A/N: Well hello all. I'm not even entirely sure what this is that I'm posting. This is what happens when I grocery shop the medical isle at night. These things pop into my head and force me to write them. So you get this. A throwback to Blaine's performance of Cough Syrup. I know, right? Like I said, I just don't know. It's sad. Decently so, but it was completely different take on why the song hit Blaine so hard than I've seen anywhere else, so I thought I'd throw it out there.
Slight triggers possibly for suicide (well, that's basically what the whole episode is about anyways.)
Disclaimer: Yeah, only in my dreams.
Italics are lines from the song Cough Syrup in case you don't remember. Haha, but how could we forget?
I love you all.
And I'm here if you wanna talk.
Life's too short to even care at all.
Blaine was a closed off person. To most people, and even to Kurt sometimes. This wasn't to say that Blaine wasn't a friendly person, because he was one of the happiest, most talkative, and bright people Kurt had ever met. But if you listened, really listened to him talk, you began to notice the two things that Blaine Anderson never talked about: his family, and his own emotions. This often struck others as funny, because when Monday would come and the glee members would be talking about one crazy family weekend story or another, you'd see Blaine smile and laugh along, but never did he share one of his own. Kurt noticed these things. How could you not notice such important differences in the one who owned your heart? He could feel Blaine's discomfort in those moments, and often took his hand. But Blaine would just flash him one of his signature smiles and Kurt would forget why he thought Blaine was upset. He even tried to broach the topic occasionally.
"Blaine?" The two boys were lying curled up on Kurt's bed, supposedly watching a movie and cuddling, but there was more of the latter than actual movie gazing. Blaine smiled at Kurt.
"What is it babe?" Kurt sighed. He didn't know how to start this. He didn't want to ruin the mood, but something was up. It had been for several days now. Blaine sat up quickly, noticing the torn look on Kurt's face. "Kurt? Is everything alright? Are you okay?" Blaine's hands began to run over Kurt's body, checking for any signs of injury. But Kurt just grabbed them and held them tight, looking up at Blaine after a few moments to gather his thoughts.
Losing my mind, losing control.
"Blaine? Why don't you ever talk about your family?" Kurt felt Blaine go rigid and grow extremely tense.
"Why do you say that Kurt?" Blaine whispered, having long broken his eye contact with the other boy.
"Because it's true. I mean, do they not want to meet me? Are your parents together? I've never even been to your house Blaine, and we've been dating a while, and best friends even longer. Does none of that sound off to you?" Blaine was silent, so Kurt continued. "I guess, I mean, Finn knows everything about Rachel's family and her life, and I feel sometimes like I don't even know you at all." Blaine turned to face Kurt.
"Kurt, you have to trust me when I say that you know me better than anyone on this Earth. I just, I can't. Not tonight. Just not tonight. Please?" Blaine looked close to begging, and although Kurt really felt like they needed to talk about it, he knew not to push Blaine. So he gave him a small kiss and nodded.
"Okay. We don't have to talk about it tonight. Just know that whenever you want to, I'll still be here. I'll always be here for you B." At the sound of his nickname, Blaine swallowed back the lump in his throat and nodded, determined not to show his true feelings on the matter. Not tonight.
"I've got to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." Blaine smiled at Kurt, even though he knew that Kurt felt how forced it was, and left the room, and leaving Kurt as confused as ever.
I'd run away.
Blaine went into the bathroom and sank to the floor, quietly crying his eyes out. He was silent, having gotten good at quiet crying a long time ago. He hated this. He hated keeping secrets from Kurt. But he knew that he couldn't share it with him. Not tonight.
When he went back into the room Kurt pretended not to notice that Blaine had been crying, and for that Blaine loved Kurt even more. Kurt just opened up his arms and they rewound the movie again and actually watched this time, Blaine safe in Kurt's arms.
Try as he might, Kurt knew that he couldn't just forget about what had happened that night. But most of all, he knew that what Blaine needed right now was just to be held. So Kurt held Blaine tightly, but also vowed to make sure Blaine knew he was there to talk to as well. He couldn't let another night go by without making sure of that. And especially not tonight.
I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down, come down.
The next day at school, news spread about David Karofsky's suicide attempt.
There were different reactions from different people.
