Written for Ilarual's bday in 2015. Finally gotten around to publishing it here! This is a oneshot and won't seen an update.

The idea burst out of nothing at the ungodly hour of 1 a.m. What if I posted reviews from my ex girlfriends on Tinder? Soul hadn't been able to sleep well for a full 18 months after his last breakup, and he hadn't really started dating seriously again either. Could this be the gambit that finally injected some sunshine back into his dreary, lovesick life?

Soul's first ex was from high school, but since he still had her number he sent a quick, sleep-deprived text before passing out. He was astounded when he got a reply the next morning.

Soul: Hey, send a girlfriend review of me that I can post on Tinder.

Jackie: That's a 1 am text if I ever saw one.

Soul: It just needs to be 1-2 sentences.

Jackie: Are you sure you want a review from ME though?

Jacqueline Dupres used Soul as a cover for her budding homosexuality when they were teenagers. Young and inexperienced, neither of them really minded being boyfriend and girlfriend in name only. They both had similarly overbearing parents, and being in a faux-relationship was an easy way to get their families to let them out of the house and spend time with their real friends. The couple kissed only three times to truly sell the act.

Soul did his best to be a good boyfriend by bringing Jackie to nice dinners and giving her gifts, but he understood when Jackie pronounced herself ready to start openly dating women after graduation. It was his first and most amicable breakup.

He told Jackie that yes, he did want a review despite their strange history. She sent it to him without further comment.

The next ex on his list was less than thrilled to hear from him.

Anya: I'm married. Go away.

Soul: …

Soul: ok, I deserve your hatred.

After the Jackie incident, Soul's parents swooped in and set Soul up with the daughter of a family friend-Anya Hepburn. He immediately resented his parents' interference, and Soul made it his mission to be as big of an asshole as possible to his new girlfriend. Unfortunately, Anya saw through his ruse immediately, which made her even more angry than if he were a genuine shithead. They made out with each other out of spite for a few months before finally cutting the cord.

In order to convince Anya to relent, he called her up so they could catch up on the phone. Now that they were older and more mature, they actually got along really well. She was also now in a queer relationship. What were the odds?

His third ex girlfriend answered his text almost immediately.

Liz: You're not gonna edit what I say, right?

Soul had met the Brooklyn blonde when he was interning at a music studio at the tender, virginal age of nineteen. They hit it off immediately, and Liz gave Soul a crash course in the sexual arts. Their affair lasted only three weeks, but by the end of it Soul had accrued a scratched up back, a sore wrist, and a twisted ankle.

Liz let him go after deciding that their kinks were incompatible and he couldn't keep pace with her galloping libido. Somewhat relieved, Soul agreed and they parted ways.

After obtaining Liz's pithy, slightly TMI review, Soul updated his Tinder profile with his feedback. Three reviews still seemed a little thin, but the fourth and last ex he had in his arsenal was the girl he was trying and failing to get over. A year and a half was a long time to be broken up, but thinking of the night it all happened still causes his gut to churn with guilt and regret. Calling her up for a two sentence review wasn't worth ripping that wound open to rub in fresh salt. And there was literally no woman saltier than her.

Maka. The girl who smelt of honeysuckles and had an especially warm neck that he loved to nuzzle and kiss and bite. The girl who showed him all the ways his past relationships were flawed, all the ways sex and romance could thrill instead of disappoint. The girl who flitted in his thoughts even now as he absently scrolled through his Tinder matches, swiping left to every profile.

To be truthful, Soul was terrified of what she would say if given the chance. Maka wasn't the type to be passive aggressive or conceal how she really felt. He didn't think he could handle any blunt honesty from her, not when their three-year relationship imploded over the course of a single night. Worst of all was that Soul couldn't remember the details of what happened. All he knew was that he was drunk, she was drunk, they had a flight to catch early in the morning, and they spent the entire night throwing insults and plates across the room. Soul got on the plane, Maka didn't, and they had never spoken since.

Rather than fabricating a fourth review, Soul contacted his best friend's girlfriend. Tsubaki, a tall Japanese woman with gentle eyes and a kind smile, was more than happy to oblige.

Soul Evans, 24, Musician
Rated Reviews From Soul's Exes!
Jackie says, "Soul is very sweet once you peel back some layers. I would recommend him to any lesbian who needs to scare her parents into accepting her sexuality. 4 Stars."
Liz says, "His anus was not very responsive. 3 Stars."
Anya says, "When we were young, he was insufferable. But he's grown up a lot, and he seems to be doing very well now. 3.5 Stars."
Tsubaki says, "I've never dated Soul, but I think he's really cool! 5 Stars!"

