A/N: It's the crack, yo'z. Aizen's bringing it and you're reading it! Totally crack pairing with totally crack character backstory. Rated T for certain sexual innuendo and some wrong language. Rating may increase. Purely sadistic fun! R&R plzkthx!

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this story but Aizen's non-existent family members, the cracktasticness, and the clipboard. Everything else belongs to the wonderful Kubo-sensei, and as I intend to make no money off this whatsoever, please, no litigation.

THE ULTIMATE FIRST CHAPTER

Aizen Sousuke was bored. No, scratch that, he was lonely. Not for love or family or human affection, though. No, there was something missing since he left Soul Society.

"Gin," he moaned from his throne. Ichimaru Gin sat in the corner, playing cat's cradle with the brainless Wonderwice. "What am I missing?"

"Them big pastries Unohana used to make?" Gin teased, mouth grinning. "Kuchiki's girly zanpaku-tou? Hinamori's orgasm face?"

"No, that's not it."

"Paperwork?"

"Who would miss that?" Sousuke supported his chin with his hand and sighed. Life was getting annoying at Hueco Mundo.

"Gin, tell Kaname I want him to procure the things I most miss. He has three days."

Gin nodded with his creepy grin and walked off, leaving the great Mindless Wonder with Sousuke.

"Wonderwice, do you know what I'm missing?" Maybe even this retarded arrancar would have an answer. But the stupid being merely blew him a raspberry and babbled.

"Aizen-sama, Tousen fukutaichou has returned," Ulquiorra gurgled morosely. Tousen appeared at the door after three days of scouring the dimensions for Sousuke's needs. One arm was overflowing with packages, while the other led something on a kidou chain. Sousuke straightened up.

"What have you brought, Kaname?" he asked excitedly.

"Well," Tousen announced proudly, "Soul Society Sake, Russian Vodka, Green tea crepes, milk tea, Sports Illustrated, and…" He pulled on the lead and a girl came forward. Sousuke whimpered in recognition.

"…Aizen-sama's youngest sister."

Even Gin's smile disappeared. The diminutive girl stood meekly, her face smudged with dirt and possibly blood.

"WHY," Sousuke demanded with a frozen smile, "did you bring her?"

"I thought you might miss her…"

Sousuke sighed. Clearly, Kaname was truly blind. And had also lost his sense of smell: Houki had brought with her the strong and suspicious stench of manure.

"Is Aizen-sama unsatisfied?"

"Kaname, please leave me alone with my nee-chan." Gin pushed Tousen and the Espada out the door. Sousuke freed his sister, who dropped to her knees.

"Sousuke-nii-sama!" she cried, probably rehearsing some barely remembered lines. "What do you wish of me?"

Sousuke clucked his tongue and tried not to breathe. Houki had been the only Aizen not to enter the shinigami academy. She was a brainless little girl, stuck in the body of an eleven-year-old.

"Houki-chan," Sousuke ordered, "I want you to take a bath. You smell like rot." Houki nodded and backed out of the doorway. Sousuke was sorely disappointed. He still felt empty. Kaname could have at least bought Penthouse instead of stupid Sports Illustrated.

But watching the girl's body recede, he realised what he was so sorely lacking, and only his new pet could help him achieve it.

"Aizen-sama, what a surprise!" cried a female arrancar who was sweeping the floor outside of Inoue Orihime's room. Sousuke had rushed to the room unannounced, eliciting jealous responses from his arrancar. Of course, he was undeniably amazing, but still.

"Menori," he said to the arrancar, "I need your assistance. How would one seduce a girl?"

"Do you mean Houki-san, Aizen-sama?"

"Why would I seduce that foul creature?"

"You could get to know her personality first," droned Ulquiorra's monotonous voice from behind him.

"…How?"

"My advice would be to search her personal items. They reveal a lot about humans, sir."

Menori looked hopeful that Sousuke would be searching her personal items.

"Good thinking, Ulquiorra," Sousuke said. "Gather Orihime's personal effects and bring them to my chamber."

Ulquiorra bowed and Menori looked crestfallen. Sousuke swept out of the corridor, walking towards his own sleeping space, feeling confident that his plan would work. After the hundred years of celibacy required to double one's natural reiatsu, he would once again partake in the joys of the flesh.

"Ulquiorra-san, why are you taking my things?" Orihime sat on the sofa in her room while the Espada mournfully placed her earthly possessions into a white sack. She had been here a week and the proverbial noose of their control was beginning to tighten around her proverbial neck. At least, her inferior mind surmised this to be the case.

"It is Aizen-sama's order," Ulquiorra deadpanned. "Do not complain."

What did Aizen want with all of her stuff, though? Was he trying to make her even more miserable? Orihime sniffled into her hands as Ulquiorra emptied the room.

"Aizen-sama, Orihime's belongings." Ulquiorra handed Sousuke the cloth sack and Gin, who sat with Sousuke on his bed, poked it with a smile. The Espada went to stand by a wall, white clipboard in hand.

"And now we shall know everything about Inoue Orihime-chan," Sousuke chuckled. He reached into the sack and felt something soft. Pulling it out, he saw her strange school uniform. The skirt was temptingly short and he set it in a pile apart from the blazer and blouse. Next was cotton underwear in colours too cheerful for his tastes. Pink, yellow, green, yellow with blue ducks.

"Maybe she likes cute things," Gin suggested.

"Ulquiorra, take note. Also, burn these and provide her with plain white undergarments."

Ulquiorra scribbled lifelessly on his clipboard.

"Now… oh, what are these? Ha, pictures…"

Ten framed photos spilled out onto his bed. Orihime and the ryoka, Orihime and a girl with short hair, Orihime hugging a skunk like she would a cat.

"Silly girl… ah! This could prove fruitful!" Sousuke spotted a box just bigger than his hand and pulled it forth.

"Ah! What could this be?" It was covered in strange symbols, possibly a human language he had not bothered to learn. It looked nothing like Japanese.

"It's sealed," Gin noted. "Maybe you should open it."

"Is that OK? Yes, of course it is, what am I saying!" Slipping his fingers under a flimsy tab, he pried the box open. Curious, he tipped the box. What spilled out was more foreign than the writing.

A/N: Will Aizen achieve his sadistic goals? Will his plans be realised? And what the hell is in that foreign box? Stay tuned!