Her black-toed boots accent the professionalism of her Class A uniform as she strolls through the 12th Precinct. She recently got around to shining them, finally… usually it takes a funeral or parade or some other event for her to go through the trouble. Not this time though, thank god. She has been trying to keep herself busy.
It's the end of tour for her. She spent the day as usual: 0800-1600 riding shotgun next to Jamie. The shift was pretty uneventful, the usual domestic, protective custody, a few parking tickets and one collar for trespassing. She finished up her supplemental report and is headed to the locker room to change out of uniform.
For Eddie, changing out of the blue polyester and placing her gun belt in her locker releases 20 pounds off her body, literally and metaphorically. As she removes her Glock 40 cal from her holster, drops the magazine and clears the chamber, placing it in her locker she thinks about something she heard the commissioner say years ago- cops not only wear the dress blues to stand out to others, but to give them a release at the end of the day. To leave the trauma and stress behind. A symbol of release.
Release. She takes a deep breath and slides her cranberry colored long sleeve tee over her head, over the white tank she wore under her vest. She decided against throwing on the jeans she wore to work that morning, too uncomfortable. She grabs a pair of black leggings she has tucked away in the corner of her locker for workouts or an emergency change instead. Not only are they comfortable, she knows she looks damn good in them. Not that that would matter here, anyway, she isn't trying to impress anybody. Who am I kidding… Whatever. She grabs her purse and walks out the door.
She strolls to the back lot and to her Porsche while debating between going to a bar and grabbing a rum & coke or going home to drink alone. I need to stop making this a habit. It's been a while since she's fallen asleep completely sober. Luckily she is senior enough on her shift now that if there is a sick call she isn't ordered in early. Explaining to Sgt. Renzulli how she cannot come into work because she is a few drinks deep is one of the most embarrassing things she can think of.
She takes a seat and shuts the door. Her phone vibrates. Jamie, she smiles to herself.
"Hey."
"Hey. What are you up to? I must have just missed you headed out of the locker room."
More release. Another few pounds lifted. His presence, even through a phone, feels like home.
"Yeah, I flew outta there pretty quick, I'm tired. I think I'm just going to head home and call it a night."
"Ok, you sure? I was thinking about headed to O'Malley's to grab a drink."
"Yeah I am sure. Thank you Reagan."
At least she tells herself she is.
He pauses.
"Eddie?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you okay? You didn't seem yourself today. You didn't finish your lunch."
He catches her off guard. She knows she has been stressed beyond belief. She misses her family and she is at many crossroads. Her father has been on her mind a lot, and she is starting to miss him, really miss him. The kind of missing someone that makes you question your entire life, and makes you overanalyze why you are the way you are. Am I like him? She just wants to not feel so alone and confused.
"Eddie?"
He snaps her back out of it. As always.
"Yeah Jamie I'm okay. Sorry. Just a lot on my mind."
"That's a lie…"
She cuts him off.
"Jamie don't…"
"Ed, you know I know when somethings up. I know you better than any other person."
He's right, she thinks.
"You do. I just feel really alone right now, okay?"
"Do you have dinner planned at home?"
"No I will order out when I get home I guess…"
"I have an unopened bottle of scotch in my car and I'm just about to pass that pizza place on the corner near the precinct. I'll be there in 20."
"Okay."
She hangs up the phone with a sigh and takes another deep breath. Just get through the day, and get through the night. He mind echoes the words she will never forget. She puts the car in drive and before she knows it, she is unlocking her apartment door and pouring herself a glass of wine. Might as well get a head start.
The yoga pants stay on, but she changes into slippers for the sake of comfort. She sits on the couch and flips the TV on, glass in hand. She drinks quickly, to take the edge off. The channels don't seem to interest her so she checks her phone. One missed message from Jamie.
She swipes it open to see a photo he took of the pizza box and bottle of fine liquor sitting in his front seat with the caption "I'm on my way." She smiles. Her stomach growls. I guess he was right, I really didn't each much for lunch today.
