The difference is that when we're alive, we expel that gas. The dead, lacking workable stomach muscles and sphincters and bedmates to annoy, do not. Cannot.
"Bella."
I held up a finger, willing Emmett to be quiet.
We pass a skeleton six feet seven inches tall and dressed in a red Harvard sweatshirt and sweatpants.
"Bella." Emmett's voice rises to a whine and I am forced to put down my book. It is snowing outside, big flat flakes, that look quite a bit like a giant's dandruff. Edward is sitting next to me on the sofa in the family room at his house, running his fingers through my hair. Emmett is on my other side, hoping to entice me to participate in some ridiculous game of tag or something.
"What, Emmett, for God's sake, what?" I look up from my book angrily. Emmett's head jerks back in surprise.
"What are you reading?" He asks, craning his head to get a better look. I sigh, knowing this conversation will somehow drag on for ages.
"Stiff, by Mary Roach," He opens his mouth, but I cut him off, "It's about the uses of cadavers and decomposition." I know it sounds morbid, but it is rather funny in a moribund kind of way. Emmett raises an eyebrow and I hear Alice giggle from up the stairs.
"Huh," Emmett intones. He suddenly reaches for the book and grabs it out of my hands. Next to me, Edward growls a small bit reproachfully, but Emmett ignores him, as do I.
I watch Emmett's reaction to the discussion of dead bodies, finding it very likely he will not be in the least bit repulsed. But I am surprised; halfway through his reading his eyebrows rise simultaneously and his mouth starts to open.
Finally, it shuts, as does the book.
He clears his throat.
"Edward?" Edward looks up from our entwined hands and meets Emmett's gaze.
"Hmm?" Emmett's brows furrow in concern. This is a side of Emmett I have never before seen.
"Technically, we're cadavers, aren't we?" Edward frowns in what I assume to be consternation.
"Technically, I suppose so, since a cadaver is just a dead body. Why do you ask?"
Emmett breaks into a broad grin, and in a sudden, awful moment of realization, I feel as though I might just know what's coming up.
"Well, Edward, listen to this: Bloat is most noticeable in the abdomen, where the largest numbers of bacteria are, but it happens in other bacterial hot spots, most notably the mouth and genitalia. 'In the male, the penis and especially the testicles can become very large.'
'Like how large?'
'I don't know. Large'
'Softball large? Watermelon large?'
'Softball' Arpad Vass… blah blah"
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Edward's jaw tighten, and his grip on my hand tightened.
"So," Emmett's face was shining with joy, "since we're dead bodies, we should rightfully be experiencing bloat. What do you say, Bella?" My face grew hot.
"Notice any softball sized genitalia on Edward rec-"
He never finished his sentence. The sound of the collision of the two granite bodies resounded through the house, garnished with a tinkling laugh from up the stairs.
AN: Hehe, I'm on a roll with short story writing, no? Questions, comments?
Disclaimer: I do not own Stiff, by Mary Roach (italics are directly lifted from the book) nor do I own Twilight. Please, no legal charges.