Disclaimer: Castle and all of its characters belong to Andrew W. Marlowe, Terri Edda Miller, and ABC Studio Productions. "Revelation" belongs to Third Day.
My life has led me down the road that's so uncertain.
Now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find a faith that's gone.
This time I know that you are holding all the answers,
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem to be the one that brings me home.
Give me a revelation, show me what to do,
'Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue.
Tell me, should I stay here, or do I need to move?
Give me a revelation,
I've got nothing without you,
I've got nothing without you.
May
Kevin pulled the covers around his body tighter, trying to ward off the violent shakes that ripped through his body. His normally pale skin had paled to almost a pasty ghost white, which only served to amplify the dark purple circles under his eyes. He hadn't slept a full night in longer than he could remember, and it had started to take a toll on his body.
His stomach churned rebelliously, forcing him from under the pile of blankets and had him sprinting to the bathroom. He collapsed onto the cold tiles and emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet. His stomach clenched as he dry heaved, the burn of stomach acid lingering on his tongue. He drew the back of his hand across his mouth and leaned back against the wall.
His chest heaved as he tried to suck in breaths to calm himself. His legs were shaking under him as he moved to the sink, and braced himself on the sink. He looked at himself in the mirror, but he could barely recognize himself anymore. He had lost weight. Too much weight. He looked more like a skeleton than a man these days, and the outline of his ribs under his skin was horrifying.
He hadn't been to the precinct since he'd resigned two weeks earlier. He'd missed countless phone calls and text messages from everyone. He figured that Gates had told Esposito and Beckett that he'd resigned after they'd both been put on suspension, which meant that Castle probably knew too. He'd kicked Jenny out and sent her to live with her mother the night that he'd come home without his gun and badge. He just wanted to be alone. He didn't want anyone else to witness the crash that he knew was coming.
Kevin saw the black-yellow outline of the bruising on the inside of his elbow in the mirror and lifted the arm shakily to examine the needle mark. He scowled at it before moving towards the bed again. He curled under the large comforter, trying to ignore the stale, sour scent of vomit that permeated through out the apartment. He had just drifted off into a fitful sleep when the knocking on his door began.
"Kev, I know you're in there, man. Open the door!" Javier's voice was muffled as he yelled through the thick wood. Kevin grumbled something into his pillow and turned over, trying to ignore the sound. It was only when the click of a key in the lock echoed through the silent house that he remembered a spare house key sat on Javier's key ring right between the key to his own apartment and the key to their cruiser.
Javier walked slowly through the living room, his mouth gaping at the sight of the dishelved apperance. The vintage Godzilla poster looked as though it had been ripped out of the wall and it was laying in its shattered frame, a lamp lay in ruins off, and a chair had been overturned. He reached for his gun instinctively, but cursed under his breath when he remembered it wasn't there.
"Kevin? Where are you?" He called, checking each of the rooms carefully for a sign of anyone else being present. The nasueating wave of smell hit him about thirty feet before he hit the bedroom, causing his face to contort into a scowl as he pushed open the bedroom door. A vaguely Kevin-shaped lump under the covers groaned and he shut the door behind him quickly. "What are you doing, bro?" He whispered.
"M'Sleepin'." The lump mumbled in response.
"Dude, it's," He paused to glance at his watch. "It's one o'clock in the afternoon. Why are you sleeping?" He moved to pull the covers off of Ryan, and his breath caught in his throat at the sight that greeted him.
The man was shriveled and quivering, bruises covered his skin, and small pieces of his hair had seemed to have just vanished.
"Why are you here, Esposito?" He growled, turning over and looking at him through heavily lidded and bruised eyes.
"Because I came to check on you. You didn't return my phone calls. What the hell is happening, Kev?" He choked on the tears. "You look terrible."
"I quit." Kevin shifted himself into a partially sitting position, pain coating his entire face as he did so. Esposito moved quickly to help him and settled onto the mattress next to him.
"I know you quit. Gates told us. Why?"
"Because I'm sick." He replied, avoiding eye contact and toying with the edge of the comforter. He took slow, deliberate deep breaths as another wave of nausea overtook him.
"Sick? You quit because...what, you have the flu?"
