*This event is time consuming and unnecessary. Why can we not see the mate until later today?*
"It's a tradition, OK?" Jaime tried again to fix his bow tie in the dinky bathroom mirror. "It's good luck. And will you please stop calling her my mate?"
*She is your mate.* The Scarab said in Jaime's head. *We have engaged in sexual intercourse with the Wondergirl several dozen times over the last four years, three months and 9 days. And luck is a fallacy, Jaime Reyes.*
"Yeah, you've told me that before," he said as he undid the tie in his fifth attempt to do it right, "Qué diablos, this stupid thing is impossible."
*No, luck is impossible.*
"Quiet. Okay, one of the guys has to know how to do this," Jaime said, dashing out to hallway. No sooner had he closed the door behind him—
"Jaime!" Karen Beecher came around the corner wearing a royal blue cocktail dress.
"Karen, do you –"
"Have you seen the other bridesmaids?" She said frantic, "M'gann ran after Gar when we got out of the limo, Zee literally disappeared and the first time I turned my back on her, Barbara left too. That was 10 minutes ago."
*Sensors indicate the Batmaid and the Grayson are procreating in the closet. Shall I destroy them?*
"No," Jaime said to both of them, saving skin by adding, "I haven't seen any of them, Karen. Hey, do you know how to tie a bow tie?"
"Hm?" Karen said as she went through her phone clearly looking for the girls' numbers, "Oh not really, but I know Dick does. He was helping Conner earlier."
"Dick," Jaime sighed as Karen rushed off, "Of course."
He made a mad dash the other way, hoping to find someone to help him tie his stupid tie for him. You know, someone not busy having sex in a church.
*Jaime Reyes, the procreation closet is near the back entrance. Find the Grayson, have him help you with your pointless neck bondage and then eviscerate him and the Batmaid—*
"Ollie!" Jaime had never been quite as grateful to see Green Arrow. Because Ollie was also wearing a tux … and his tie looked immaculate.
"Reyes, how're you doing?" Ollie gave him a slap on the arm before looking him once over. "Let me guess," he said, "You need your tie tied, don't you?"
"Dios mio, how'd you know?"
"I've been to enough black tie events to know 'panic about formal wear' when I see it," he chuckled while he got to work.
"Thank you so much, Ollie."
"Not … a … problem, kiddo." He finished off the tie and smiled before looking over Jaime's shoulder. "Now if you don't mind, I need to take the arm of the second hottest woman at this shindig before she realizes she's too good for me," Ollie said as he ran over to Dinah, who was sporting a black over-one-shoulder number and bright red heels. Jamie had only a moment to sigh in relief at his tied tie before a blur came at him.
"Blue!" Bart shouted. "Dude, I've been looking all over for you. You're parents got here a couple minutes ago … they got the blue dye out of Milagro's hair finally."
"Menos mal," Jaime sighed with relief. With the tie debacle, he almost forgot about his sister and her late minute decision to change her hair and ruin his wedding.
"So that's the good news."
Jaime squinted. "And what is the bad news, Bart?"
His best man forced a grin and a chuckled. "Well, it's a funny story…" He opened up his suit jacket to reveal a white dress shirt … covered in orange dust.
Jaime groaned. "Bart … you didn't…"
"I got hungry! How was I supposed to know the Chicken Whizzees bag would explode when I opened it!"
"You're 20 years old, Bart – you should know how to open a bag! Lo juro por dios, what the heck are we going to do—"
"Relax, Blue," came a voice behind him, "I got you covered." And suddenly a slightly disheveled Barbara Gordon appeared out of freaking nowhere with a crispy white men's dress shirt.
"Wha—" Jaime gaped. "How…"
"I'm not the maid of honor for nothing," Barb smirked, "When you guys went for your fitting, I had Dick order an extra set for each groomsman … just in case something inevitably went wrong."
And with that, Jaime forgave Barbara for having sex on his wedding day. In the church.
"Bart," she pushed the shirt into the younger guy's clean hands, "Change. Now." The speedster zipped out of the room, only to be back a moment later with the shirt on, buttons buttoned and tie tied.
"Good," she adjusted Bart's tie (Bart smiling proudly back), "With that crisis averted, I'm going to go find Cassie. And you," she poked Jaime lightly in the chest, "Need to get in place so you don't see her early."
"Comeoncomeoncomeon!" Bart said as Barbara left down the hallway, "The rest of the guys are waiting up at the udder."
"Altar, Bart," he said, buttoning his jacket up, "It's called an altar."
"Well how the heck am I supposed to know that? From . The. Future."
"I'm just saying that Father Ricardo will probably not appreciate you asking everyone to gather at the udder." They opened the door to the Narthex.
*Also, the Hermano has been in our timeline for seven years now. He should know what an altar is.*
"Also, you've been here for seven years now," Jaime repeated. "You should know what an alter is."
But before Bart could answer, Jaime's mom come sprinting forward to hug and cry and hug Jaime some more.
"Mi hijo!" she continued to cry happy tears.
"Come on, novio," his dad came up, "Our son can't breathe." She finally released him, Bart offering to lead her to where she needed to come in. After a handshake and a hug from his dad (they had their big man talk the night before), Jaime made his way to the front of the church where the guests were already starting to get seated and the groomsmen were already standing. Well, most of them.
"Morning, everyone!" Dick Grayson said as he walked down the side aisle, putting on his tie as he went, "Are we all ready to go?"
Jaime glared at him.
"What?" Dick asked.
"You got a smudge there," Jaime said deadpanned, pointing to the corner of his leader's mouth where ruby red lipstick marked him.
"Oh," Dick said sheepishly, rubbing the spot with his hand and laughing.
*Are you sure we cannot vaporize him?*
"I'm seriously considering it," Jaime muttered under his breath.
"What was that?" Dick asked, but the music signaled the start of proceedings.
*Tell me, Jaime Reyes … * the Scarab said as the bridesmaids made their way down the main aisle (Barb beaming at Dick for a moment before looking back ahead) *Was all this chaos worth it for the sake of antiquated tradition?*
But then the doors opened and standing next to Professor Sandsmark was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.
"Yeah," Jaime sighed with a smile on his face, "totally worth it."