She wondered if they could see it. Perhaps they cared too much to see.
It was twitches in her fingers, sharp intakes of breath, the circles under her eyes, the heat that never seemed to leave her palms, the strands of white twisting there way through her hair. They didn't want to see.
She still had good days, days when the voices weren't quite as loud or persistent. Days she could smile with her hand on her swollen stomach, could kiss Squall with out fear of wanting too much. Days when she could chat with Quistis and enjoy an afternoon with Selphie on the beach as her red headed goddaughter played in the waves.
She knew how important those good days were. She knew they would be last and she prayed they'd last the last four months.
She stretched those days as long as they would go, memorizing everything and cherishing it with her whole being. Irvine's stupid jokes, Selphie's girly giggle, Zell's random outbursts, Quistis' soft smile, Seifer's wide grin and all of Squall from his new found, breath taking smile and the pride in his eyes to the way he walks and the small inflections of his voice.
She prays he can raise a child on his own, but then remembers they have a family to help.
Her stomach grows and it gets harder to focus. She feels her mind slipping slowly away from her. The voices call violently over ages, trying to reclaim what they once had or conquer something they haven't yet had. They tear at her. She fears that someday she will be one of those voices in someone else's head, trying so desperately to snatch what was once hers. She fears that is all that will remain of her and that all the memorizing is in vain.
She prays that her child is a son. The pain of passing her curse onto her own daughter is one she cannot bear. She pushes it from her mind when she can.
All of her focus on the bad days goes to hiding her suffering. She doesn't want to mar these last months with their worry. She also doesn't want to hurt anyone, especially her unborn child. The power itches below her skin. It pulses, seeking a way out. It seems to grow indefinitely and she fears the time will come too soon when she can no longer contain all of it within herself. When she feels it, she imagines a brunette boy with blue eyes standing beside his father, healthy and happy.
She puts together a box of keepsakes and letters. Mostly they are for her son but she hopes they will bring comfort to all of them. She puts in pictures and articles, letters she has written to them all and a video. On one of those precious last visits, she shoves the box into Selphie's closet. They'll find it by Christmas.
She takes to walking each evening as the sunsets. Summer is her favorite season. She is thankful that her last months are during summer. She counts each breeze as a small gift. Some nights Squall walks with her. They walk in silence hands intertwined. He always smiles. She wonders if deep down he senses how important each smile is to her on these days.
She is so happy for the baby shower. It is most likely going to be the last time they are all together when she is sane enough to treasure it. She opens each gift slowly. They are all impatient but she is savoring the moments. She thanks them sincerely, hoping that somehow she is thanking them for everything and not just the gifts, for their friendships and for the help she knows they will give to Squall. There is cake and punch. She convinces them to all sing with her and she enjoys the moment.
They talk about the old times and the future. When she begins to cry she blames it on the hormones and extends her excuse to allow herself this last chance to tell them all how much she loves them. They all hug and she knows that this is the night she has dreaded.
She has to make him promise to destroy her. As soon as their baby is safe, she must be destroyed before she destroys. It will preserve her innocence she pleads. It will bring her relief. It is what she wants and he promised years ago that he would be the one.
He argues with her all night. Then he cries because he knows there is no other way. She pulls him close, and they cry together for a moment. Then she asks that they try to forget for the last few weeks. They kiss. It is like the first and the last time all at once. They sleep in each other's arms.
She is ready and so is the baby. He holds her hand as she steps out of the house and then the yard, towards the car. The voices are quite but she knows that they are just waiting and soon they will rebound ten fold. At first she watches the world woosh past her outside the car window but then she watches him as he drives. She hopes she will be able to see her child with unclouded eyes just once before her mind is lost to the madness.