"It's not the flu, Javi." Kevin chuckled weakly, sliding out of the bed and shuffling to the bathroom. This time, when he leaned over to be sick, he felt Javier's large hand on his back. When he dropped back against the wall, he couldn't ignore the concerned look in his partners eyes. Though, to be honest, they weren't exactly partners anymore, were they?
"What is it, Ryan?"
"Pancreatic cancer." He replied on a sigh, running his hands through his hair and dropping the strands that broke off in his hands to the tile floor.
"C-cancer? How long have you known about this, Ryan?" Javier growled, jumping to his feet and beginning to pace angrily.
"Long enough to know that I don't have time to spend it making everyone that I care about worry about me." He muttered. "It's stage four, metastatic."
"What does that mean?" Javier helped him to his feet again, wrapping an unsure arm around Ryan's shaking frame and helping him to the bed.
"It means that it has spread to my other organs. It's inoperable." Javier leveled a solid punch into the wall beside the head board, shaking the photo of Ryan in his dress blues on his graduation day from the acadmey, his arms wrapped around his mother and grandmother tightly.
"How long?"
"Three months. Maybe, if the chemo keeps working the way it has been."
"Did they even try to operate and remove it?" Esposito snapped, his hands clenching even tighter at his sides.
"Javi, they've done everything that they can. Even if they had tried to operate, it wouldn't remove it, it would just make me more comfortable." Ryan whispered. He doubled over as a vicious pain tore through his stomach. A feral cry ripped from his throat, tears squeezing out from between his closed eyelids as he waited for it to pass. Sweat coated his brow and his muscles seized a moment before he fell back against the mountain of pillows that Javier had arranged.
"So, why wouldn't you want them to make you more comfortable? You look miserable."
"That's just because I had chemo this morning. It's not like this everyday. I'm a big boy, I can handle this on my own. That's why I didn't tell any of you guys."
"Kevin, we're...we're family, damn it. Beckett, and Castle, they care about you. We deserve to konw! How can we help you if you won't let us?"
"There's nothing that any of you can do to help me, so how were you guys going to help me? And what about you? You said that Castle and Beckett care about me, but what about you, Javier?"
"Of course I care about you, Kev. How can you even ask that?"
"Because, right now, you're seeming pretty damned selfish. You're not thinking about how all of this is effecting me, you are only considering yourself. I can't believe you." Kevin's voice was scratchy and weak, his energy having drained.
"You're right." Esposito sighed, flattening himself on the bed and wrapping an arm around Ryan's shoulders. Normally, it would be something that they just didn't do. Something that was unheard of. But here, in this bed, and in this situation with his best friend? There was no where else he would rather be. "I'm not going anywhere, bro. I'm gonna start being here for you. 'Til the wheels fall off." He whispered into the silence of the bedroom, the soft snores telling him that Ryan had drifted back into sleep.
He wondered, for a moment, how he could have been so selfish. How he could have forgotten what was really important and how he could have completely made Kevin's illness about himself.
The younger man tucked into his side looked absolutely exhausted, the life seeming to already have been sucked out of him. It was in that moment that he vowed to be there for Kevin, no matter what he needed.
My life has led me down a path that's ever winding,
Through every twist and turn, I'm always finding
That I am lost again.
Tell me when this road will ever end.
Give me a revelation, show me what to do,
'Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue.
Tell me, should I stay here, or do I need to move?
Give me a revelation,
I've got nothing without you,
I've got nothing without you.
June
"I look like an idiot." Ryan grumbled, running his fingers over the smooth skin of his scalp. He glared at his own reflection in the mirror, barely recognizing the sunken in cheek bones and hollowed out eyes that stared back at him.
"You don't look bad, Kev. Lots of guys shave their heads." Javier replied, moving into the bathroom to help him get dressed. He had spent every night since the first sleeping on Kevin's uncomfortable, roadkill couch. He drove him to doctor's appointments, his chemo and he made meals for him. Kept the house cleaned up. Made sure that Kevin took his medications like he was supposed to. He took care of him.
That night, however, was different. Beckett and Castle had decided to get married as soon as they could after Kevin had told them about his illness, and Castle had named Kevin and Javier as his best men. Which was why, at that moment, Kevin was fumbling with the blood red bow tie around his neck.