The majority of the Glee Club members were sad.
Santana excused herself and Brittney found her crying in the bathroom.
Kurt cried on the spot, somehow blaming himself for what had happened, which no one seemed to understand but Blaine.
Blaine. His was the reaction that no one expected. Blaine grew really, really quiet, closing in on himself. He shied away from even Kurt, who pulled back as if he had been stung. But Blaine didn't even look at him. Blaine stood, and left the choir room.
Everyone kept asking Kurt what was wrong, and telling him to go after him, but Kurt shook his head, knowing that this was Blaine's breaking point, and he really needed some time alone. No one saw him the rest of the day, even Artie and Tina said that he hadn't been in class. Kurt began to grow worried, but forced himself to calm down, knowing that Blaine would let him know when he was needed.
Coming up now out of the blue.
But that moment didn't have to come. The Glee Club was gathered in the auditorium sitting in a circle. Mr. Shue had gathered them to talk about how they all felt, even sharing his own story about thoughts of suicide. Kurt kept quiet. Most of the Glee Club never knew how close Kurt himself had come to doing it. Only Finn, Blaine, and Mercedes knew the real story. Glee Club had saved Kurt's life, his father was right about that much. But more so than that, Blaine had saved his life. The day he met Blaine, everything began to look up for once. Kurt knew things were gonna be okay. Which is why halfway through the meeting when Blaine wandered in, Kurt simply stood and walked over, taking his hand and leading him over to the circle, sitting beside him, and shooting a glare at the rest of them, daring them to say anything about his disappearance or tardiness. But Blaine didn't seem to be any better than he had been earlier that day. His eyes were still glassed over, and his posture awkwardly hunched over.
When the meeting ended and everyone began to leave, Kurt and Blaine sat still. Kurt gave Finn a look that told him to get everyone out, and that they would talk after Kurt got home that night. Finn nodded, their brother telepathy working for once, and soon it was only Kurt and Blaine left. Kurt turned to where he was sitting cross legged across from Blaine. He laid a hand on Blaine's knee and caught the boy's eye.
"Blaine? Baby please talk to me. I know I said I wouldn't ever push," Kurt remembered his words from the night before. But he was just about to see how connected the two events were. "But I'm really worried about you." Blaine looked up at Kurt and opened his mouth, but then shut it.
"I-I can't." Blaine said in the softest whisper. Kurt thought for a moment then smiled a small smile, knowing what Blaine needed and feeling bad for not thinking of it before. He slipped his iPod from his pocket and sat it in Blaine's hand.
Dark world aches for a splash of the sun.
"Then find a song and sing about it Blaine." Blaine looked at the device, then up at Kurt, and for a split second, Kurt could see the old Blaine, a glimmer of hope in his eyes as he slowly nodded. Blaine scrolled and scrolled until finally his fingers paused and he gave a small nod to himself. He looked up at Kurt, who gestured to the player to go plug it in. Blaine slowly stood and went to go plug it in. Kurt went into the audience and sat on a stool, which he wasn't even really sure why it was there. Blaine hit play and Kurt felt his heart constrict as he recognized the start of Cough Syrup. This was not the conversation Kurt had thought he would be having with Blaine. But he sat and watched as Blaine sang.
When Blaine was singing, he poured his heart into every little piece of the song. He would dig down deep to find the emotions that made him such a great actor and performer. But while every time Blaine sings Kurt feels he was gaining a new perspective on Blaine, never had he seen Blaine as vulnerable as he was when he sang Cough Syrup. Something about the deep and lost look in his eyes made Kurt want to cry. But in the end, it was Blaine who finished the last note then burst into tears. He hugged his arms around himself, and Kurt had to hold himself back from running up there until he knew it was okay. But when Blaine simply looked out and whispered a small, "Kurt." Kurt was already off the stool and jumping up onto the stage. He wrapped his arms around the shaking boy and held him tight. He felt Blaine's tears, hot on his cheeks but cold by the time they hit Kurt's shoulder. Kurt just laced his fingers with Blaine's and used his other hand to free his hair from the gel helmet he wore, letting his curls loose. Blaine just cried. Kurt sank down to the floor holding Blaine in his lap, gently rocking him back and forth. Blaine cried for ten minutes straight before it started to slow, and he was reduced to just shaking on the floor. Kurt planted kiss after kiss in his hair, or behind his ears, or his forehead or his cheeks, anywhere he thought might calm Blaine. After a little bit all was quiet, and Kurt caught Blaine's eyes.
