I do not own Harry Potter or 'If You Give A Mouse A Cookie', or PacMan. Rated K plus for mild language.
Fanfiction. Fanfiction is the most glorious of all art forms, the only scrap of solace for Harry Potter fangirls who have no purpose in life now that the seventh book is over, the realization of fangirls' dreams to attend Hogwarts and date Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, or both, and, most importantly, fanfiction is the domain of the secret rulers of the universe, fanfiction writers.
Before this story can be told, the concept of a fanfiction writer must be fully explained. Fanfiction writers are probably the most important people in the world of Harry Potter. When most Muggles hear the term 'fanfiction writer' they believe this is referring to a writer of fanfiction. Where they get an idea this ludicrous is anyone's guess. A fanfiction writer is obviously a tall, freckled, redheaded Starbucks Barista named Curly who works part-time at a top-secret CCBBRWIGWTSUL in New York City, which as everyone knows stands for Chocolate-Coated-Banana-Bazooka-Related-Weapons-In-Gorilla-Warfare-Top-Secret-Underground-Lab.
Now, these CCBBRWIGWTSUL's are the key to defeating Lord Voldemort, because, as everyone knows, the one force in the universe that Voldemort cannot face is not love, as that is the worst cliché ever written, but chocolate coated bananas. So the Ministry arms their Aurors with prototype Chocolate Coated Banana Bazookas, and Dumbledore keeps one stored inside the Sorting Hat. After all, the only reason Harry survived that fateful night as a baby was because he had eaten some chocolate coated bananas for dessert. Just as Voldemort cast the Killing Curse, Harry burped, and the mere odor of the chocolate coated bananas nearly destroyed Lord Voldemort, and made him famous forevermore as The Boy Who Burped. This makes much more sense than that crazy rumor circulating that Harry survived because Lily died to save him. After all, the power of love is nothing compared to a chocolate coated banana.
Of course, studies have shown that chocolate coated bananas do little or no damage when used in gorilla warfare, and actually feed the enemy gorillas instead of harming them. So, instead of teaming up with the dementors, Voldemort plans to raise an army of Dark gorillas to face the Ministry. Then the world will cower as his Banana Eaters dominate the globe.
Of course, this story is not about a tall, freckled, redheaded Starbucks Barista named Curly who works at a top-secret CCBBRWIGWTSUL in New York City, or about this insidious plot of Voldemort's Banana Eaters, but a fanfiction author. Fanfiction authors are probably the second most important people in the world of Harry Potter. When most Muggles hear the term 'fanfiction author' they believe this is referring to an author of fanfiction. This is absolutely correct. Fanfiction authors have powers that manifest themselves in mysterious ways. They can cause established characters to act out of character, insert themselves into their favorite stories, or create Mary-Sues to enter a story for them.
There are also various positions such as those of fanfiction novelists, fanfiction dramatists, fanfiction poets, and fanfiction songwriters, who are monkeys with typewriters named Inky, angsty shoe models named Pinky, giant animate teddy bears from the CIA named Agent Blinky, and sentient parasites named Sue who inhabit the bodies of aforementioned angsty shoe models named Pinky, respectively. But the most prominent and well-known masters of fanfiction are fanfiction authors and writers.
Why do you need to know all this, you might ask? You need to know because one day Voldemort may try to kill you. And it is crucial to know his greatest weakness. It is like it says in the world-famous book, 'If You Give Lord Voldemort A Sundae':
"If you give Lord Voldemort a sundae…he will die, because the banana was chocolate coated. THE END."
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