Javier chuckled at the muttered curses that he was spewing and swatted Kevin's hands away, tying the bow expertly. He had been crashing on Ryan's lumpy, roadkill couch for the past month, washing his laundry, cooking his meals and taking him to all of his chemotherapy appointments. The man had been a real lifesaver.
"Thanks, bro. I hate that I have to wear this monkey suit. You'd think that they'd cut me a little slack, I am dying, afterall." He forced out a chuckle and glanced over to Esposito. The other man scoffed and tugged his t-shirt over his head to change into his own tuxedo.
Ryan caught sight of the purple ribbon tattooed to Javier's shoulder blade and quirked an eyebrow. The edges of the tattoo were still red and inflamed.
"When did you get that?" He questioned quietly, shrugging into the tuxedo jacket carefully. He scowled at the jacket that had fit him two weeks earlier when he'd gotten fitted for it, but now it was much too big and hung on his tiny frame.
"What?" Esposito turned his head quickly, and Ryan gestured to the tattoo. "Oh, that. Yeah, I got it yesterday morning. It seemed...fitting." He muttered, a blush creeping up the man's tanned skin.
"I like it. It looks good." He replied, putting on a smile and nodding his thanks. Esposito crossed the floor between them and turned around so that Ryan could get a better look. The purple ribbon wove around the elegant scroll of his name in the center, and he felt his heart clench. "It's beautiful, Javi." He whispered around a choked sob.
"I thought that you'd like it, but I didn't want to show you yet. It seemed...morbid."
"It's not morbid. For now, it's supportive, and once I...eventually it will be in rememberance. It makes sense. I'm flattered that you got it." He smiled and went back to getting ready, trying his best to find a belt that would fit him, leaving Esposito to use the bathroom to get ready.
He was tying up the laces of his dress shoes when the door to the bathroom opened and he heard Javier clear his throat, drawing his attention. What he saw had tears dropping from his eyes and onto the lapels of his tux.
Esposito's bare head shone brightly in the light from the kitchen. Kevin crossed to him and reached out cautiously, his shaking fingers touching the smooth skin softly.
"You...you shaved your head?"
"Yeah, I wanted to show you that you don't look like an idiot." Javier smirked, pulling a shrug and adjusting his bow tie. "We better get going or we're going to be late and Beckett is going to kick our asses. You know that Castle is probably driving her crazy by now."
Esposito opened the door and tried to shuffle him out towards the car, but Ryan stopped him with a hand on his elbow.
"Thank you, Javi. I'm really glad that I've got you here with me through this whole thing. I couldn't do this without you. You've been an amazing friend."
"You don't need to thank me, Kevin. You're my best friend and I love you. This is my job." He smiled, his arm slipping around Kevin's shoulders and leading him down the stairs into the soft rain that had begun to fall outside.
"So...you're doing this because it's your job?" Kevin asked curiously as he slipped into the passanger's seat of the car. Esposito jogged around the front of the car and slid into the driver's seat of the car before shooting him a stern look.
"You know that's not what I meant, Kevin. There is nowhere else that I would rather be than here helping you." He replied, pulling out into the road and heading towards the church.
"I know that's what you meant. I just don't want you to feel like you have to hang around with me and take care of me just because you think that it's your job."
"I didn't mean that it was my job, per se. I meant that you'd do the same thing for me if I was in your shoes. I want to help you in any way that I can." He steered the car into the parking lot and threw it in park before looking out to where Castle was pacing the stoop of the church and running his fingers through his hair nervously.
"Well, lets go get him to the alter before he has the big one right on the stairs, okay?" Ryan held out his fist to Esposito, smirking when he tapped it with his own. They were going to be okay. They had to. They were partners, even without the badge.
I don't know where I can turn,
Tell me, when will I learn?
Won't you show me where I need to go?
Let me follow your lead,
I know that it's the only way that I can get back home.
July
Nearly three months later to the day, Kevin Ryan passed away in the comfort of his apartment with his best friend sleeping in the next room.
When Javier Esposito found him, he didn't cry.
He called 9-1-1 and they came, the EMTs loaded him into the ambulance and sped him away to the hospital. He was pronounced dead at 0545 hours. In a cold hospital emergency room. By himself. He couldn't even bring himself to go to the hospital and wait for him. Instead he'd sat on the roadkill couch and stared at the blank television screen, ignoring the ringing of his cellphone as Beckett and Castle both tried to call him.