"Baby, we need to talk." Blaine looked conflicted, but knew it was useless trying to hide from Kurt any longer. So he slowly nodded in agreement.
Restore life the way it should be.
"I'm sorry." Blaine whispered.
"Blaine, you have nothing to be sorry for. I'm not mad at you for not telling me, but I am concerned." Blaine was quiet. "Blaine, do you, do you want to kill yourself?" Kurt had an extremely hard time forcing those words out, and he shut his eyes, scared of the answer. For if Blaine told him yes, it would destroy Kurt. He couldn't even fathom life without Blaine, and had hoped he would never have to. But Blaine just turned quickly to face Kurt, shaking his head wildly.
"No. No Kurt. I don't. I, I couldn't." Kurt turned to Blaine. "Doing that would be leaving you, and you Kurt are the single most thing that keeps me happy on days like this." Kurt was confused.
"Days like this? Blaine, if not you, why did you sing that song?" Blaine nodded, understanding Kurt's confusion. He slid from Kurt's lap and sat back across from him again. Blaine took Kurt's hands in his own and squeezed them tight. Then he started letting his secrets out.
"I sang it for my brother." Kurt gave him a puzzled look.
If I could find a way to see this straight…
"Cooper," But he was cut off by the shaking of Blaine's head.
"Not Cooper. B-Bennett." Even saying his name sent a chill down Blaine's spine. Kurt was silent, waiting for him to continue. "Kurt, I have two brothers. Well, I had two brothers." Kurt didn't like where this conversation was headed. He wished anything that he could take away every instance Blaine had ever hurt in his life, but knew that just wasn't possible. So he waited.
"Where's Bennett now?" He asked.
"He's dead." Blaine whispered. He took a deep breath. "Bennett, he killed himself. I was only nine years old. Cooper was fifteen, and Bennett was eighteen. He was a senior in high school." Blaine's thoughts drifted back to the era when he had two brothers, and let himself get lost in the memories. "Bennett was always, more accepting of everything than Cooper was. I mean. Coop's great, but you know how he is sometimes. Bennett was the typical older brother. He's the one who taught me how to sing and play piano. He would read me bedtime stories, and bandage my scrapes when I was little and fell over everything. He was always there to make someone laugh, or smile. He could make my mom smile for just about anything, and he was Dad's pride and joy. He dated some, but most girls were simply happy to be his best friends. He never had to worry about getting a date to any dance or formal. He and Cooper were on the same soccer team once. It drove Coop nuts that he couldn't play on a different team because the other kids were so much older and bigger than he was, but Ben, he taught Coop up some, and soon enough Cooper was starting side by side with Ben." Blaine could barely feel Kurt's hands in his anymore. He was too busy remembering his brother, and how amazing he had been. But now was the hard part, the part he didn't want to talk about, and the reason he had chosen that song. Blaine knew he couldn't get through this part alone and so he moved back in between Kurt's legs, his head nestled in the crook of Kurt's neck.
These creatures in the sea they're staring at me, whoa.
"It's okay. I'm still here." Kurt whispered, wrapping his arms around Blaine's torso.
"I think the worst part was that no one saw it coming. I mean, I'm sure there were signs, but no one caught them. The last conversation we ever had, I didn't know at the time why Bennett was trying so hard to tell me so much. I didn't understand, and I asked him if he could write it down. He just shook his head and hugged me tightly. I asked him if he could read me a bedtime story like he used to. He just smiled and told me, 'Not tonight B.'" Blaine stopped and looked up at Kurt. "You call me that. The first time, I thought it would hurt, but it doesn't. It feels nice, knowing that the only two people who ever called me B were the two most important people in my life." Kurt smiled. "After that, he ruffled my hair, told me he loved me, and went into his room, shutting the door. I was the last one to see him alive. I was the last one to get to hug him, the last one he said I love you to." Blaine could feel himself breaking again and shook his head, trying to get through it to finish. "The next morning, Cooper went in there to ask him where Bennett had left their cleats. They had a game that afternoon. But Bennett didn't wake up. He downed a whole bottle of cough syrup and half a bottle of sleeping pills after he left me that night. By the time Coop found him, it was too late. The paramedics said that he had been gone for hours." Blaine choked on a sob rising up in his throat. Kurt rubbed his back soothingly.
