Chapter 1
I started breathing when I was nine. That is, I was unattached from a ventilator when I reached the age of nine. My dad hated seeing me like that – he hated the stupid ventilator. He told me that it wasn't helping me; it was only killing me faster. He was wrong of course. Sometimes I wondered why he said that. Did my dad want me to stop using the ventilator and die? I found out at the age of twelve why he had. My dad was a schizophrenic. That explained a lot of the stuff that had happened in the past. It explained why he always spoke to and about people who didn't exist. It explained why he encouraged me and my brother to involve ourselves in dangerous things like drugs and drinking. It explained why my mum told me when I was six that she had better things to do than raise a family.
I have a song stuck in my head. It doesn't have lyrics but it should. It sounds perfect. But even perfection isn't perfect. Nothing's perfect. The notes sound amazing in contrast to each other. It's soft and sweet, it's angry and loud. It's blissful.
I can hear fingers drumming on the edge of a wooden table. The gentle cries of Starly outside my bedroom window. The thump of footsteps across the tiles of the kitchen floor. The breathing of every living thing in this house. Fingernails scratching against somebody's scalp. The jingle of keys at the front door. The screech of the door as it edges open. Somebody coughs. More scratching. Somebody sprays deodorant. More footsteps. A baby cries. Somebody's elbow brushes against the wall. I can hear it all. I can identify the person who does each of these. 18 people live in this house and I can tell the difference between each person's footsteps, breaths and coughs.
Footsteps head towards my room. I get up off my mini blue couch. It's my older brother, Krash. His footsteps are slow and heavy – as is his breathing. That's not like usual. His fingers scratch against his jeans. He slowly opens the door of my room. For a second, I think I can hear his heartbeat. I spring forward and wrap my arms around him. He is the only person I love. Krash hugs me back after a few seconds. Angry tears slide down my cheeks and his back. The song comes back into my head. This time it sounds fast and angry. The tempo has severely increased. I sense something bad is going to happen.
"I want to leave," Krash says blankly.
His voice sounds hollow. He smells tangy and a bit like grass after it's rained. He feels broken-down like he's lost hope. I can feel his abs through his shirt; his subtle, familiar heartbeat fills my brain. The song slows down in time with his heartbeat. It has a nice ring to it.
In the room next-door, Milibli turns on loud horrific screamo music that rocks the whole house. I can hear her fingers running over the keys of the stereo, trying to decide which song to listen to. Her 7 month old daughter begins to howl at the volume of the music. Milibli's breath is light and invariable. Reshicalidy, Milibli's daughter, has a similar breath speed.
"Fly away then. You've got your Staraptor," I reply to Krash's brainless thought.
He thinks about this. His heartbeat slows further, creating an even nicer melody. He runs his hand along my arm. We are still embraced. I have no intention of letting go. Krash touches my hand. He doesn't understand. He could never understand why I like staying in this horrible place.
More senseless, angry tears pour down my face. The song is so heavy with emotions. It's so ugly yet so beautiful. I can feel the ripples of confusion spread throughout Krash's body. I can feel anger build up inside him. I can hear the footsteps of my father outside my room. Krash can't hear them. He doesn't know.
I push him off me and shove him into my closet. He is even more confused but doesn't protest. I close the closet door on his face and hurry back over to my couch. My father's hand is on the door knob. The door creaks open. Dad is not happy. He's breath is insanely fast. He is crazy and he's not even drunk.
"Where is Krash?" he has to take a breath between each word because he says the words so slowly.
"He went out for a smoke about an hour ago," I have a look of pure horror on my face.
I try to mask it but I can't. I am terrified of my own father.
He wrinkles his nose and stares hard at my face. The things this man could do... He is dangerous and I hate him. What can I do? He has custody over me. I'm only 14. What can a 14 year old girl do?
"I'm going out," He rubs his eye and coughs without covering his mouth.
The sound of his footsteps disappears. I stand there. Breathing hard. Reliving the conversation in my head. Remembering every detail. The timing of each breath. The fear I had in my eyes. I don't think that's healthy.
Krash opens the closet and comes out. He stands in front of me. He's older than me but he doesn't always act like it. When mum left, he was forced to grow up and take responsibility over me. For 10 years of my worthless life he stood by my side and told me what to do. He told me not to take drugs, drink or stop breathing. He told me not to put my head underwater or stick a knife in my arm. He took total control over me. When he was 8 he was already acting like the responsible parent, telling me what to do. We shared so many moments, so many tears and so many smiles. It was because of all those moments that I fell in love. He was my brother, but I loved him more than family. More than anything.
"I would. I would fly away with you," Krash reaches out and touches my cheek.
When he says that he doesn't mean what I want him to mean. I want him to mean he wants to stay with me forever. But he just wants me to stay with him temporarily and then he'll gradually disappear from me. He'll find a gorgeous girlfriend. They'll get married and have children and I won't be part of his life anymore.
"But I'm not going anywhere," I remind him, "Leave on your own."
Krash pulls his hand away from me. The movement was so sudden I take a step back in shock. I can still feel the change in the wind when he pulled away. For a moment, we stop breathing simultaneously.
"Do you want me to leave?" he asks.
I'm choking on my emotions. I want to cry but I can't. I just can't.
"No. You're not happy here though."
Krash grabs my arm, "Neither are you."
Milibli's music is turned off. I hear her open her room's door and head out into the hallway with Reshicalidy. Her footsteps are deafening. They echo throughout my whole body.
I love you.
I don't say it out loud. He wouldn't believe me and even if he did, I doubt it would change things.
"Stop it. Go if you want. I'm staying," I take my arm away from him.
Krash looks hurt.
"I hate it when you do this," He says with a heartbreaking sigh.
He turns away from me and heads to the door. He lets his hand rest on the door knob.
"Goodbye, Alamari."
A tear rolls silently down my cheek. He leaves with footsteps heavier than ever.
The song in my head stops. I can't remember what it felt to be in his arms. To hear his glorious heartbeat. I miss him.
"I love you Krash," I whisper.
Then I burst into a horrific sob and stared, eyes streaming, at the bare hallway.