FORGET THE WORLD
Forget the world, you say.
When I'm in pain or sad; you said to forget the world. Forget all the meaningless things and think of me for once. Think of how I feel and not what they think that is right.
Because it's not them who could feel this burden. It's not them who could feel their heart breaking, their humanity being torn to pieces, their soul being tampered.
Forget the world and the world may forget you so they would forget your mistake. That's how you lived most of your life. That's how you've gotten by everyday as everyone throws things at you that hurt.
Once, I thought you were crazy. Crazier than what is acceptable. You once said to me, "Everything is acceptable as long as you accept everything."
I can remember myself laughing. With you, I had been laughing more than I had all my life. With you, I smile a lot more than I had been willing to. With you, I was me more than I had been before.
When I'm with you, everything seems perfect.
"Don't be deluded." You smiled at me, jaded with all the shadows behind your back, "There's no such thing as perfect. There are only the good days and the bad days and the imperfection of humanity. Remember, the only one who desires perfection was Lucifer."
And it rang. Your words always rang, they echo and it made my heart twist most of the times.
Every waking hour now, I still felt a hole inside me. Maybe, it's because you walk away first. Of course I run after you. I had run after you like it was for the first time in my life that I had run after you, drop everything and forget the wolrd and just run after you.
"Stay. Please, please stay. I'm sorry." I cried, my eyes red from the translucent tears cascading upon my cheeks.
You taught me that crying makes the pain dull, that it would move anyone, that it would sway anyone because tears were the the most convincing words that the lips cannot muster.
So, why aren't you moved? Why aren't you convinced? Why didn't you stay?
You smiled—I knew you would, you always do—and wiped my tears away—as you would have if you're still alive.
"Forget the world." You would whisper. And I grew angry.
"I had! I had forgotten the world. For you! It had always been for you! Why don't you open your eyes and tell me to forget the world because you're here with me!"
Silence. The silence deafens me. It was silent as I cried. I had always been a dreamer since I met you. And now, I'm dreaming of talking to you again.
"Why didn't you forget the world and stayed with me instead?" I asked because I needed to. I needed to know why.
Forget the world, you say, because they never feel what you feel. Individually, our pain is unique. Your pain is different from mine and mine from others.
So, forget the world because they don't know what you have, they don't have the right to judge.
Why didn't you forget the world when your pain hurts so much? Why didn't you throw all caution and be happy because you're you.
You taught me that. You had taught me many things and being true is one of them.
"When you're true, you're happy. You don't need to hide anything so the world can't taint your name when your name is already tainted by the honesty the way you lived life."
I once called you mine. The most precious one I had in my life was you when everyone turned their back at me when I became true to myself. And having the right to call you mine was never a regret in my life.
When society closed their door at my face, when reality brought me down, when the world laughed at me, you were my saving grace. Maybe, that's why I had fallen in love with you.
Being gay be damned. I don't need their opinion, I don't want their judgment, I only need your yes to my question and I am the happiest man alive.
They said, "You're throwing your life away for him."
I turned my back on them, turned my nose up and replied. "I don't care. With him, I find solace. I found myself happiness, I found myself a home. With him, I'm happy, I'm me."
"It's wrong in the eyes of God!" They shouted at me, I smiled bitterly.
"Humans are wrong. We make something wrong and added in the eyes of God for it. You're wrong to judge but you still do it, judging is wrong in the eyes of God then why are you judging?"
"You're both men. It's wrong and disgusting!"
"Love is neither wrong nor disgusting. You only said that to feel right and satisfied with yourself. Gender were only used to differentiate individuals, when the body withers and the only thing left is our soul, there's no boy or girl. We're all the same. I am not saying that it's not really wrong for you have a bibble to prove your point." I paused and this time smiled genuinely, "I have my heart though to prove my case. Would you like to read it and know that it's too jaded to hear all your shouts?"
Don't you remember all those times I had defended our love? Of course, you do. You always do and you always teased me for it. You once said to me that you were happy to meet me, happier than you had been before.
"Before you came, I was a lonely man. I smiled for the sake of smiling and I laughed for the sake of laughing. But I was never truly happy. A part of me always knew that something is missing. A part of me always knew that something is wrong with me." You paused and hold my hands, interlacing our fingers as you did so. "I mean, I am gay for goodness sake! Many had scorned me for it, they threw dirty looks at me and tell me that I will burn in hell because of my choice. I once considered killing myself for the sake of the world. Before you came, I was the saddest of them all. I often cut myself—see these fading scars on my wrist? I made them—and for those moments, I was numbed. I was numbed from the pain of the world and the people in it."
And I wished I could wipe your tears, hugged you and kissed them away. Just to protect you from all those agony and misery. So that you would be the brightest of all.
"But you know what? I realized it's not worth it, cutting myself I mean. I started writing instead and I found myself useful with papers and pens. I wrote poetry and tragedies and stories with happy endings. I pour all my heart and soul to it until I can smile for the sake of myself and I can laugh for the sake of being happy and free and true. But I became the brightest when I met you." You smiled and kissed my forehead, you're still taller than me, "I was happier when I met you at twenty-two. I was lighter when I fell in love with you. I was the most contented when I'm with you. So, thank you. Thank you for being gay for me and for forgetting the world for me."
I cried. You were never one for long speeches, all your love were always shown with gestures and actions.
I cried because I knew. I had known for so long now, four years to be exact. You would be walking away from me first.
And I cried more because I knew you don't want to. It hurts more knowing you still wanted to stay but you can't, you couldn't not because you don't want to but because you don't have a choice.
Luekemia is a bitch, isn't it?
I was on my way to work when your friend called me urgently. She said I needed to get to you soon, she said you needed me to. So I drop everything and forget the world and run after you, towards you, for you. I run and run and run.
There. Lying on the white bed was you. White as the sheet as you were lying, you smiled at me and for me, it was still the brightest one in the whole wide world.
"Stay. Please, please stay." I cried. And you tried to pat my head but you can't move anymore, everything you did nowadays hurt so much. You hurt so much and it hurts me to see you like this.
So you smiled at me again, a smile too happy for me in this situation, and said, "Forget the world, Arthur, forget the world and all the ideals of perfections in it and just be happy. Happier than I could have made you. Forget the world, Artie, so the world may forget about you and all your human faults and you'll be happier."
I don't know if I could cry harder as your grip on my hands loosened, our intertwined fingers slowly untwined themselves from my own and you were not mine anymore.
Not mine to keep in this wretched world of unfairness and hopelessness. You were not solely mine anymore.
"I kept on forgetting the world for you! Why can't you forget the world and …and… and… be mine again?" My smile cracked along with my heart, "Didn't you once said to me that we'll always be together forever?"
And it kept on cracking and shattering until I was left alone weeping in this world. I was never alone because of you. Why do you have to go then? Why?
"Forget the world, you say." I heaved a shaking breath. "If I do, would that bring you back? Would you still be alive? If I do forget the world, would I still be with you?"
But there's only silence and the quiet scenery that mocks me so, and there's also you—six feet underground of this black tombstone I left all my wishes and dream with the roses I kept on bringing here.
And like those roses, my heart will keep on wilting just because you're gone now.
For all screeches of the shouts of judgment and scorns thrown at me, you were the music that covers the pain, you were the sunshine in my darkest days and now that I'm fourty-seven, I realized, you still are.
A decade since you passed away, you still are my only one. Maybe, this is what humans called true love. The famed true love where you've found The One and you'll do anything to protect the precious moments you had and will have with this person.
Maybe, I had found it with you. No matter what they say, even if I'll be damned in hell with no salvation for being gay, I'll keep on loving you.
So, I'll forget the world for you. And be happy and true so that even if they scorn, there'll be no more dirt to put on my name since I had washed it away with my tears for years now.
I'll keep on forgetting the world if it means justifying to everyone that my love for you was eternal and true and will never fade away. This is what being gay is like, finding true love is hard but with you, you make it look easy. All I had needed was looked at you and forget the world and for goodness sake, be true and happy. With you.
Always, always with you.
I love you, Alfred.
I love you too, Arthur. Always.
Forget the world, you say.
When I'm in pain or sad, you said to forget the world. Forget all the meaningless things and think of me for once. Think of how I feel and not what they think that is right.
So, I'm thinking of forgetting the world and just falling in love with you because for me—I don't care with what they think anymore—loving you was the rightest thing I had ever done.
And, so, forget the world; I did.
End…
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I could update Of Devious Omega Days more often now! I'm going to graduate soon! I'm only waiting for two weeks and I'll be school free. :D