"Blaine, why are you just now telling me this?" He whispered, slightly hurt. "Why wait until today? Why not last night?" Blaine just looked at him and something he had said the night before flashed through Kurt's mind.
"I just, I can't. Not tonight. Just not tonight. Please?"
Kurt gasped and turned to Blaine.
"Blaine, baby, is today…" Blaine nodded slowly, burying his face in Kurt's chest. Kurt was stunned. He just pulled Blaine tighter and held him. For someone as strong as Blaine to keep something this big a secret, Kurt knew that it had to have eating at him every day this week.
One more spoon of cough syrup now.
"Kurt." He heard Blaine whisper. Kurt pulled back enough to see Blaine's face clearly. "Kurt I want to promise you something." Kurt nodded, telling him to go on. "Kurt, I promise you that I will never do anything to take myself away from you. Because I, I know how much this hurts me, missing him. I would never wish this on someone else, especially not you. But that's not saying that I don't sometimes get to thinking about it. What it would be like." Blaine's voice trailed off, then he looked up at Kurt. "But Kurt, I don't want to catch you off guard. I don't want you to go through this. So if I ever start to feel that way, I promise you I won't keep it a secret from you. I promise you I'll be honest about how I'm feeling, or at least more than I have been recently. You're one of the most important people in my life Kurt, and I owe you that much." Kurt felt his tears fall as he nodded.
"Okay. Can I promise you the same?" Blaine's whipped his head up at that.
"What-Kurt-you…" Kurt shrugged.
"Sometimes, kids are just too mean to handle. But I haven't thought about it since the day I met you. But I want to promise you the same. You're one of the most important people in my life Blaine, and I owe you that much." Kurt quoted Blaine. Blaine smiled and hugged Kurt tightly.
"Thank you Kurt. For not pushing me to tell you last night. That was what I needed. You. Just you holding me. Just like you are now." Kurt smiled and kissed Blaine's hair.
"Let's go home okay? I'll get Finn to make us some of his famous hot chocolate, and we can cuddle the rest of the night. You can tell me about this wonderful brother of yours if you like." Kurt hadn't seen Blaine smile that big in days as he helped him to his feet.
"Really? You, you wanna hear about him?" Kurt nodded.
"Of course I do Blaine. He's a part of you. And I want to know about the special man who took care of you before I could." Blaine's eyes welled up with tears again and he ran into Kurt's arms. Kurt led the boy from the room and towards the car.
"Was he any taller than you are Blaine?" Kurt asked. Blaine shoved the taller boy and stuck his tongue out.
"Shut up. And no, actually. I'm as tall as he was." Kurt smiled at Blaine and raised his eyebrows slightly as they climbed into the car. "Okay, so maybe I'm a little shorter." He admitted. Kurt laughed and kissed Blaine on the lips before cranking up the car and heading towards home.
Blaine wasn't fixed. Kurt knew that with this newfound opening, there would be nights when he would have to patch Blaine back up, remind him that it wasn't his fault, and that his brother loved him. There would be times when Blaine would get upset over something said, but now Kurt would know why. Blaine would still carry the hurt over losing his brother in his heart. And Blaine would have nights when he felt no one would ever love him like his brother had. But finally, Blaine felt free. He had told Kurt about one of the biggest things to change him and mold him into who he was. He had emptied his heart on the stage. His heart was full of happiness right now, yet he knew there would be days when that wasn't the case. But with Kurt by his side, hands clasped together tightly, he knew, "Just not tonight."
One more spoon of cough syrup now, whoa, whoa.
Well there it is. I'm still not sure what impulse me to write this, but I've been writing for two hours rather than doing my math homework due tonight. So you guys can live with that guilt. I'd like to hear your thoughts. What do you think about Blaine hiding this from Kurt, or the idea of Bennett's character as he's seen here?
Look for an update to The Freshman soon.
Lots of Love,
Olivia