It was one o'clock in the afternoon by the time they came to the door and practically broke it down with their pounding fists before he opened it. They had both spilled into the entry way and embraced him tightly, tears spilling down both of their faces. He patted their backs awkwardly, not able to find the words that they needed to hear to make their pain go away.
Secretly, he wanted to feel that way. He wanted the pain that they were being overwhelmed with. He wanted to hurt. He wanted to feel something, because the dull, hazy emptiness of feeling absolutely nothing was going to be the death of him.
Two days later the precinct had arranged the memorial services and he was marching down the well manicured lawns of the cemetary. The same cemetary that he had buried his captain in. The same cemetary that he had almost lost his senior detective in. The cemetary that his best friend was going to be buried in.
The somber sound of bagpipes floated on the curling summer breeze, and the click of polished dress shoes echoed across the silent head stones. He watched with unblinking eyes, and an unshakeable facade of an emotionless face as they lowered the casket into the ground. He watched somberly as Kevin's mother clutched the folded flag to her chest tightly, tears streaming down her freckled cheeks and sobs clawing at her throat, but he still didn't cry.
Two weeks later, he'd still been living in the apartment. He spent every morning staring at the Godzilla poster in its new, unbroken frame as he sucked down coffee that no longer had any taste. He saw that damned ribbon on his shoulder blade every day when he got out of the shower. Everything in that apartment reminded him of Ryan, but there was no way in hell that he was going to move out. Hell, he'd even gone as far as calling his landlord and sliding his way out of his lease so that he could take over rent on Ryan's place.
He knew that the second he moved out of the apartment, it was like letting everything that they had worked for go. It was like letting Kevin go, and he wasn't ready to do that.
Rain was streaming out the window and lightning crackled through the humid air the day that he decided he need to go see him. He walked through the pelting rain instead of getting a cab. He walked to the cemetary and slipped down the rows, stopping by Montgomery's headstone and touching it reverantly.
When he reached Kevin's, he wasn't completely sure what to do. He'd come there on a whim, a spur of the moment urge that couldn't be ignored.
He stood there a moment, his eyes scanning over the words that were engraved in the granite, letting the fact that his best friend was dead actually sink in, the grief overtaking him suddenly. He dropped to his knees in the soaked, squishy mud, and threw his head back, screaming to the sky as tears broke from his eyes, and sobs tore from his chest.
And he cried.
He cried until his muscles ached and his body screamed at him for putting such strain on it. He cried until his eye felt as though they would swell shut, and he could no longer breath out his nose. His throat was raw and hoarse by the time that he had regained composure enough to speak.
"Why did you do this?" He whimpered, his head dropping onto the gravestone. "Why did you leave me? You're my best friend, and you're supposed to be here until the wheels fall off. I...I can't do this without you. I miss you, Kevin. The apartment is too empty and I can't just leave. We spent months preparing for when you were going to die, but we never prepared for what that was going to do with me. I was so caught up in not being selfish and wanting you to stay that I forgot to even consider that." He paused and stood, ignoring the mud that was caked to the knees of his jeans and glancing at the headstone. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss you, and I hope that, wherever you are, you're happy. I love you, Kev."
Javier ran his fingers over the stubble of hair that had begun to grow back on his head. His stomach clenched painfully as he realized what that meant. It was a sign that the world was moving on. Kevin Ryan had died, and the world had not stopped turning. The grass had not stopped growing, people had not stopped going to work every day, and his hair was growing back. As much as his heart wanted to believe it wasn't true, life had been continuing around him without his consent.
It was then that he had the revelation of what Kevin had spent the last three months trying to prepare him for. He knew that Javier would shut down as soon as Kevin's heart stopped beating, so he had tried his best to prepare him to keep living life. Javier knew that Kevin wouldn't want him to be moping around and letting the world pass him idly by. So, he was going to start living. He was going to do all of the things that he said he would that had gotten pushed to the back burner when he joined the academy.
And he was going to do it for Kevin.
So, I honestly don't know how I feel about this piece. I started off really, really liking it, but now I'm not so sure. *sigh* Drop me a review and let me know, and I'll get to work on my next piece which will hopefully be better than this one.
Much love, J. Rook