The War
She sat in the window, looking out at the sky. There were clouds everywhere and a mist falling to the ground. He lay in her bed; sleeping off the night's activities. He was not who she was thinking of. There was another man in her mind. He is always there in the bottom of her heart. The one in her bed never knew about the one in her heart; he would never know. She would never tell him. She made a choice. She remained with it.
There was security and predictability in her current situation, but in secret moments, she lets her mind wonder away.
There was a time when all she could think about was his lips on hers. The chance to feel his touch. To experience him. He loved her. She found only infatuation. The experience left her bittersweet memories sketched across her mind. She remembered the way he tasted, smoke and alcohol. His smell was for him alone, cologne as black as he was. He was risk and experience all into one. When the sun rose, she fled from his bed into her own.
Licking her lips, she returns to the present. There were assignments to complete staring back at her. The scent of him remaining in her nostrils. Only during the quiet dark times does he slip into her mind.
Against the desires of her heart, she convinced herself to fall for the routine. Never to know what might have been. Now, she dreams of a chance sighting. Just to make sure he is still smiling.
This is why she walks on her own. Just for the chance to see him. Not to talk to him. She could not risk that. If he were to talk to her, she would forget all of the reasons why she loved the man in her bed. She did not regret any actions she has taken, nor feel the need to explain herself. The last time they spoke, she told him of her decision. No communication anymore. Just to watch he lives his life; to know he is okay. She never goes, although she knows where he is. Any thoughts can turn into actions, actions lead to obsessions, and obsessions ruin lives and dreams.
The man sleeping is safe, he offers security. He forgave her transgression and accepted her back, ready to pick up the pieces where they feel. This one is the correct path for her.
The other is excitement and risk. The feeling of unpredictability. She would have to take care of him, constantly guiding his steps. He would become dependent on her and she would bear all responsibility of their life together were it to happen.
This is why she remains where she is.
The man in her bed stirs. She watches him wake up. Walk over and accept his hand to climb back under the flannel folds of warmth. Returning to sleep, the man returns to the depths of her heart until the next quiet moment and the war will continue.