Title: The Worst Five Ways to Woo a Potential Girlfriend
Author: Writing2Death
Rating: PG
Pairings: Morgana/Leon, Merlin/Arthur, Gwen/Lancelot
Summary: Morgana wishes that men weren't so stupid and that one of them could get their act together. Please, someone stop this madness.
Notes: This will, in fact, be the last instalment in my FiveWays!AU. I know I spouted hideous lies about there being five parts (which could have been ideal for a FiveWays!AU) but right now I have too many stories to finish up before the summer ends. I have a list! And I'll stick to it. So far I'm on schedule. Tremendous thanks to Wren Hightower who can apparently do a beta on the fly and to Magi's Merlin for her wonderful cheerleading. Lots and lots of love.
This follows both The Top Five Ways to Know When You've Hit Rock Bottom and it's sequel Five Easy Ways to Almost Kill Your Boyfriend. I don't think it's totally necessary to read those first but this might make more sense if you do.
Thanks and as always, reviews=*heart*
Enjoy!
The Worst Five Ways to Woo a Potential Girlfriend
By Merlin Emrys
(Printed without editor Morgana's permission, as she is currently in the broom cupboard snogging with— )
5. Category: Cheesy
They really just make you wince, don't they?
This is how it starts:
"Hey," and he sat down beside her.
Morgana sighed, glancing around for Gwen (who abandoned her, thank you very much!). She spotted her, sitting in a dark corner with Lance, her new boyfriend (not cool because now Morgana was alone being single and there was nothing worse than that).
It's not that she wasn't happy for Gwen, because she really was and Lance was lovely, but she wished that there was some halfway decent boy who wanted her.
"What's your sign?" was the question that brought her back to the present problem.
She turned to him, finally, to see a kid who was clearly in high school (and therefore shouldn't have been in a bar at all, the responsible side of her pointed out).
"Don't you think I'm a bit old for you?" she asked saucily, thinking that even if she weren't that she'd never go out with someone who tried to pick her up by using the line, What's your sign?
This is why she didn't go out anymore, she thought, picking up her drink and making her way back to the group. Lance and Gwen were kissing and it was disgusting. Morgana hated PDA. Really, like a lot.
Thankfully her stepbrother and Merlin were restraining themselves, which was nice. She could see them holding hands under the table but no one would have been able to tell if they hadn't been looking for it. She sighed. Some of Arthur's friends were with them as well – friends from sports, she thought, not entirely sure.
One of them, Pellinor (who worked at Arthur's favourite restaurant on the side, she realized), slid into the seat next to her, arm brushing hers.
"Have we met before?" he asked, a smile tugging at his lips.
Morgana tried to smile back. "I don't think so."
"Are you sure?" Pellinor asked. "Didn't I see you last night?"
"Ew," and Morgana said that out loud.
That's when she got up and left.
She was waiting for the bus angrily, tapping her foot impatiently and shivering. It wasn't as though she had dressed for standing outside for crying out loud!
"…Are you all right?" a voice from beside her said.
Morgana jumped and then, embarrassed, she wheeled around. "No, I am not all right," she answered fiercely, taking a step toward the man. He looked a little shocked. "I am not all right because men-" and she punctuated this word by jabbing him in the chest with a manicured finger, "are pigs who don't know how to behave themselves when there's a pretty girl present! Let me guess – If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together? Is that what you were going to say?"
"Uhm…?"
"I wish you lot would just leave me alone." She was menacing, stomping away to the next bus stop, high heels clicking against the pavement angrily.
4. Category: Flattery
It will get you nowhere.
"Where's my article, Merlin?" Morgana asked the next day as he walked into her office. It was late… again.
"I'm… working on it?"
She rolled her eyes. "You do know," she said, "that you are not, in fact, the only person to write listicles, right? I can… find someone else?"
Merlin bit his lip, presumably attempting not to smile. The idiot knew she'd never actually fire him. "I have a topic, at least."
"Is it…. Five Good Ways to Meet a Deadline?" Morgana asked sarcastically, smiling at Gwen as she pulled up a seat at the table and unwrapped her lunch. She slid Morgana an energy drink the length of the table and Merlin eyed it warily when she popped the tab open.
