Sonic the Comedy. The only fanfiction that does NOT resort to sexual fantasies to create literary comedy.
It was the first of July. At least it looked like it was. Sonic raised his hands to cover his eyes from the blinding light of morning. As the drowsiness subsided, Sonic looked about him. He was surrounded by several empty beer cans and puddles of piss. In Sonic's mind there were only two possibilities for this scenario. Either multiple drunken hobos had taken Sonic to be a toilet overnight, or the subtitle of this fanfiction is brutally false. A note left on his shoes confirmed the latter. On it was written: "Call me: Britanny. 1-800-435-3546"
Sonic wasn't going to sit around and ponder the previous day. He was up and off, as Eggman was sure to be up to no good. Eggman always had a deviously improbable plan up his sleeve at any given moment. There was this one time at Tails's birthday that Eggman disguised himself as a sexy hooker. It was a cartoon zip up costume, which means it retains its shape regardless of how mercilessly fat whoever is inside it may be. Anyway, Eggman showed up dressed that way, had everyone fooled, and had everyone quite erotic. It wasn't until Tails offered himself upon the disguised Eggman that he revealed himself. Tails never likes to speak of this day.
On Sonic's 21st birthday, Sonic got so hammered drunk that Eggman wouldn't have even needed to dress as his polar opposite to get to Sonic. Sonic ended up losing his shoes and forced every named character in the Sonic franchise to search the furthest regions of the planet (Earth, Mobius, whichever planet they'd been polluting that week) , only to find that the shoes had been taken by a hobo. Sonic took them back, of course, which may actually explain the night before. No, it couldn't be. There's no homeless women, and what kind of whore would name their son Britanny?
Sonic was still on his way to find Eggman when he stumbled upon Knuckles, whose knuckles were dragging in the dirt. Sonic decided to inquire on Knuckles' moping.
"Knuckles, why are your Knuckles dragging?" Sonic inquired.
"I'm really sad today," Knuckles insisted. "I've lost my brass knuckles."
Knuckles always carries his brass knuckles on his knuckles. If Knuckles' knuckles were dragging around in the dirt all day, no wonder Knuckles' brass knuckles would be lost. Sonic's thought process was soon eviscerated by Knuckles. Knuckles started screaming like Chewbacca. Knuckles had spotted his brass knuckles upon the knuckles of Knuckles' old adversary Black Knuckles, who was a poorly recolored version of Knuckles. Black Knuckles spotted Knuckles, and they both raised their Knuckles.
"You'll never get these brass knuckles back, Knuckles!" Black Knuckles cackled.
"Sonic, you have to help me retrieve my brass knuckles! They're my only family!" Knuckles begged.
"I thought Female Knuckles was your family, though," Sonic questioned. Female Knuckles was a poorly recolored version of Knuckles wearing a dress.
"Really? I thought Female Knuckles only existed to provide comedy relief throughout this story?" Knuckles queried.
"Well, Female Knuckles has yet to appear so far, so if that is Female Knuckles' job, he's doing a terrible job," Sonic suggested.
"Wait, Female Knuckles is a man?" Knuckles gasped.
"Knuckles, shush! That's supposed to be a major plot point!" Sonic bellowed.
"Oh, sorry. I forgot to read over the script again," Knuckles moaned.
The two turned around to find Black Knuckles gone. Throughout all of the dialogue, Black Knuckles was able to escape without any resistance. Unfortunately for him, though, the fanfiction gods decided to write out Black Knuckles from the story forever. Now we'll follow Tails around, for literally no reason.
Tails was devastated. He could not find the mechanical device of which multiple locations in close proximity to said device may be plotted out in a sort of coordinate plane designed to resemble an itinerary calculator. Common folk called the device a GPS. Tails has never been able to visualize surviving as a common man. Such basicness, such patronization menial organisms put up with. For one with brilliance shining above all, one needn't fret over trivial circadian issues. Common man labored over lugubrious craftsmen in their fields. Never do they shut up. Just leave a man alone!
Through the insurmountably idiotic act of talking to one's self about how intelligent he or she is, Tails distracted himself from flying overtop an indiscriminately placed forest. Engaged in the said self-conversation, Tails spiraled directly into the forest. With his plane decimated, Tails had nowhere to turn. Given that cell phones are conspiratory tools of a corrupt government, Tails never joined the Sonic Team's T-Mobile plan. There never was a set justification for everyone assembling under the T-Mobile name, it kind of just happened. Regardless, Tails was still stranded, and no amount of GOP bashing was going to change that.
Time advanced mere nanoseconds when Tails observed Knuckles dragging his knuckles and Sonic literally running circles around him.
"Come on Knuckles, let's run! You know you want to! Gotta go fast!" Sonic droned on about running in this manner the entire time while Knuckles continued dragging his Knuckles. It wasn't until the two spotted Tails that Sonic quieted his meandering.
"Hey Tails, what's cracking?" Sonic screeched in a fashion resembling that of a teenager going through puberty.
"Only your voice," Tails retorted. "I crashed my plane nearby, and I'm severe need of plot relevance."
"Well we were just moments away from bringing down Eggman's latest evil scheme," Sonic quickly replied.
"Are we going there now?" Tails demanded.
"We can't now," Sonic shouted, "This part's gone on way too long. We need to split the story up into separate parts for the sake of anticipation on both sides of the literary spectrum."
And with that, Sonic resumed running circles around Knuckles, demanding the story be paused. We will compromise this only once. More story, however, will arrive at a later date.
BECAUSE COMEDY.