Horo's December, a shaman king fanfic

DarkTaoAngel: Another songfic of mine, this time with the song My December by Linkin Park. I don't own Shaman King, if I did Horo and Ren would be snogging each other every chapter, but again, I don't. Oh, but this isn't a HoroRen story! OMG, I actually wrote HoroHao hintings!

It's so cold here, he thought to himself as he trudged his way through the snow in his homeland. Being an Ainu, he was used to the cold; after all, he'd been raised that way. Snow, ice, winter, everything was cold. It was only natural for someone who'd grown up with only one season, winter, to be perfectly adjusted to temperatures well below freezing. But, this was a different type of cold.

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

They didn't know him; they had no idea who he was. He could laugh with them, his friends, but they didn't really know him. How were they supposed to know him when he always wore that mask? Not a physical one, merely a façade, and though everyone knew him as an Ainu, a snowboarder, and an ice shaman, they never really took the time to see what was behind all of that. After all, he was a shaman of ice, and like ice, he was frozen. Didn't they see how many times he'd broken?

This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

They thought of him as one of them, though they treated him so differently. Ren; he was always making fun of him, and Horo simply played along. He acted like it was no big deal, and his mask prevented anyone from seeing how much it hurt him. They didn't see how much pain it caused him just to wake up every morning, knowing that one more day had passed and nothing had changed. That was what scared him the most.

And I just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that
And I just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I take back all the things that I said to you

He'd been raised as a shaman, taught to fear nothing and no one. He'd been brought up on the belief that nature was a kindred spirit, and to respect that. So, why is it that nature turned out to be the one thing that had managed to destroy him the most? Did they know when they taught him to live with nature that it would eventually take away his own life? Sure, he wasn't dead, but he might as well be. What more did he have to live for anyway?

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

Yoh had always told him that no matter what happened, things would work out for the better. So, where was he now that Horo needed that simple assurance more than ever? Even when everything was going perfectly fine, nothing would ever turn out that way in the end. There was no such thing as a happy ending, and Horo loathed fairy-tales for making him believe such a thing when he was a child. His heart had shattered when he'd finally realized that simple truth, that when Yoh said everything would work out, he was merely saying that so that when something bad finally did happen, his smile would still never fade. Horo still wondered if Yoh had ever genuinely smiled before.

This is my December
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all I need

He still remembered his fights with the X-Laws, and with Hao. How long ago had that been? Back then, he would never have been able to tell himself that someone was powerful as Hao would fall so easily. He still smiled as he thought about him, knowing only too well that only brought the pain back faster, but he needed something to take his mind off of how terrible his own life was going. Things could only go uphill from there, right? Whoever had said that should have taken into account how dramatically things could still drop, even after a person manages to hit rock bottom.

He had heard once how precious life could be, and how much it had to be savored before it was gone for good. That quote still stuck with him, even when he climbed that snow-covered mountain, hugging his jacket closely to himself, a picture clasped tightly in his gloved hands. He still thought about it, even then… especially then.

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

He looked again at the picture, feeling the tears poking through his eyelids again. He couldn't help it, he was holding one of his only pictures of all of them, the whole gang. It was just after the Shaman Tournament, the X-Laws, and even Hao, among the group. Horo's eyes scanned the picture, seeing the tall fire shaman towards the back, a grim look on his face. It wasn't an angry look, more sad than anything. Horo noted his own look, and wide grin. He was happy; the picture was taken on one of the rare occasions when he was. After all, how could he have known that only two weeks later everything that had made him happy would be taken away from him?

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

Everyone who knew him, or at least thought they did, would have said that the cold was part of his element. Smiling as he'd done it, he'd invited everyone on a short trip to his homelands to celebrate Yoh becoming Shaman King. It would only be for a few days, what could go wrong? Had he told himself that very thing now, he would have known what could have gone wrong. To his great surprise, and pleasure, Hao had accepted the invitation. Now, however, he wished more than anything that he hadn't come. It was Horo's own environment that had killed him. It was almost as though Horo himself had done to job.

Give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

Horo reached the top of the mountain, looking down at the many miles below. Just the sight of it brought tears to his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. He didn't want to look weak, not just now, when he had to show him that he was still strong. But, being at the exact place where his love had fallen to his death, Horo didn't feel like he could be strong anymore. Besides, Hao had been stronger than he had. So, why'd it have to be him who'd fallen? Horo took the picture out of his coat, looking at it one last time before opening his hand, letting it get carried away by the wind. He felt hot tears running down his face. No matter how many times he'd told himself not to, he'd known all along that he would cry. It was hard not to.

Give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

Horo turned away from the ledge of the mountain, whispering a quick goodbye to the boy he loved. He shivered slightly from the cold. Being an Ainu, he was raised to be quite adjusted to the cold… but this was a different kind of cold. Hao… he whispered, thank you.

DarkTaoAngel: Okay, I don't even really get this, but it was fun to write. Not much to say, this didn't turn out quite like I wanted it to, but oh well. Review if you want me to write a fluffy HoroRen tomorrow!