"No," Merlin sighed. "It's Five Easy Ways to Almost Kill Your Boyfriend," he admitted and Morgana smirked.
"I don't want to know," she said and then asked in spite of herself, "Does it have to do with the unfortunate bruising around your eyes?"
Merlin glared at her, rolling his eyes. "I took a football to the face," he confessed.
Morgana just smiled at him.
Contrary to popular belief, Morgana did actually go to her classes. She particularly enjoyed Economics – don't even ask why because she couldn't tell you. She only took it because Uther 'strongly suggested it' (read: 'Take it. Do you think you have a choice?'), and while she wasn't Uther's actual daughter, she was close enough.
This was how she ended up with Arthur beside her, generally being annoying while she was attempting to take notes. "What are you doing?" she asked, the continual movement of Arthur's hands driving her insane.
She looked over from her notes. He was folding origami paper cranes out of scrap pieces of paper that looked like they contained important class notes. "Are you insane?" she hissed.
Arthur glared at her. "No, this class is just really boring," he answered honestly.
Morgana wanted to introduce her forehead to the desk but refrained – it would have been loud. "Why," she muttered to herself, "are all men …" She trailed off because the only adjective she could think of was 'insane' and she didn't like repeating herself.
"Are you worried about his grade?" the person beside her asked.
Morgana would never in a million years let him know that it scared her half to death. She didn't jump. "No," she said bitterly, "he's doing better in this class than I am."
"Ah," the stranger said. "I'm Leon, by the way."
Morgana stared at him, thinking she'd probably missed several important points already and should probably go back to listening. "… Right. Listen, do I know you?"
"You … uh, we met last week? You were waiting for the bus and attempted to tell me all men are, erm, I believe the word you used was pigs."
Morgana blinked. "Oh yeah," she said finally, turning back to her sheet and casting a dark look Arthur's way. He had apparently moved on to making a cootie catcher. People in their lecture row were starting to stare. "I'm Morgana," she said absently. "You don't happen to know what the professor's been talking about for the last ten minutes, do you?"
She was walking by the cafeteria with Gwen when she heard it.
Someone shouted, "If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together!"
Morgana knew it was directed toward her only because the boy she passed attempted to grab her arm with a playful smirk sliding across his face. Morgana smiled at him.
"You're disgusting," she said pleasantly, yanking her arm out of his grip, holding her head high, and walking away.
Gwen jogged to catch up.
"How come this stuff doesn't ever happen to you?" she asked.
Gwen shrugged, "Ever since I started dating Lance, no one's bothered me."
Morgana hated Lance.
3. Category: Innuendo
Implications don't work, either
It started like this:
"There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you."
Morgana looked up from her laptop and frowned sternly at him. "Merlin, I will kill you, I swear," she said. And then, "Gwen told you, didn't she?"
Merlin dissolved into giggles (and Morgana liked to avoid using that word but there was really no other way to describe it) and a grin slid across his face. "Or how about, my lips hurt, can you kiss them better?"
"Merlin," Morgana warned, "You're not funny. And also not convincing with a broken nose."
He frowned. "It's still healing!" he said petulantly.
"Just get me your article and get out of my office."
"Um, hi. Again. Because, you know, we met in Economics?"
Morgana stared at him. "Are you… all right?" she asked.
Leon shrugged, "I'm okay," and sat down at the table where Morgana was attempting to eat her salad. She looked around for an escape route – Gwen, Merlin, Arthur – anyone at this point. Why couldn't the world just accept that she was okay with being single, damn it?
"Are you sure?" Leon asked, hand coming up to scratch his cheek. "Because you just slammed your fist down on the table…"
Morgana looked down and purposely unclenched her fist. She cleared her throat, "How are you?"
Leon smiled. "Fine. Just, um – wondering if you could help me with my Essay. I know you do the whole editing thing for the newspaper…"
Morgana looked up. He wasn't bad looking, she decided. Then she was promptly horrified with herself. She sighed, "What's it on?"
He dug through his backpack and brought out a huge binder. Morgana bit her lip, wondering if she was going to end up regretting this.
When she finally walked into her cramped little office an hour later, she found Merlin and Gwen sitting at the centre table, huddled together and whispering. They were laughing. Morgana was instantly suspicious. She dropped her bag loudly.
