Sabrina doesn't understand.
She's surrounded by friends and family but when she fades into her room and turns up music and her friends don't reply to her texts and she spends a day trying hard to hide her emotions, she feels lonely.
She tries talking to friends who talk about their problems all the time and all they reply with is:
But you have so many friends.*
She leans against the wall and plays a game and makes a perfect world but gives up because she doesn't know the basics of what to do.
Turning music up loudly never helps her because the artists are unique in their own ways and she's just as she is. She can't appreciate their music when nothing relates to what she's feeling now.
*Will they be there for her?
If you will she's going to stick to you and be there for you no matter what but no one is up to the commitment.
Maybe there is one person who will stay but takes too long to reply.
When she's texting other boys Sabrina hopes that one of them* will ask personal questions and pluck the deepest heartstrings so she's paralyzed at the feeling and how they actually do want to know her.
How many people really know her?
Her family, maybe.
But she'll never tell them her deepest parts of her soul as they would never share theirs.
*Is there really someone out there who understands everything that she does?
Maybe it's God.
He's out there, definitely.
But she's hoping that He's put someone out there that would also understand, someone who she can commit to.
Because it's family that God wants.
Isn't it the first thing He's created?
But when will the one you've put out for me show up? She gets so tired of waiting and she's so sick of feeling like she's over dramatic.
First there's one guy in her school she's having on and off feelings about and so she tries to see if he'll actually know who she is.
She also gives enough clues but they never try to probe.
Sabrina starts with this:
Did you know that I sometimes can't sleep?
From what's happened today she hopes that he'll be the one because he's giving off so many clues and oh God someone like this has to be the one when they've impaled themselves into her heart with such force?
Apparently at the end of the day, in her bed, she's peering at her phone* with another unasked question:
Is it creepy that she can't sleep sometimes to other people?
*text messages with the boy she knows that she can't keep no longer.
Maybe the reason no one is going to be there is because she can never really be there for someone.
Maybe she'll ask the wrong questions at the right moment or ask the right questions at the wrong moments.
So she lies on her bed and thinks about how twisted the world is.
She's scared.*
Is there really such things as soulmates? What if we marry those we like, those who fit to us but really don't fit us at all?
The blonde girl smiles.
It's a downer but there's really no one who can take someone like her, who's so limited with her own dark heart.
She decides to go outside.
*no one to accept her
She's never really visited her roof.
She remembers distinctively that someone on TV would go to the roof and stay there and ponder, gazing at the sky-scraping buildings and feeling the cold wind on their faces.
Why not, really?
It's there for her own need so it won't really matter.
Sabrina goes up into the attic where it's dusty and she chokes on some dust*.
She opens the latch to the roof and gasps at the blow of wind and the starry sky. It's beautiful amazing wide.
Sabrina closes the latch** and sits down on the bumpy turrets, trying not to skid down to the wet hard ground. She's choking on the cold air because it's something she's never felt before and the view is so amazing.
The clouds are so much so visible and the buildings are taller than they seem and she can see the roofs of everything.
She thinks.***
She hugs her knees and tries not to shiver under her pink sweater her mom's bought her for Christmas.
*but it feels so good. *she doesn't know it can't be opened on the other side. ***can she jump off and survive?
She sings an old tune and hums broken words. She's trying so hard to forget that her friends won't answer her texts and she's in a slight fight with someone who'll spill malice on her name when it's not really Sabrina's fault.
The stars are really bright.
She closes her eyes and tries to get rid of the prickly feeling in the back of her eyes and she's just trying to wait wait wait for the day she's meeting up with old friends she's known from birth.
But some of them are upset at her because they're expecting way to much and she always shrinks away when they yell at her.
She's so tired right now.
Really tired.
Her arms are sore and she's so weak from fighting so much. She's smiling, yes she is, but only God knows she's not really smiling.
Why does she feel so neglected?
She swallows hard.*
*She's being so over-dramatic, she needs to stop.
It's almost unbearably cold.
But her arms are stiff and the cold is numbing away feeling. No one can hurt her here.
She smiles again.
It feels so fake but God why does she actually feel happy then?
It's confusing.*
So she begins to dream.
She knows it's not real because everything bends to her will.
In her dreams she can treat people however they do to her but it feels gut-wrenching because she knows how it feels to be treated that way.
*what is she really feeling? what's real and not real?
Sabrina doesn't know how to describe it.
It's a feeling of loss, like a hole in her chest, but at the same, it's not that.
She just feels...
Feels...
It's the feeling of loneliness you've forgotten how to feel.
Yes.
That's it.
She wishes.*
*that she would've forgotten everything else, not just the feeling of lonely.
It's time to leave.
She forces feeling into her frozen arms and tries to pull the cold latch.
It's stuck.
She pulls again, more forcefully, but it won't budge at all.
Sabrina begins to panic and pulls more and more and more but it just won't unlatch.
She begins to hyperventilate and she's choking her screams because her family can't know that she's on the roof.
She's going to freeze to death.
She hears something through her frigid ears.*
*sound of flapping.
"What are you doing up here?"
Sabrina flinches, nearly falling down the roof but she catches herself on the turrets and steadies herself.
She turns mechanically but she knows who it is.
The fairy is fluttering silently behind her and he offers her a hand. She glances at it warily but takes it, allowing him to pull her up.
"Well?"
"I was..." Her voice is scratchy like she's going to cry but she's not and she doesn't know why it's like it.
Why is it so hard to talk?
It's like she's talking about something passionate.
"...thinking."
She looks at him quickly but looks away because he can't know how she's feeling.
"Weird fetish you have," he mumbles and she glares at him. "Anyways, thinking about what exactly?"
She doesn't answer because her teeth are beginning to chatter. She puts her tongue in between her teeth.
"I d-don't exactly k-know."
He stares at her and at his own sweater. At first she thinks he's going to give her the green hoodie.
He doesn't.
Just beckons her to him.
"I can't."
He rolls his eyes impatiently and grabs her cold arm and pulls her into his arms.
She stiffens. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
He rolls his eyes, she can feel it. "Wait."
He pushes her from his arms so she sits in front of him. He wraps his wings around her.
They sit together silently.
"How'd you get up here?" Sabrina asks.
"I flew up here. Duh...Tell me what you were thinking about."
"Why?"
"I want to know."
"I don't want to."
"Why?"
"Because it's a secret that I'm keeping to myself."
He shifts behind her and rests his chin on her shoulder. She swallows hard but doesn't push him off.
"Why won't you tell me the secret?" he huffs.
"This secret is my secret forever."
He doesn't speak and she begins to feel uneasy in his warm arms.
He speaks in what seems like eternity. "Tell me the secret when we reach forever, then."
He unfolds his wings around her. Kisses her cheek in a second. Kicks the latch. Opens it and runs away.