"Ascend"
Did he really think about me that much? That he went through all this to prove his worth to me?
That was all it was, wasn't it? A display of strength, a declaration that, human or not, he was worth noticing. Worth my noticing. So stubborn… whenever he got an idea in his head, he'd never let go.
I always knew, looking into those pained eyes, that he was calling for help-begging for it. I didn't realize it then, but I was the same… and that was what brought us together. Two lonely people with hearts hardened by a cold world that told us to shut off our emotions. The solace we offered each other in life… I told myself it was just part of my efforts to blend in with humans. But it was a way to thaw my frozen heart before I met Setsuna. For him, though… I never realized how much it meant to him.
At first, I didn't want the responsibility. There was so much he needed, that I was so unwilling to give. I kept my mind on my mission, raised a barrier of cool indifference. I was afraid to be human, though I wanted to be… so badly. But the memories of blood and pain haunted me, and I steeled myself for it to return to my life. I loved that boring world, so much so that I didn't want to become too attached to it, knowing I would probably lose it soon. He never understood that.
So when we met again… I was once again caught in the turning of the tumultuous wheel of destiny, when there was so much--centuries worth of pain and anger riding on one single chance for revenge, for justice. In the name of my purpose, I buried Kira Sakuya, buried his memories, his emotions for Setsuna… and for him. But then, even with that purpose, I knew I couldn't hurt Setsuna… those innocent eyes, that trusting smile… and, I'd spent so many centuries watching Alexial die violently, I couldn't kill her again, not when Setsuna was looking at me with those eyes. But I could not risk letting my ruse slip, could not alert God of my intentions. When Setsuna confronted Rociel, I was in a corner… I could easily overpower him, and Rociel knew it. Luckily, he appeared just then… Reckless as always… but when did you become like this? You'd changed so much… you were so determined to protect Setsuna. Had you two replaced me for each other? The one who protected, and the one who taught love? You'd left me alone then; I was the only one left floundering in the gray, empty garden of pain you once called to me from. You escaped from your pain, healed it; ascended out of that darkness whereas I...I remained there, in the darkness. Fallen from happiness... Was I jealous? Maybe. But... I suddenly felt even more alone than ever before. It was only then that I realized... how much your presence... for me... you--
I tried to show Setsuna that I was to be considered dangerous. The simplest was to do that was the cruelest way. Kill one or the other. Kill someone I knew in human life. I did it. I took the easy way out again, telling myself it was the best way, the most expedient way to reach my goal, my revenge.
Ah, but that face... the expression on that face... was it pain? Shock? Fear? Anger? I could understand those emotions on his face--that's the way my victims have looked at me for centuries just as I cut them down. He gave me that look too as the blood gushed from the gaping wound I left in him, but there was something else on his face too. Something that ignored the fact that he had a fatal wound in his torso that would presently kill him... his eyes called out to me in that moment. There was something--longing?--that was looking at me, me alone and saw nothing else, blood and all. Why? Why was there a connection? I was no longer Kira Sakuya! Kira was dead, and there should have been nothing left between us. ...So why did he look at me that way?
I did the right thing, though... didn't I? I did what I had to... he was hurt, he was angry. He and Setsuna and everyone else believed my little ruse. Well, I always was efficient, if nothing else. So off he went, wasting his time thinking up his schemes to 'get back' at me... but he understood, in the end. And I did too. That's why I said that... just soft enough so that he could hear. Subtle enough so that no one would understand except him. He really was never a good liar... hn, the way he would grin winsomely at the bar tender. "Sure I paid," he would say, and flash that transparent smile again. He could've been charming if he'd wanted to, if he hadn't been so steeped in pain all his life. If someone had bothered to save him from his pain.
Regrets.
Good-bye, Katou. Like everything else, I'm leaving you behind now. I've fallen too far... too far... from everything. I don't know how this will turn out, but I've abandoned so many precious things that I must succeed. Yes, I will. Setsuna and I, we can do it... But after? ...I want to follow your example; I want to leave the solitary, emotionelss world we both once walked in, and rise up to the sunlight like you did. To Ascend. It won't be so easy as going the other way, I guess... but I must try. Then maybe we can meet again, in a place that isn't so dark that we couldn't see one another clearly. I'll keep an eye out for you, and maybe next time around, I can do it right. Next time around, I won't run away. From you. Like you. Ever again.