His Tinder project, meant only to impress potential dates in his area, blew up after Black Star published his story on Reddit. This led a dozen or so women who messaged him out of pure curiosity and a handful who actually asked him out. Unfortunately, the steady stream of Tinder messages and dates was entertaining at best and depressing at worst. There were a lot of freaks on the Internet, and he had suddenly become their most eligible bachelor.

Well, when you act on a 1 a.m. idea, you definitely reap what you sow. The problem was that Soul had no real idea of what he had sowed to begin with.

Four weeks after his Tinder profile went live, Soul got the shock of the century.

From: Maka Albarn. Subject: Remember me?

Seeing her byline sitting in his email inbox knocked the wind out of him. The subject line, which was both casual and a little coy, held the promise of reunion, or at least open communication. Unable to wait, he clicked the subject line to open the email.

Soul,

I know we haven't spoken in a while, but I have to express the hurt and outrage I feel for being left out of your Tinder reviews. Three years is a long time to be with someone, and I thought they would have meant something to you. They definitely meant a lot to me!

We left on bitter terms, so I suppose I can understand why you would not want to contact me. Still, considering the length and intensity of our relationship, I would have thought you would reach out for my input. Seriously, you put your lesbian ex on there but not me? And you never even went out with Tsubaki!

It doesn't upset me that you're dating again. I just thought I mattered to you more than this.

Good luck with Tinder,

Maka

Soul lay on his bed (it would have been their bed, had things gone differently) and squinted at his phone screen to reread her words. For such a short email, it contained a lot of mixed signals. Maka was mad that he didn't ask her for a Tinder review because their relationship meant a lot to her, yet she claimed to not care that he was dating again. If she didn't mind that he was dating, why confront him? Her visceral reaction didn't match the crime. This was the girl who point blank refused to reconcile after their big fight and literally didn't speak to him for 18 months. Why would she end their radio silence over Tinder?

Soul didn't need to think twice about contacting Maka about this. His profile had obviously upset her, and even if she chewed him out all over again, Soul had to at least try to make things right. If he couldn't save their relationship before, maybe he could revive their friendship now.

He calculated what the time difference between Oregon and Nevada before making the call.

He was completely prepared for Maka not to answer the phone at all, so it caught him off guard when she answered midway through the first ring. "Soul," she breathed. "It's been a while."

"Yeah it has." He swallowed and said, "So I got your email just now-"

"I was a little angry when I wrote that," Maka admitted quickly.

"No, it's cool. I totally see where you're coming from. I was wrong to leave you out. It's just…"

"Scary to talk again?"

"Yeah." Soul sighed into the phone. It was so great to hear her voice again, even if it was displaced his lousy phone signal.

"So do you want it?" Maka asked.

"I-what?"

"My review! Do you want it for your profile? I think it might help you get dates better than the ones you have right now."

"I believe it. My ass was completely slandered in one of those." The light of her laughter reverberated through the phone. God, their banter was so organic and honest that it almost felt like they were friends again. He hadn't realized just how much he had been aching to feel this connected or familiar with someone. "But yeah, send it to me whenever you can. Tinder isn't going anywhere."

"Will do." Maka paused, and Soul could hear her breathing deeply on the other line. "I'm really happy for you," she said. "I'm glad you've moved on. I'm probably the last person who can ask this of you, considering...just don't be a stranger, okay? I've missed this."

Soul blurted, "I've missed you. If you are ever in the area, or you just want to talk-"

"I'll definitely drop you a line!"

Reluctantly, Soul and Maka said their goodbyes and ended their conversation. The interaction was more pleasant and successful than Soul had expected, but at the same time it was heartbreaking because it had given him a taste of how they used to be, and how they would never be again. Her comment about how she was happy that Soul had 'moved on' seemed to confirm that she had moved on as well. The realization left him feeling hollow and shaky, like he had permanently lost something within himself.

A couple hours after their phone call, Maka finally texted Soul her review.

Maka: "Soul is a talented guy with an amazing sense of humor. He has a great job, fast bike, and very nice hands. The only thing keeping me from him is 1,500 miles! 5 Stars."

The absence within him was immediately flooded with hope and awe.

He did not post her review to Tinder.

Instead, Soul bought a plane ticket.