet. "Please talk to me, Trini. I want to help."
"It's fine Kim, I can handle it." Trini scowls as she tackles a puttie and smashes it to pieces. Kim watches as Trini works her way through the putties and widening the distance between them. Kim feels torn and frustrated. She aggressively kicks the puttie and slams another to the ground.
Kim doesn't push it any further after that.
After training all Kimberly felt like she could do was keep her distance, but she managed to say, "You can talk to any of us if you need to. We're all here for you Trini."
"I know." Trini nods before turning and leaving the pit. Kim can't help but feel emptier than the ship itself. She senses the gap between them grows wider than ever.