She stands and opens peeks through her blinds to see the orange and pink covered sky. She has always had a thing for sunsets. Just like taking off her uniform at the end of the day, she thinks about how they symbolize new beginnings. Release.
There is a knock on the door. She runs to the kitchen, gulps down the last sip of wine, and puts the glass in the sink. He has a key and she can hear him letting himself in, but he always knocks just in case. She doesn't know why.
He shuts the door and peeks his head around the corner, holding the bottle of scotch in one hand the massive box of pizza in the other. He raises them above his head and gives a big grin. Her heart melts and she successfully keeps the words you are so fucking adorable in her head. The thought quickly dissipates when he almost drops the box but saves it last second. He places it on the table along with the bottle. Eddie is doubled over laughing, one hand on the counter of the granite-covered island table as he stands there looking like he saw a ghost. He knows how in trouble he would have been if that landed all over the floor. There would have been tears. Many, many tears. But she doesn't seem to mind as she catches her breath and reaches for two glasses.
"Don't-" he is still breathing heavy, "let's pretend that did not happen."
She is still laughing her ass off.
He pours the scotch into the glasses and she digs into the pizza. Grabbing the entire box and bringing it to the couch, he grabs napkins and the glasses and follows behind her. As she bends down to move pillows, he notices what she is wearing. And he takes a deep breath himself. No, don't go there. Not now.
Unlike the sweet red wine she quickly got down before he arrived, the scotch burns her throat. Each time she raises the glass to her lips she feels the heat, and her mind goes to his lips- the feel of them, the friction. How they burn when they are connected. It has only happened twice in vulnerable moments, but she thinks about it often. She thinks about how vulnerable she is tonight, and the image, and thought, of her kissing the dripping scotch off his lips warms her insides. Is it the scotch or his presence? She knows damn well it is both. Especially as she feels the weight dip in the couch as he settles beside her and grabs a slice of pizza.
They eat in silence as they watch the evening news even though they are aware of anything notable that occurs in this city. Neither are paying attention anyways. They are starving.
"Ugh I cannot thank you enough for this Jamie, it hit the spot." She breaks the silence.
"Comfort food is always a good thing."
"Not for my hips, but yes."
"There is nothing wrong with your hips." He quickly says before he can realize what slipped out of his mouth.
She looks at him and raises an eyebrow.
He turns back to the TV and take another swig of his drink. She mirrors. Lord knows they need it for more reasons than one.
"So do you want to talk about it?" He asks.
"What..?" At first her heart skips a beat because her mind is still stuck on the unexpected comment a few minutes ago and she would love to think of a great comeback to drive him crazy but… then she realizes… "Oh, not really Jamie I am okay. I promise."
"Look, Eddie," he takes her glass puts it on the coffee table. "I know you have a lot going on, okay? I just want you to know I'm here for you."
"Jamie, I know. Look at you, look at what you did for me tonight, I would never question that. I am just going through this weird period right now where I don't know which way is up or down."
He leans over, two feet planted flat on the floor and rests his elbows on his knees, interlocking his fingers. He looks to his left, over at her. She is sitting cross-legged on the other side of the sofa, with her head in her hands. Jamie's heart hurts. He can feel her starting to break down.
"Hey, listen. Even when you can't find your way I'll be right here, upright, beside you. Always."
Shit, annnd here we go. She says as the tears start falling. Her palms remain holding the weight of her forehead.
He sees a tear roll down her right cheek and fall on the black material of her pants. For a second, he doesn't know what to do, so he watches. Her sobs become audible and her head drops even lower.
"Ed…"
"Eddie…"
"Eddie look at me…"
Her head raises enough for him to see how much she is struggling. Without hesitation he slides closer to her side without taking his eyes off of her. She looks down and does not move, silent tears roll down her cheeks. He swipes the loose blonde hair off of her face, or the side closest to him anyway, as she continues to cry. It keeps falling back despite his efforts.
"Gimme your hair tie."
She pulls it off of her wrist and hands it to him, confused.
"Turn that way."
He gestures to the wall near the windows, and she scoots herself around, away from him, and sees the pink and orange sky now almost gone.