They straightened right away, trying to keep their faces blank.
"Oh, hi, Morgana!" Gwen said preppily. "How was your- um, your date?"
She actually felt her face slide into something that must've resembled confusion. "What are you talking about?"
"Nothing!" Merlin said right away, scraping his chair back. "Um, I have to meet Arthur. I'll… be back later."
She watched him go and then turned back to Gwen. "Is there something I should know?"
Gwen shook her head, playing cute. "Nope. Just, um, Merlin and I are just planning a little project thing, that's all."
"… Right." Morgana answered. "Is he almost done the article? Because the paper comes out next week and…"
2. Category: Are you trying to be cute?
It's not working.
Morgana was surprised, walking out of the library feeling like she enjoyed herself. Who enjoys themselves tutoring, anyway?
"Wait!"
Morgana turned. Leon was jogging up to her, a pen in his hand. "I think you dropped this," he said, pressing it into her hand.
Morgana clenched her teeth – I think you dropped this? – that was the best he could do? "Thanks," she said coldly, turning abruptly and making her way down toward the buses.
She was pathetic. That was basically the story of her life.
She debated calling Gwen but then she'd have to divulge exactly how pathetic she was (read: sitting alone in her living room, wearing her pyjamas, watching Strictly Come Dancing, and eating a very large tub of ice cream).
1. Category: Desperation
Sad, pathetic - almost... but not.
This is how it started:
"Are you wearing space pants because—"
Morgana punched him in the face.
"Father's very disappointed in you," Arthur said, handing her an ice pack.
Morgana grumbled, resting it over her knuckles. "It's not my fault all men are disgusting."
"Yes, well," Arthur said, tugging Merlin to sit down next to him – whenever he happened to be visiting Uther with Arthur, he always acted like there was something waiting to jump out from behind every corner and come at him with a knife. "It kind of surprised me that you went to the bar alone. What were you thinking? You couldn't have at least brought Gwen, even if you weren't going to bring Leon."
Morgana stared at him, noticing the way that Merlin's eyes widened and he seemed to have a spontaneous coughing fit. Ah, everything seemed to click into place suddenly. Well, two could play at that game.
"Contrary to whatever you believe," she said unfeelingly, "I am, in fact, not a little girl and can take care of myself."
"I can see that," Arthur sighed like she was the insane one.
Category: Sweet
This is how you fix things:
Don't use stupid pick-up lines.
Don't take advice from your friends.
And don't think too much of yourself.
Morgana wasn't desperate. She didn't want a boyfriend that badly. There was nothing wrong with being single. She was a strong, independent woman who didn't need a man. … but that didn't necessarily mean she didn't want one.
And because she was a horrible person who wanted to both have a boyfriend who she actually enjoyed and make Arthur angry at the same time, she found herself not calling Merlin and Gwen out.
Of course they were both horrible, filthy liars but that was a matter to be dealt with at another time.
"You owe me," she paused for dramatic effect, "a Five Ways article," she said the next time Merlin showed up in her office.
Merlin smirked and really he had no business doing his stupid Merlin-smirk when he had apparently lied to Arthur about who Morgana was dating and then teamed up with Gwen to have her actually date him.
"I might have two for you," Merlin answered and then his smirk softened a little bit into a smile. "Not sure if the last Five Ways works though. We'll have to wait and see."
Her pride was a little bit at war with how sweet her friends actually were, of course. She decided, because Morgana was an amazingly wonderful person, of course, that she wouldn't seek Leon out. She'd just wait until the next Economics class.
She sat down in her usual seat beside him, purposely ignoring Arthur (who was proceeding to ignore everything the prof had to say and drawing what looked like a cartoon picture of himself in a knight's costume).
And she turned to Leon, smirking. He looked at her hesitantly.
"So," Morgana said, leaning forward slightly, "you like me, yeah?"
"Er –"
And she grabbed his shirt, pulled him forward and kissed him.
("And for future reference," Morgana said when they pulled apart, "No pick-up lines, please."
Leon laughed – "It wasn't a pick up line!" he said. "You actually dropped your pen."
Morgana blushed a little. "Oh.")