"Mmm, Jacob, yes," Bella muttered under her breath, shifting positions in Jacob's truck to give him better access to her neck.
"Bella," Jacob incoherently responded, the vibrations of his vocals causing Bella's breath to hitch.
Just then, a crash came down on the hood of Jacob's truck. The two occupants of the the vehicle gasped, shooting their heads forward. Before them stood Edward, his expression a mixture of anger and constipation.
"Bella, you ignorant slut," he exclaimed through gritted teeth.
"Edward, I thought you were at your bi-weekly Vegetarian Vampires Support Group," Bella said monotonically, awkwardly pushing a stray piece of hair behind her ear.
"Bella, I can't believe you would cheat on me. Much less with him."
Lol, thought Jacob. Then he ripped off his shirt because he'd gone almost five minutes without exposing his abs.
"Edward, please forgive me," Bella began boringly. "I was just exploring my confusing feelings for Jacob."
"I saved myself for you for 107 years! I will not have you gallivanting around with... with werewolves!"
In an instant, Edward ran to a nearby tree and ripped it out of the ground from its roots. He turned toward the werewolf's truck and, without hesitation, chucked the heavy tree toward the vehicle.
It hit Jacob. He died.
Bella scrunched her face up in worry, but didn't scream, because that would display too much emotion, and opened the car door nearest to her, hopping out.
She tried to run, but slipped and fell on her bottom, because she falls a lot.
Before Edward could make his way over to her, his arch enemy James ran by with a knife and decapitated his head.
Then Bella exploded from boringness.