Once upon a time, there was a boy named Colobus Columbo Colonoscopy Lang Jr who lived in the slums of Chicago, Illinois with his morbidly obese mother. As well as being incredibly fat, Mrs Lang suffered from an unfortunate combination of elephantitus, chronic farting disorder and severe mental retardation. Little Colobus, however, was an exceedingly clever child and secretly worked on inventing the world's first fully-automated fat shrinking machine for his enormous whale of a mother.
One day, when little Colobus was beavering away on a state-of-the-art shrink ray, he accidentally knocked Vanilla Coke and taco sauce all over the machinery, causing it to go haywire and zap him in the brain and penis. "Oh fuck!" Said Colobus, "Now I have a tiny brain and a micropenis!" There was nothing left for him to do but become a prize-fighter to raise the funds for his mother's liposuction. So he injected himself with a vial of gorilla DNA to get super-strong and arranged a boxing match with the local school bully - Knuckles O'Feckerty. But before the match could take place, Colobus's mother tripped over a sesame seed that someone had carelessly left lying around on the floor and face-planted into a rustic coffee table, shattering every bone in her massive skull. Colobus, knowing that he had eaten a sesame bun that very morning, naturally blamed himself.
As Mrs Lang lay in intensive care with a face like a bowl of soup, she whispered softly into her distraught son's ear, "Colobus my boy... You must become... THE CLUBBER!" She then died instantly as her heart exploded from severe cholesterol buildup. At that very nanosecond, a bolt of lighting flashed through an open window and struck Colobus directly on top of his head, causing his hair to fall out at the sides, leaving only a fruity mohawk in its place.
That day marked the death of Colobus Columbo Colonoscopy Lang Jr and the birth of a new superhero: A man supercharged with electricity and gorilla DNA... A man with shit for brains and a penis so small that its existence is largely refuted by medical specialists around the world... That man, is [insert your dad's name here].
End of Chapter 1