He gently and calmly starts to run his fingers through her long hair, from her scalp to her shoulders, dragging it back away from both sides of her face. She closes her eyes. Never has she been so lost in a moment with him, or anyone, since...
"Pony or bun?" he asks.
"How do you know..?"
"Don't ask questions. Bun it is."
Gathering the hair at the top of her head, he secures the band in a loose messy bun. She is impressed. And she already feels much better. Release.
She hears him taking his sneakers off and pushing them aside. As she starts to turn around he stops her with a hand on her shoulder.
"Stay there for a sec, hang on."
She stills, confused. But she realizes she is no longer crying.
Behind her, he props a pillow up behind him and leans back against the head of the sofa. He slides his legs up off the floor and rests them sideways on the couch, and she feels a foot land next to each of her hips from behind. He quickly grabs a pillow and places it over his midsection and tells her "lean back." She follows his invitation, but can't help but wonder whether that pillow was for her comfort or to hide something else. Who are they kidding?
Internally he pats himself on the back at how smooth that plan worked out, but then he sort of panics wondering what to do with his arms. She decides for him. Gently resting her shoulders and back against the pillow, she feels the warmth of his thighs and lower legs beside her body. She needs more. Reaching behind her, she grabs his hands, interlocking fingers and bringing them together right on her chest, above the neckline of her shirt. Skin on skin. It feels like a hug to her and it is beyond comforting. Jamie relaxes into this unfamiliar place, glad he chose to put a pillow there as he tries not to think that much about what is happening. Jesus.
They lay there for a while, eyes open, in silence. Their hands are still joined together and Jamie runs a thumb back and forth over them. She wants so badly to cry again, full on ugly tears. Instead her eyes just water as she tries to contain the love and appreciation she has for them. Her heart starts beating faster the more her mind wanders. She wonders if he can feel it beat near their hands.
"Jamie-" she opens her mouth. Shit, what am I doing?
"Yeah?"
"Can I say something?"
Fuck. Both of them think to themselves.
"Of course."
She takes a deep breath, swallows her pride, and goes for it.
"I really love you."
He gently stirs, not believing those words actually came out of her mouth.
She freezes and starts to regret it.
"I do too. I have for a long time." Well, here we go again.
She smiles and he eyes water even more, but no tears fall.
Release.
She turns over in his arms, letting go of his hands and folding her elbows to rest her chin on them against the pillow, looking up at him. Her feet brush against his. He looks down at her. They both wait for the other to make the next move.
"You ever think about how life is really short?"
He nods. Swallows. Then answers.
"Each and every day since Joe died."
She nods back.
"Why aren't we giving this a shot?"
"I do not know."
"I just never want to lose you, Jamie, you mean the world to me." She starts to tear up.
"Eddie, look at me." His thumb brushes a tear away from her cheek and his hand remains there.
"I know. I feel the same way. I can't form the words…" He pauses. "You know one of us will be promoted very soon."
"If not both."
"Why don't we go for it?"
She raises her head off her elbows, almost eye level with him.
"As long as you feel the same way I do…"
"Just between us. Things can and will change very soon. Life is short. I am in if you are. And I am pretty sure we are on the same page here and have been for a very long time but if you-"
Without warning she cuts him off with her mouth, and all thoughts of drinking the scotch off his lips come back in an avalanche of emotion. He sits up and leans into her energy, so they both are upright. Her legs which were previously stretched out behind her as she laid on her stomach next to his are now subconsciously draping over the front of his hips.
Her left hand moves to the back of his head and she caresses his hair. Her right is locked on his right cheek. He has both hands wrapped around and locked together in the small of her back. Just like last time. He mentally wonders what to do with his hands again, this means to much to him to make the wrong move too quickly.
She breaks first, allowing his tongue to gently sweep over her lips as she gasps a breath of air in. She can still feel the burn of his drink on her lips but it has been overtaken by the feelings overwhelming her brain. Jamie's finally relaxes himself enough to release his hands and slide down Eddie's back, lower and lower till they land on the base of her hips and he feels the crease of her yoga pants. He forgot about those. And he thanks a higher power for that pillow, again, although he has a feeling it won't matter much longer.
