"Tom will you please talk to me? You're acting weird, and I didn't understand why you are!" I pleaded, trying to concentrate on driving us home while trying to talk to Tom at the same time. To say he was acting off was an understatement, he was acting like he wasn't even himself. He was barely talking, barely eating, barely even leaving his room, except when we needed him to come out and do band stuff. "I'm fine Danny, quit asking me whats wrong, nothing is wrong." Tom growled, defensive to everything I said. "you're not okay, there is something wrong! You barely talk, you barely eat, you're not yourself, whats wrong?" I looked at him out the corner of my eye, seeing him curl up into a ball on the seat next to me, looking so... broken, he really wasn't himself right now.
"I just said there's nothing wrong! Will you stop asking me whats wrong?! There's nothing wrong with me! Leave me the hell alone!" Tom nearly shouted, louder than I'd ever heard him shout before. "you're not! Please Tom, just tell me. Are you stressed out cause of the new album? Cause we're all stressed out cause we're never in one spot for more than two minutes. Its okay to be stressed out over it." I started guessing. "its not the album." Tom mumbled, but didn't say anything else. "well then what? Is it what all the press are saying about you? Cause you're not fat or anything mate, they're being lying assholes." I asked, thinking desperately of what else could possibly be wrong with Tom right now.
"stop trying to guess whats wrong with me Danny! Its none of your bloody business!" Tom hissed, well that struck a nerve. "as your band mate and best friend, I think it is. Is what the press are saying about you getting to you?" I stood my ground. "no! Nothing is getting to me! I'm not stressed or whatever crap you think is wrong with me! I'm fine get that into your head!" Tom shouted again, only making me more worried about him. He really wasn't okay right now. He was so unlike himself, so angry, so defensive everything I said to him. Tom had always kept his emotions to himself, and hadn't ever been keen on talking about himself. He'd always been on guard with himself, protecting himself from ridicule, but this was extreme. Over the past couple of years he'd loosened up around me, Harry and Dougie, let himself be who he was without covering up. But now, now he wasn't himself at all, he was even more guarded, he literally was not able to even have a conversation with us unless we were on camera. While on camera, Tom was his usual self, but as soon as we were alone he was so defensive and angry, I didn't understand how that happened. I just wanted to understand.
"Tom come on, you're not yourself, we all know it, whats going on with you? Is it because of the press and the album?" I wracked my brain for another reason, remembering something Carrie had mentioned a few weeks ago when she'd been round, "is it because your parents are splitting up? Cause its tough, I know. I've been there myself, I'm going through the same thing now. It hurts like hell, and none of us will blame you for stressing out over that, me and Dougie have been there with it." Carrie had said that their parents were getting divorced, she hadn't said why, but she had said that they were getting divorced and Tom was taking it hard.
"who the hell told you about that?!" Tom hissed, and I realised that he hadn't actually told us about this. None of us were supposed to know. "Carrie was talking about it the other day. Sorry if you wanted to keep it a secret, but you can talk about it if you need to. Doug has been there, I'm going through the same thing right now, its horrible, and so confusing, hearing about whats going on and not being able to stop it or help at all. But we're all here for you if you need to talk about it, we're probably quite well qualified to talk about it really." I glanced over at him, seeing tears well up in his eyes. "you have no idea how hard this is, no clue, don't try to tell me you understand the feeling of knowing you broke up your parents." Tom growled out again through clenched teeth... he what? "you didn't cause your parents to break up Tom, why'd you think that?" I was finally getting somewhere, Tom was blaming himself for it, but why?
Tom refused to answer me after that, holing himself up and refusing to talk about it. "Tom you didn't cause it, they caused it, you've been a perfect son to them, its not your fault. You have to know that. How could you possibly think that you caused it?" I pushed him and pushed him, getting nowhere. "please Tom, tell me. Its me, you can talk to me, why are you blaming yourself? Is it because of what the press are saying? Cause like I said earlier, they're being lying assholes, and no matter how 'fat' you get, they wouldn't divorce over it." I tried, putting air commas around 'fat' because Tom was not fat in any way, he was chubby, yes. But I always saw it as him having more to hug and love.
