Disclaimer: I do not own any aspect of Twilight. I just own my OC and my thoughts.
There are so many thoughts running through my head right now. I don't know if I can do this. Do this thing called being me. Where did my breaking point of being me come from? When I decided to give myself, all of me, to a guy. Not just any guy though, the love of my life. Age old tale with nothing original to it really. Girl meets guy, girl falls in love with guy, loves guy unconditionally (literally), guy keeps hurtful secrets, girl gains doubts, guy acts so real and serious with girl, girl confirms doubt, guy breaks girl's heart. Whose fault is it? The girl, me in this case, because she knew but gave everything away anyway.
I want to scream and cry, I want to lay around and feel numb, and most of all I want to not need you. Even still with all this hurt, anger, and pain I know I shouldn't even feel this way. There was no definition to our relationship. After very intimate moments when you were about to leave, the word "friend" was always used from your lips. I let myself feel too much and do too much when I know right from wrong, and have seen other girls and their relationships. Well, at least those girls had their guy, they had a declared boyfriend. I was, and still am, nothing but a dirty little secret. No. not the other woman. Honestly I may have since I was never anything to be outright public. Finding out that sick feeling in your hurt, that forced yourself to right off as paranoia, is true is the worst thing for a heart. A heart that you handed over to someone you thought could be what you needed.
All the memories are just piling up and running on repeat in my mind. I can't stop it. I don't know how, or maybe I don't want to know how. They are memories of us that I love because I felt loved, so loved by you. My heart is physically hurting right now, it needs to feel you still in there. All it is feeling now is the burning absence of where you used to be in my heart, but it isn't because I removed you. No, you did that yourself in a way, and I mean in a way since you never really let me have you. I realize now, after it is too late, that I never had you due to you fooling me into thinking I did. Maybe, or the truth of it all, is I fooled myself into thinking that not you.
Never being enough is something that I have learned to be with, yet here I was thinking that you are the exception. I was wrong, and I knew it the moment you laid eyes on her. She is prettier than me and draws people into her, which is something I can't really do. You, like others got caught up in her and can't let her go, because you don't want to. There is no way you can deny all this since sadly facts are facts. I love you too much. Fact. I ignored myself for you. Fact. I still want you to be with me exclusively. Fact. I am hurting beyond repair. Fact. You don't feel the same feelings I feel towards you, for me. Fact, because I looked behind what I wanted to see and saw all of the pieces to my heart behind you.
You, Jacob Black, will always be the love of my life. She, Bella Swan, is the love of your life. I am Elena Swan, also to be known as the wrong Swan.