The Bothersome Nose: Tales of a Greasy Git
By: Ceyl the Intelligent and RenTheGenius
A collection of fanfiction pieces centered around Severus Snape.
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling holds full property of Severus Snape, his abnormally large nose, and any grease that may accompany his person. She owns all of the other characters and settings as well; may she be blessed with the necessary quantity of shampoo to impress the value of hygiene upon her less-than-fresh characters.
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Severus Snape, a third year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was quickly fleeing down the Transfiguration corridor, trying desperately to inspect his toenails but finding himself incapable due to the vast size of his nose. He was concerned that they had been cursed off earlier that day during a charms lesson by a certain James Potter, the bane of his existence. Though, he had yet found the time to remove his leopard-printed socks that he had received for Christmas by his Great Aunt Smellga, who he had unfortunately inherited his nose from.
Running into the first empty classroom he could find, Severus quickly removed the leopard-patterned socks to find that he still could not see his toes due to the abnormally large growth that seemed to be protruding out of his head between his eyeballs. Soon, he began to contemplate the purpose of noses and why he was born with one so disfigured.
The long, wooden Transfiguration desks were a most useful location for studying ones toes at a variety of complicated angles. However, Severus, much to his general dismay, was unsuccessful in all respects. Thus, he briefly considered asking Professor McGonagall to transfigure his nose into something smaller and less obnoxious, but he thought better of it. Severus then dropped his wand, which he had been twirling absentmindedly through his fingers. He bent down to retrieve it, only to find that he could not see that properly as well. At that point, he had had enough. He pointed his wand at his nose and, with all of the instruction in transfiguration he had ever reserved rushing urgently to the forefront of his mind, he began to mutter a hopeful incantation. Luckily, a sudden crash echoed through the room just before he finished uttering the spell.
Looking about to see what had disturbed his careful examination of his feet, Severus found none other than Sirius Black, one of his arch nemeses, staring back at him with a faceful of laughter. He was soon followed by a rather angry looking Professor McGonagall. Sirius looked upon the scene before him incredulously. Anyone else would have too if he had found an incredibly greasy git with an abnormally large nose perched atop a transfiguration desk with no socks and inspecting his feet; especially if the someone happened to be his favorite target, Snivellus Snape. Professor McGonagall's cross expression quickly turned to one of irritated confusion.
Sirius, being himself, could not believe his luck. Here he was being dragged to a detention he had received moments before for blowing up an unused cauldron, only to find that not only did he get to do boring work while tormenting his Transfiguration professor, but he was also being supplied with more ammunition to use against his enemy.
Unable to resist, Sirius said, "Hello, Snivellus. Fancy seeing you here. Though I can perfectly understand that you are inspecting your toes for further stores of grease (though I daresay you don't need anymore), I must inquire as to why you have leopard patterned socks." While at the same time Professor McGonagall demanded, "Snape, what in the name of Merlin are you doing?"
"I—er, I was just—well, I, er—sorry, Professor," Severus stammered quietly, as he quickly stored his wand that had been brandished before his nose only seconds before.
Professor McGonagall studied him irritably.
"Mr. Black, do mind your own business and get to scrubbing the desks, as I had instructed you. You are in detention, and I will see to it that you will not find yourself entertained whatsoever during the course of your punishment," she snapped and rounded on Severus. "And, as for you, Mr. Snape, please collect your things and kindly wait in the hallway."
Severus obliged, his ears burning with embarrassment and frustration with Professor McGonagall for having assigned Sirius detention in that classroom at the exact same time he had chosen to occupy it for a rather awkward purpose. More episodes of impatience on the part of Professor McGonagall unfolded, largely due to a fresh, persistent complaint by Sirius that the desks were now infinitely more polluted and greasy since Severus had been perched atop of them. Cleaning, consequently, had become what he reasoned to be a much too intricate of a process to be fair for a standard detention sentence. Severus's transfiguration professor finally emerged from her classroom as Sirius's arguments subsided into an indignant grumble.
"Mr. Snape, I would be very pleased if you would explain to me why you were in my classroom on a Saturday afternoon. While you are at it, you might inform me why you were pointing your wand at your nose as well," she ordered firmly, an annoyed and perplexed look consuming her face.
"I was not doing anything wrong, and I was hardly there at all," Severus defended as he struggled to pull his a sock over his toes, the state of which still being questionable. "There are not any grounds to punish me, Professor."
Professor McGonagall raised her eyebrows at Severus sternly and examined him for a moment.
"Well, it is clear that you will not be telling me what you were up to, whatever it was. However, Mr. Snape, I would suggest that you proceed to the hospital wing immediately. If you were in the possession of any toenails before, you certainly aren't now."
A/N: To explain the quality and categorization of this piece, we thought you may find our thought process interesting- if not mildly frightening. If you do not find it the least bit intriguing, do not be hesitant to skip over it; you will not be missing any plot details, rather a slightly traumatizing experience.
The last bit of this story was written by me, RenTheGenius. However, a lot of the annotations in the author's notes, which I do hope you do not find too disturbing, are courtesy of Ceyl the Intelligent. You see, as this was our first fanfiction, I decided to write down whatever came out of her mouth until we obtained an idea. That did not take too terribly long, fortunately. However, it did take a bit of time for her to realize that I actually was documenting her every move. She did consent to allowing the author's notes to be unedited for this installment, but I have a feeling she will be more selective about her choice of words, as well as lyric-reciting, next time.
-Well, aren't you going to say something?-Ceyl the Intelligent
-Your turn. This is going to sound like such a – what's the word for it? :dramatic finger holding… of an appropriate finger… and shaking of such. And eyebrow raising and laughing: - Ceyl the Intelligent
-It is you turn now so type. Baby you can drive my CAR…what?! You're writing everything I say again, aren't you?! :storms off… dancing… (me: er—ok.) Oh no! Crap… that dancing thing brought to mind the song… NO NONO! The dancing Queen... oh my gosh… baby you can drive my car…and baby I love you…- Ceyl the Intelligent
-:Standing and swaying… a lot!: :biting of the lip while skipping and dancing: (now she is glaring at me…hehehe…though she now looks contemplative: authors note – this will be s short paragraph…. For context ……. –RenTheGenius
-:falls to the floor…: Er—an idea! Oh, my gosh! I wonder if we sound smart in this or just downright stupid. I think we sound like intelligent stupid people. Well, I'm starting a file for Dudley's Secret Passions :that would be the newest fanfiction we are jointly writing: I have an idea, actually.-Ceyl the Intelligent
-I'm rereading this paragraph. I kind of set it up for you so you can write about examples. (this is in reference to the other fanfiction we are currently writing) I' m Coming :stares intently at the screen: Ok I'm done. The monkey is dancing. OW! Ok that's good. I am back now; they were trying to attack me with a flirting monkey. – RenTheGenius
Additional Notification/Disclaimer: The disjointed lyrics belong to The Beatles, and correspond with their song "Drive My Car" from the album Rubber Soul, which we own nothing of. I would suggest you listen to the song if you are interested, or any of The Beatles songs for that matter, as they are awesome.