"shut up! Just shut up! Stop trying to understand me. Stop invading on me! Just quit it!" Tom shouted, the tears falling rapidly down his face. "Tom no you're hurting, I hate to see you hurting like this. Tell me whats going on." I pleaded, pulling over so I could turn to him and give him my full attention, "why do you feel like its your fault your parents got divorced?" I asked as calmly as I could, putting my hand on his leg, trying to trace patterns over it. "get off me! It doesn't matter, just leave me alone!" Tom pulled back, shoving me out of the way and rushing out of the car. "it does matter! You're in pain, and that matters! Talk to me Tom, I care about you." Oh if only he knew how much I cared about him. I was so in love with him it physically hurt me to see him like this, and to think he was blaming himself for what his parents were doing, it was torture, seeing how badly it was effecting him. He didn't even want to show his face anymore, out of guilt, he couldn't even look at anyone anymore.
"shut up Danny! Leave me alone okay? Leave me alone!" Tom shoved me away again as I came close. "Tom please, you're in pain, talk to me, let it out. Get back in the car with me and we'll talk about this, just the two of us, I promise to not tell anyone else." I tried again, holding onto his arm to gently pull him towards the car again. "no! I'm not talking about it! Stop trying to get into my private life! I'm fine, I don't want to talk about it with anyone!" Tom pushed my away again, looking like he was in so much pain, it physically hurt me to see it. "but Tom-" I got cut off before I could finish my sentence.
"no, stop talking to me! I'm not talking about this crap to anyone, its my problems and my problems only! Leave me alone! I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to be hugged and told it'll get better or anything! I want to be alone!" Tom cried, his whole body shaking madly. "okay, okay I'll let it go. Just get back in the car, I'll drive you home and you can be alone, if thats what you want." I gave in to his shouting, promising myself I'd try again at a later date, after talking to Carrie again, so I could get a better idea of what was going on with their parents. "no, I'm walking home, I want to be alone." Tom turned away, stumbling a few steps before I caught him again. He was weaker than I thought. "Tom, you're weak, let me drive you home before you collapse." I whispered, hating how weak he was, how pale his skin was, and just how lifeless his eyes were at the moment.
"I'm not weak! Don't you dare call me weak! I'm stronger than you, and most importantly, I'm fine. I just want to be alone, now drive home and let me walk!" Tom shoved me away again, anger flashing in his eyes before he ran off. I let him, thinking it would be better if I let him run off, give him his alone time, so he could cool off. But not forever, we were talking about this, at some point, we were talking about this. I refused to let him get away with being like this, I cared too much for him.
But every time I tried, I got pushed away, we all did, none of us could get Tom to even look at us, let alone get him talking about anything. He now only left his room when we had band stuff, and he didn't talk to us on our journeys, barely even smiling on camera anymore. And then one day, there were boxes by the front door in the morning. Boxes filled with Tom's stuff, and he was loading them into his car.
"Tom, what are you doing? Where are you going?" I stopped him in the doorway, grabbing him to look at me. "I'm leaving, what does it look like I'm doing?" Tom shoved me off him for the 100th time. "what? Leaving where? Where are you going? You're not leaving the band, are you?" I paled at the thought, this band was our lives, we were making it, we had just gotten our second number one album, he couldn't be quitting now, could he? Not when we'd worked so hard, promised to never quit. "I'm not leaving the band, no. I just need space. I need to breathe, I'm moving out." Tom explained, picking up the last box, packing it away in his car. "Tom please, think about this. You're making a mistake." I pleaded with him, wanting to cry. I didn't want Tom to leave, I wanted Tom right here with us, I didn't want him to leave, not when we could help him. I was sure we could help him, if he just let us, we could fix this.
"I'm not. I need my own space. I need to be by myself for a while, and I need to look after Carrie now. I need to move out, I'm sorry, I need this." Tom explained, saying he was sorry for his behaviour for the first time in a long time. "please Tom, think about this. This isn't right, you're not thinking straight. Why do you need to look after Carrie, why do you need your own space? Talk to me." I repeated myself again, having had similar conversations for weeks on end with him every time he left his room. "it doesn't matter, I'm making things right, just leave me be now Danny. I need to get out of here, so I'm leaving. Bye Danny." Tom got in his car and drove off, I ran to the end of the drive way, watching his car drive away from the house we'd shared for three years, feeling so powerless as to what to do to help him out.