Author's notes: Just a funny I had the idea for when I couldn't sleep this morning. This is set before the Quincy invasions, so round about the point at which the anime ends. I hope you get some laughs out of it! :)

To my squad,

It has come to my attention that there are currently certain inefficiencies in implementing the Fourth Division duties due to poor inter-division liaison resulting in a plethora of miscommunication. I am fully aware that the sort of recruits this division receives is commonly of a more socially-awkward disposition, that perhaps don't find it so intuitive to pick up on differing etiquette in different divisions, resulting in our work taking twice the time it ought to, or more, which is unacceptable. Therefore, please find attached a list of guidelines to use in situations involving members of other divisions when you are unsure of what actions to take.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

- Captain Unohana

P.S. Sunday's flower-arranging session is to take place as normal. Please feel free to bring your own cakes; it is nice to have a variety, and Lieutenant Kusajishi has expressed her intention to attend, so I fear I alone may not be capable of bringing enough for everybody.

DIVISION 1

The first division is generally one of the easier divisions to cater for. They tend to do as they're told, and they have the good sense enough to understand that we are better-equipped to deal with medical problems than they are. Therefore, they usually make easy patients. You should not have any trouble with this lot; if they behave in any less than an ideal fashion, you should be able to restore your authority by making it very clear to the patient that you are reporting directly on their care to Captain-Commander Yamamoto or Lieutenant Sasakibe.

DIVISION 2

This is another comparatively easy division to deal with. As a squad of ninja, these Soul Reapers are habitually quiet, so they are guaranteed not to disturb other patients by being unnecessarily noisy. They are also one of the least likely divisions to complain about their treatment; ninja are familiar with concealing themselves in less-than-ideal surroundings, as it is simply part of their job. Again, threatening to report directly to Captain Soi-Fon is a good way to ensure your authority - she is not known for being kind to her subordinates, so this works nicely as a threat, even though Captain Soi-Fon would likely respond to any report with disdain or even outright contempt, so, honestly, if you actually approach her, you deserve to be rebuked for your foolishness.

DIVISION 3

This can be a bit of a tricky division to deal with. The traitor Gin Ichimaru may have left us two years ago, but the juvenile attitude and "trickster" mentality is lingering for rather longer than I would have hoped. As such, if you find yourself the victim of a patient's pranks, please report the issue directly to myself so that I may make further decisions regarding the treatment, comfort and privileges of the patient in question.

You will be pleased to note that I have recently had words with Captain Ootoribashi and we are in agreement that the historic behaviour of his division is unacceptable, and that pranks are not a suitable expression of creativity. Therefore, I am hopeful that this behaviour should not be a problem in the future.

DIVISION 4

When treating members of your own division, ordinary ranking etiquette applies, but if you are treating a superior, do remember that although it is important to recognise authority, a person is unable to make unclouded judgements on their own treatment, and as such, you are the authority on their treatment, so do not be afraid to exert yourself to a degree in a respectful manner. If a superior being treated on is in disagreement with your judgements, bring in somebody higher-ranked than they are to give a second-opinion, and follow their judgement. I would remind you all that I will not stand for petty squabbles, and I would hate to have to discipline you, so work things out nicely among yourselves. If it is completely necessary, I am often available to settle disputes and make final decisions, but I would rather not be required to.

DIVISION 5

This division is noted for its higher-than-average intelligence. This has its positives and negatives; while these Soul Reapers are more likely to accept their treatment without complaint, they are also naturally curious and more likely to waste precious Squad 4 time by asking a barrage of unnecessary questions about the procedures. If it is necessary, don't be afraid of tranquillising the Soul Reaper in question; I can always reclaim the cost of the anaesthetic in expenses from Captain Hirako. Always remember: a sleeping patient is more cooperative than an alert one. Also, it is a good idea to make sure that the Fifth Division patients have access to a book; it ensures their taciturnity in situations when it would be unfavourable for them to be unconscious, such as before a medical examination.

If Captain Hirako is infirm and requests jazz music, kindly remind him that the last jazz record he attempted to smuggle into our barracks was recovered in tiny pieces from Captain Kuchiki's koi pond three months later, when Captain Hirako had finally recovered from that fractured wrist he was seeking treatment for in the first place. Sturm und drang, however, as my favourite musical period, is entirely acceptable. Ragtime is strictly prohibited.

DIVISION 6

The Sixth Division is a proud one, and I am aware from much experience that they can make finicky patients. If a member of this squad makes unreasonable demands, please ignore them, even if they are higher-ranked than you are. In the Fourth Division, you are in charge, and if another division member does not recognise this, certain privileges may be withheld in order that they might get over their extreme sense of pride. Recommended courses of action are to restrict them to their bed with a bedpan, or, for extreme infractions, a catheter may be considered, even if their particular treatment does not deem it strictly necessary.

DIVISION 7

This division appreciates hard work, which means that they understand the effort we put into their treatment and will go along with it. Captain Komamura truly has done an exceptional job with his squad. Having said that, dealing with Seventh Division injuries can be particularly resource-intensive as their officers tend to have higher testosterone levels than average, resulting in a large number of minor accidents. However, these injuries do not take an excessive amount of time to treat, the division members are generally considerate of other patients, and Captain Komamura is good for reimbursing our excess expenditure, so I am not overly concerned by this.

Please note that treating Captain Komamura himself is only to be endeavoured by those who have passed the optional veterinary module of Fourth Division training.

DIVISION 8

Potentially problematic. The Eighth Division is notorious for providing our largest proportion of injuries sustained under the influence of alcohol. In such a situation, reporting misdemeanours to the relevant division Captain would ordinarily be the most appropriate course of action, except for the fact that Captain Kyoraku himself is the most persistent offender in this case. As such, file an incident report for each occurrence, report on them to myself or Lieutenant Kotetsu so that we might correctly balance the Fourth Division expenses sheet, and make a carbon copy for incidents involving Captain Kyoraku to be passed on to Lieutenant Ise.

Ladies, if you find yourself at the end of any inappropriate advances from a Squad 8 member, please feel free to tranquillise the offending party, even if the tranquillisers are incompatible with ethanol. They ought to think about that before they waste Fourth Division time attempting to flirt with their caregivers.

DIVISION 9

I have been informed that this can be an intimidating-appearing division if you're unfamiliar with their ways; it does not help that the Captain seemingly has no indoor-voice and a permanent scowl, one Lieutenant has an obscene tattoo on his face, and the other Lieutenant is prone to throwing temper tantrums and kicking everybody who touches her. In short; the Ninth Division is undisciplined because they have no real examples to follow. Fortunately, problems may be dealt with by reporting them to myself - I have a column in their publication in which I inform the Seireitei of the general goings-on in our division, and the individual state of every seated officer under our care. Nobody from the Ninth Division has ever made a single edit to one of my articles, and I would suggest that they are unlikely to start censoring in the future.

DIVISION 10

One of the least objectionable divisions. This one is pleasant and dutiful, so they concede to our care, although they have been known to disturb other patients with their over-friendliness and drunken accidents are not unheard of, particularly involving Lieutenant Matsumoto. However, Captain Hitsugaya is good at reimbursing excess expenditure. Perhaps the largest inconvenience you are likely to suffer is filing an incident report with Captain Hitsugaya for every single treatment involving his division, which he insists upon.

Please note that treating Captain Hitsugaya is only to be endeavoured by those who have passed the optional paediatrics module of Fourth Division training. In addition, it is unwise to use the term "paediatrics" around the young Captain, so please be subtle.

DIVISION 11

Largely a division of brutes and thugs. These Soul Reapers have an history of bullying Fourth Division members, which should be reported straight to myself as I regard this to be completely unacceptable. Eleventh Division members are frequent visitors of our barracks as they are unable to resist a fight; it is important that we give them the best care possible as they are one of the Soul Society's most useful resources, but in the case of an infraction, however trivial, privileges ought to be withheld.

The treatment of Lieutenant Kusajishi is to be left to me, or, if I am not available, a fourth division member who has passed the optional paediatrics module of Fourth Division training. Captain Zaraki is my responsibility alone; if I am not available, nobody is to treat him, however close he may be to death. It is what he would want.

DIVISION 12

A particularly troublesome division. The Twelfth is overly concerned with knowing everything, and, as such, are another squad likely to ask endless questions about their treatment, to which tranquillisers are again recommended. This division's treatment may be complicated by body modifications, some of which may alter their fundamental biological processes. In this case, you are to act as though such modifications had not been made in the first place; if a division is going to recklessly interfere with nature, they should be prepared to accept the consequences.

DIVISION 13

Perhaps the least predictable of the thirteen divisions. Its officers are perfectly pleasant, although the frequent absence of Captain Ukitake and the inexperience of Lieutenant Kuchiki has resulted in a certain lack of discipline among the ranks. When in doubt, tranquillise them, or confiscate their pillows.

Captain Ukitake is a frequent visitor of our barracks due to a particular underlying health problem. Only myself and Lieutenant Kotetsu are qualified to deal with said complicated problem, so please direct the patient directly to our offices should he stop by.

MISCELLANEOUS

In addition to the Thirteen Court Guard Squads, there are a small number of Soul Society allies you may be required to care for in the future.

Ichigo Kurosaki is an hero and possibly one of the most important people in the universe and must be treated as such, but it is also important to note that the boy is a moron. Do not attempt to answer his questions, as doing so will inevitably trigger even more questions to the point that you will end up wasting all day on his inanity. Should you encounter any problems with him, please come directly to me about it, or tell him that Captain Zaraki wishes to pay him a visit. This should shut him up. It should go without saying, but comparing Mr. Kurosaki to the late Lieutenant Shiba to his face is absolutely forbidden.

Yasutora Sado is a model patient, according to Lieutenant Kotetsu, who was responsible for his care in the wake of the Sousuke Aizen incident, and you should have no trouble whatsoever with him.

Orihime Inoue is an unusual case in that she has infallible healing abilities herself. Should you ever find yourself treating Miss Inoue, don't rush; take the time to befriend her, and when you finally get around to healing her, do gently encourage her to stick around afterwards and assist the Fourth Division.

Uryu Ishida is a Quincy, a clan the Soul Society has historically had problems with. Be wary of him. I have conversed with Miss Inoue, who assures me that Mr. Ishida is fundamentally good, and as such I have no qualms about treating him to the best of our abilities as things stand, but should the situation change in regards to the status of the Quincies, I might have to review this decision.