She opens her mouth again to take a breath and he takes advantage of her compromised state and slides his hands even lower, till he is holding onto her ass. He grabs there and gently lifts, leaning his body weight over hers and resting her on her back on the other side of the couch. He finds a spot on her neck. It's warm and she smells really good. She lets a moan slip from her lips before she realizes. Fuck. He already found the spot to drive her out of her mind. She doesn't seem surprised though, after all he does know her better than any other person, even herself.
"Jamie-" she manages to get out.
He raises his head and looks her in the eyes. She doesn't have to say it. He knows.
He sits up, stands, and grabs both of her hands, raising her to his feet. She turns the TV off as she puts the leftover pizza in the fridge, both with shaky hands and deep breaths. When they meet again they are in the hallway, and he closes her in, back against the wall. His hands fall underneath her maroon long sleeve shirt and white tank top and she shivers at his touch as he runs them up and down. His lips fall down to hers once again. And he can't help but think about how this is just the beginning. She is still on the verge of tears, but she needs this. And he does too. Nor do they ever see regretting this night. Ever.
Jamie's hands drop lower over her ass and he gently squeezes and bends his knees. She knows. Eddie pushes off of her heels and her legs encircle his waist oh so naturally, her ankles locked together. He starts to walk backwards towards her bedroom as if they have done this endless times. And in the process he manages to get both her shirts off.
When he reaches the door and shuts it behind them, he throws her up against it as he dives in. Hot, wet kisses return to that spot on her neck and lower, till he is at her bra. She cannot hold herself up anymore and her legs drop to the floor.
"You are so fucking beautiful."
She pulls his mouth off of her long enough to get his shirt over his head. And suddenly she can't breathe again. She has seen him shirtless before, but never felt him. The warmth of his skin against hers is going to be enough to push her over the edge if nothing changes soon. Her hands wander from his chest down to the front of his pants, and she undoes his belt buckle. When she gets down to the button on his jeans he grabs her wrists and walks her backwards, till the back of her knees hit her mattress.
He lets her go as she lays down at the edge of the bed as he follows above her, their feet still on the floor.
"Roll over." She tells him, and he is so turned on at her telling him what to do.
He lands on the bed and walks himself back on his hands, just enough to rest his legs up off the ground, enough so that when she swings a leg and rests over his thighs, it's more than comfortable. It's just then Jamie realizes how hard he is, and how obvious it is. His self-consciousness quickly disappears at the feel of her against him. He can feel her right through the thin material, and he realizes that if she moves at all this is going to be over before it even starts.
"Eddie-" he spits out and like everything else, she knows. She knows alright, she can feel everything. But they both have an unspoken understanding that they are not going to last long. She knows she is just about dripping through her pants, and she hopes he felt it. They have time to explore, later, right now is about years and years of pent up frustration barreling towards an edge in these moments. Right now they cannot think of anything else but how bad they need this, how bad they need each other. Everything else be damned.
In order to move things along, Eddie does the honors of reaching behind her and undoing her navy blue bra. She throws it to the side as he reaches up to the bun he did for her earlier and lets her hair fall down her shoulders before replacing the hair tie to the same wrist. She takes a mental note and her stomach flips even more at the care he has for her.
She jumps off of him and lands on her back. He stands, and takes a moment to look at her. Confused, she sits up and looks at him.
"Reagan what are you doing, come here."
He takes his right hands and sweeps it over his jaw and takes her in.
"I don't think I can handle this." He smiles and presses his lips together, whistling.
"Shut the fuck up and take my pants off."
They smile at each other. Nope, definitely not gonna last long.
He peels the pants off of her legs, admiring her body, before taking his off as he is standing. He leans over her, eyes locked, as they both move slowly closer to the pillows. Eddie runs her hands down his back and loops her thumbs around his boxers before pushing them down his thighs and onto the floor. He does the same for her, as she raises her hips for him to remove the last bit of clothing between them. As he readjusts over her, she feels how ready he is and she can't breathe. She reaches down into the dresser drawer and grabs a condom to hand to him.
