A/N: No..hiatus still not over...*sighs*

Not much action in the first chapter. Just fail attempts at humour and setting the stage.

Gilbert First Person View, so double fail.

Also, don't worry. All those things about Vanechka? Gil doesn't mean it. He's just in denial, that's all.

And if Gil sounds a little... less perverted, please bear with it.

Overuse of the word 'awesome' and – at times – 'hero' and 'burger' and 'MacDonald's' and 'superman' and 'star wars'. And maybe 'kolkol'.

Also, Fail title is Fail *goes off to sulk in the corner*

Date: 26th December, 2010

(Not) Loving You

I scooted to the far end of the couch, throwing a smirk in the Vodka guzzling mor – er, I mean Ivan's direction.

OK. You know what? Screw this.

Unawesome.

Why the hell did Alfred have to invite Ivan over?

Oh..that's right. Ivan took him in when he got kicked out of his and his girl friend's shared apartment and helped him win it back. The apartment, I mean, not her heart. Like Hell if the bear knows anything about Love and hearts and crap. Not that I do, either. Nope, I totally don't write the Advice Column in the School Mag under the name of Sonata. Really. I swear.

You. Did. Not. Hear. That! Got it? Good.

Come to think of it, Alfred seems to get kicked out of apartments a shit load of was basically how we met, too. Alfred got into trouble with his cousin, Arthur, and got kicked out of their apartment ( which was actually Arthur's, not to mention Alfred never paid the bills for anything, but still. )

So Francis and I used to share this place back in those days ( give me a break guys. We were not a couple, regardless of all those rumours. Just short of money. And if Francis tried to rap – grope me in my sleep a few times – or more like a few billion times – that's none of your business, since the Awesome me took care of myself pretty well.) and Francis , of course, when he saw Alfred, offered to bring him home. And I shouldn't wonder, he has a nice ass. N-not that I was looking or something. Francis pointed that out to me. Because obviously I am so not gay. Never been. Anyway, we got along pretty well too, until he decided to move in with Scarlett.(1)

Anyway, moving on.

Adjdfjkghdfj I can't even believe Ivan actually had the audacity to ruffle my awesome hair in a most unawesome way just now dammit damn you retarded unawesome utter cu – I mean creepy – Idiot!

How did I manage to get myself in this mess?

( And it was so totally not any of my awesome faults! Dammit shut up voice in my head that sounds a lot like Westen! It was not!)

Point is, I am way too awesome for this shit to happen to the Awesome me!

I blame Al. At first I thought he was a pretty awesome kid ...not nearly as awesome as the Awesome me, of course..kesesese...but still pretty awesome for normal kids, you know. But now, not so much.

oOo

5 Weeks Ago

"Scheisse..." I groaned in my sleep.

My cell was ringing. And damn unawesomely loud it was, too. Fuck you, whoever's calling.

Was ist olles? It was just... a glance at the bedside clock proved that I wasn't too far off in my surmise... 2 in the fucking morning?

So I did the only thing I could.

I slapped a pillow over my head to block out the unawesome noise and went back to sleep. