Disclaimer: This story is a work of
fan-fiction. All used characters don't belong to me and I just borrowed them.
The only profit I hope to achieve with this story is the pure pleasure of the
reader.
Author's notes: This story changes between in storytelling between the story and the
thoughts of a person, the change in font marks this change. I haven't seen any
episodes of Season 5 yet nor have I seen the episode I have taken the title
from, so please forgive any mistakes concerning events of this Season for I
haven't seen it.
The story is part of my "Simply a four letter word?" storyline.
I'd love to hear your opinion,
whether you liked the story or anything else, so all can be sent to
LadySet@gmx.net I am grateful for your
opinion and it is greatly appreciated.
Fool for love
by Belladonna
The night had been dark and softly
black. The stars were shining like diamonds in front of the velvety background
of the nightly skies and the moon gave the town as the biggest jewel at the
skies a silvery shine. One man stood alone on the cemetery, a bit apart from
the tombstone and he was looking up to the sky, into the night, like he always
did when he wanted to think or simply to be alone.
He wore a long coat over the dark
shirt and his black pants, he had his hands hidden
deeply into the pockets. Above him there was the moon that threw its pale light
over the cemetery and also over him, but the man remained silent. The pale
silvery light of the moon was nothing he had to fear, only the bright rays of
the sun. His bleached blond hair was looking even more whiter
in front of the black of the night now that the light of the moon fell over
him.
Spike inhaled the cold air of the
night, took a deep breath into his lungs and enjoyed that slight cold feeling
it brought with it. Even though he had been dead for many decades and his lungs
had no longer need for oxygen anymore, it was a habit he nonetheless had never
been able to dismiss so easily, especially not when he was excited of nervous.
But to breathe actually meant nothing to him and brought no use, just as
nothing as he would achieve with his nervousness; he wasn't able to do anything
against it though.
Spike was well aware of this fact
but he was helpless in doing anything against it. Every time he was close to
her he felt this nervousness he couldn't fight, a nervousness he had not felt
since he could remember. He couldn't overcome it either, every time he was
close to her or thought of her it made his heart beat rise and his breath
faster just like he did again think of her in this night and about what she
meant to him.
He raised his head and glanced up to
the moon, the only constant in his life, a life that was as unpredictable as he
could imagine it to be and that had never turned out the way, he would have
dreamed of. And even up there, in the beautiful but pale light of the moon, up
there in the sky, he believed to be able to see her, in that pale window high
above him, the window to a heaven that only lovers were able to see.
~/~
I would have never thought or seen
it coming this far one day with me; never had I imagined myself standing here
at this special point of my life and also never thought to happen twice, now
that I no longer am alive. But I have reached it again nonetheless. I still
cannot believe it, no matter how hard I try, I cannot.
I cannot remember ever have felt
that much for another woman in my life as I do feel for her. Oh, I have known
many women in my life, I have even felt a lot for some of them, but I have
never loved any other woman before like I do love her. This love, this very
love that I feel now, it comes directly from my heart. Though it does no longer
beat for a long time now, it does again when I think of her.
It may be true, that I have loved Dru, my sweet little Dru and I
have done everything for her, I have even given my life and my soul for her
because I have loved before. She had been everything for me,
my whole world for there has never been anything more than her for me. And
still, as I now think back and look at it like I am able to do today, I do
realize now that this love never came from my heart, never at all.
I believed to have loved her just
like I had believed she would feel the same for me. But today I know and had to
realize painfully that I never have been more than a poodle for her, a lapdog
and just a welcomed distraction in her rather boring life; only a useful tool
for her purposes. But then I had been too blind to see that, to realize it.
Have I truly been that blind or have
I known and just did not want it to see?
Nonetheless I stayed with her, she
did need me after all, didn't she? And I enjoyed this feeling of being needed
and her dependence of me, but is that love? Could this
really be the emotion one feels when he loves another?
Maybe it is true, and we truly never
loved each other at all, maybe we both had started from different expectations
that could not be fulfilled. I don't know and it no longer matters to me. No,
it is no longer of importance to me for today I finally know what love is, what
real love feels like and how it again changed me. I have found love, for I have
found her.
When I can be with her, I can feel
how my blood begins to heat up and starts to flow faster through my body; can I
feel how this dead heart in my chest begins again to beat and beat fast. I have
never felt like this before, only maybe once but that was a long time ago.
From the very first moment I have
seen her, I had been fascinated by her. I have known that she was something very
special but then I had not the slightest idea that she would become someone
very special for me.
I can smell her sweet scent, smell
it even if she can not be near me; this sweet flavour of her blood and the
scent of her long hair as it falls so loosely over her
shoulders. Her eyes are like precious jewels and they are shining and flashing
with wild determination, the same she caught me with at our first meeting, the
first time our eyes met. I have been caught since then and I also catch myself
that I don't want to get free anymore. She has a fire in her eyes, a burning
which burns with such an intensity I am only able to
see in hers.
My whole life I have always looked
for someone like her but never found anybody who would come close to her like
she is. I have always searched for someone who could possibly mean as much to
me as she does and never would I have imagined to find that someone in her;
from all people did I have to find that someone in her, the Slayer.
Never before have I been so sure of
my feelings like I am now, but can I ever be sure? Can I ever be truly sure of
them? Then, how can I be sure that it will not turn out this time like it had
turned out all the other times before I had thought to love or to be in love?
The answer to this is very simple,
for I cannot.
But if I am listening to my heart it
will tell me that I can be sure, that my emotions have never been more clear than now. When I am near her I feel these strong
emotions I cannot fight and I have to admit that I don't want to fight them.
She is the Slayer, destined to hunt
down someone like me, to destroy and every fibre of my being screams for
getting as much space between her and myself as
possible. By all means, I should get away from her or try to fight and kill her
before she does with me. No, here I am, searching her closeness, always looking
to be near her; I can no longer be without her. I should have gone away but I
didn't. I should have stayed away when I finally got away from her but I
couldn't bear being without her so long, to never see her again, her beautiful
eyes and her gentle smile.
Always have I watched her secretly
when she was with him and every time it gave me a sting in my heart, a painful
one even if I would have never admitted it and still won't, not to her or to
anybody. How many times have I wished to be in his place when she was holding
him in her arms and their lips met; uncountable times have I wished so much for
being him, for being the one she holds in her arms and whose hand she would
squeeze gently under the light of the moon outside. But as much as I wished for
being him it also became clear to me with that same cruel realisation life
always offers that
I could never be him and she never would be able to love me like she does with
him. I never have wished for anything more than if she would, that she would
return my feelings for her and it would make me the happiest man on earth if
she did, if she would only say it once to me.
Yes, I should rather stay away from
her, to get away as fast and far as possible from her for she was born to kill
me. I cannot, I can't do it for I cannot act against my feelings, me heart.
I always have considered him weak
for helping someone like her and for that would kill one of us. I always have
blamed his soul for having made him weak and the Slayer's lapdog, that it made
him betray us. Now I feel the same for her like he did, maybe even more and I
always have done it. He maybe had thought me jealous of him concerning Dru, but the truth is, I always
envied him for her.
I'd do anything for her, even gave
my life only to protect her. I'd give my own life for somebody else who was
chosen to end it. But to protect her I'd die willingly and with pleasure if
only I'd know that she would be safe, that she would live.
His soul, his mortal soul have I
held responsible for what I thought to be a grave error in his character but I
do not have such an excuse. I cannot even blame it on the chip in my head, no
matter how hard I would wish for. But then I also would have to admit to myself
that I even have felt for her that way before this damn chip changed my life
forever, long before. And my life was changed for ever the moment our eyes met
in the night down in the alley behind the Bronze.
I do love her from the bottom of my
heart, I'd do anything for her and gave I all I have only to make and see her
happy. Maybe I am making a fool of myself because of this, just like I had done
once before in my life and that had changed me forever, but again I cannot go
against my own heart. I know that I love her and I also know that I am surely
not the first man who acts without thinking for those he loves and I surely
will not be the last one who makes a fool of himself for love.
I had thought to have learned out of
my mistakes but turns out, I haven't.
I love her, I really do and this
love comes from deep within
my heart. I can only hope that she will be able one day to also
love that fool I am, too.
~fin~
Fool for love
By: Belladonna