As he readies himself she lays there. There is no doubt she is ready, but suddenly she is nervous. This moment has been playing in her head forever and she doesn't want to screw it up. He comes closer to her once again and gives her a quick peck on the lips before resting his forehead against hers. He is just as nervous as her. Jamie catches a glimpse of Eddie's necklace in the moonlight though the windows and he reaches down and feels it between his fingers. She looks up at him waiting for him to make his move.
He looks down at her, necklace still fiddling between his fingers. "You ready?"
"Oh yeah."
"You just as nervous as I am?"
"Yep. Not sure why."
"Me neither."
"Jamie-"
"Yeah?"
"Can you please get inside of me before I lose it, we've waited long enough…"
"Don't have to tell me twice. Let me know when…"
"I will," she knows what he is saying, she always does, and always will. "I love you."
With that, he leans into the spot on her neck and suckles, before taking brushing her lips as he rests his weight on one hand. With the other he reaches between them, brushing light circles against her stomach. She thinks she might explode as his fingertips ignite her skin. Just when she thinks it cannot get more intense, his fingers are slipping lower and her legs part as he touches her. Her breath hitches. Jesus Christ.
She has no control of her body anymore. One sweep of his fingers and that's all the confirmation he needs to know she is beyond ready for him. And who is he kidding, that's all he can handle at this point. He gives her one more kiss on the lips and looks into her eyes.
"Look at me."
His left hand holds onto her hip as he looks down. His other hand guides himself to her, and that's all he needs. Suddenly they are both telling themselves I can't believe this is happening. She opens her hips wider for him as he goes deeper and then stills. Their eyes remain locked on each other but their mouths gasp with airy whimpers. He needs he to let him know it's okay, and she gives it to him with a slight nod and hands sliding down his back to guide him along.
He starts to move and Eddie moans and wraps her legs around the back of his. When Jamie hers the first sound of her relaxing into the unrelenting pressure he has to take himself to a different place. He has imagined that for so long that if he fully appreciates the moment he might be a goner way too soon. Coming from her, it's everything he has ever imagined.
The feeling is mutual on her end as she feels him fill her. He is making her feel things no one else ever has. She can't control the sounds coming from her mouth as she feels his stomach brush against hers and his head drop to her shoulder. God, if he finds that spot with his mouth again-
"Fuck Jamie, oh my god,"
Annnd its official. Jamie Reagan is screwed.
Spoiled for life.
He snaps back into it when he hears her gasping and moaning a little higher pitched. She starts running her nails up and down his back, hard. He is surprised how much that turns him on. Then he realizes what is about to happen.
He lifts his head and looks at her, head back eyes closed, gasping for air. "You close?" He asks.
If she wasn't about to black out she would backhand him in the chest with a "no shit, boy scout" but instead she manages a throaty "yes…"
That's about all it takes to push him even closer to the end and he knows he has to get her there before him. From the looks of it, it doesn't look that far away for her either. So he angles up a bit, giving her all she needs from him.
"Oh my god do that again," she spits out.
The feeling of his breaths against her shoulder as he tucks his head and moves kills her. His short and impatient grunts and moans threaten to undo her at any moment, but she hangs on. She can't believe this is happening, that it's really him- them. He keeps going, harder, and his thrusts pick up speed as they both gets closer. When he knows it's time, he picks his head up and looks down at her and says,
"Hey, you ready?" Before be even finishes the question she is nodding.
He picks up the pace. As he does he put a finger in his mouth, and then his hands disappears between them. He kisses her fiercely to distract her from what he about to do, but she knows. And just as he is about to touch her she rips her mouth from his in preparation. He swipes a finger around her clit and she blows apart with fuckJamie over and over again. She is completely lost in her orgasm but aware enough to feel him drop his head to the crook of her neck and let out some not-so-Catholic sayings. She feels him let go.
Release.
He collapses on her chest and links the fingers on one of their hands together before kissing her deeply. They stay there for a moment.
"Stay with me." She whispers through the still of the dark.
"Always."