Title: Do Somethin'
Summary: Reno vowed to himself that he would never let Cloud get drunk again. ...Now all that was left was to find something that could effectively remove body glitter...
Warnings: Swearing, hookers, mention of drugs, drinking, improper use of household materials, implied het, OOCness, poor grammar and spelling, etc.
Disclaimer: I own jack shit. The inspiration and title come from Brittany Spears' "Do Somethin'." Very short one-shot.
He only meant to get the stubborn, little blonde to loosen up a bit and to stop being a depressing bitch. How was he to know that the little guy had such a low tolerance for hard liquors? It was not like he had really meant it when he suggested that they go to a sleazy strip club in the slums. Hell, he was even more surprised when the Chocobo-ass hair-styled kid agreed. When normal, un-mako-injected people get drunk, the slur, stumble, giggle, fight...
Not this freak show.
Hell, the kid just eagerly went along with whatever he suggested.
"Hey, Spike, ya wanna do body shots off of the strippers, yo?"
"Sure!"
"Chocobo-Head, ya wanna lap dance?"
"Sure!"
It was during the fucking lap dance that he took his eyes off of the drunk kid for a few goddamn minutes to get a refill on his scotch just to come back and find both the "hero" and the stripper gone. After his initial panic set in, and subsequently telling himself that the blonde was not his responsibility and that there was nothing to get so worked up about, the Turk began to interrogate the hardened strippers. The sudden scare sobered the redhead up considerably and helped him see that the undressing women were not nearly as attractive as he first thought.
Eventually finding out that the leader of Avalanche had gone into one of the backrooms with the stripper that was giving him a lap dance, the redheaded Turk hurried to the back, fearing the worst. If the large-titted bar bitch of his friend found at that he got the clap, among other things from the unsavory gals in the front, he was sure that he would no longer be able to fuck anything, er, anyone, ever again.
And that would be a terrible tragedy.
...For the women as well as himself, of course.
Throwing open the first door, the redhead recoiled at the sight of a matronly stripped bouncing up and down on a portly, balding man's dick. Gagging, the redhead jumped back, pulling the door shut behind him with a loud slam. If he was still drunk when he opened that, all of the alcohol had fled from his senses and sobered him up dryly. God, he could not even remember which stripper had run off with the complacent and perpetually saddened Chocobo-Ass.
...He was so fucked.
Swallowing dryly, the redheaded flung open the next door, recoiling at the sight of a stripper who obviously used meth on a daily basis giving some crack head a blowjob. Slamming the door shut as he practically fled the room, the redhead was praying to whatever god favored the little, blonde ex-Soldier that the blonde would be there when he opened the next door.
And it was once he saw what was in the room that he would have traded for the previous two rooms all over again.
On the plus side, he had found Cloud.
The fucking idiot was applying roll-on glitter to his underarms. Bright blue glitter already lined his throat and face while the stripper looked through her clothing. "Can you fit in a size six, sweetheart?" the woman rasped in noticeable smoker's voice as she pulled out a shimmering blue dress.
"Oh, hell no!" Reno shouted as he darted forward, grabbing the blonde by his wrist and pulling him off of the seat. "Listen, lady-"
"Sparkles."
"Precious, I'm sure," the redhead sneered as he headed to the door with a willing and practically oblivious blonde in tow. "Sparkles, I don't what the hell ya talked the kid into, yo."
"She didn't-" Cloud began to interject, quickly getting shushed by the Turk.
"Shut the fuck up, yo. We're gonna go. Whatever the fuck he paid you is WAY too much!"
With that, Reno all but ran out of the building, dragging the blonde behind him as he made it back to the blonde's shared bar with Tifa. Luckily for him, the brunette woman was sweet-talked into a date with Rude. With any more luck she would be spending the entire night with his bald partner, leaving them alone for the night.
Fuck, if only that meant that he would be getting laid for the night.
Taking the blonde back to the Seventh Heaven, Reno pulled the blonde upstairs before pushing him onto the bed. "You're a pain in the ass, yanno that, Blondie?" the Turk hissed before looking around for anything that could remove stripper glitter before the big-titted bitch of the bar would return. He knew from personal experience that simple soap and water would not remove the glitter so he had to get creative. "...Ya got any hair-removal wax, kid?"
"I've got candles," Cloud replied with a slight shrug of his shoulders.
"Close enough. What about them white cloth strips to remove hair?"
"Would duct tape work?"
"Ya bet!" Reno added enthusiastically, letting the shorter male run around to gather up the items. Sure, he could have just torn apart one of the kid's shirts...well, one that was not made of leather. But, this way the kid would learn not to go back with the strippers of the damned. Once the blonde had returned with the items, the redhead had every intention of making the drunk blonde suffer for his ruined night. Lighting the candle, the redhead figured that his plan of waxing the glitter off with candle wax and tape would fail...but that would be the fun of it. He could easily come up with a new plan once the baby blonde hairs were roughly removed.
Pained screams and maniacal laughter soon followed.
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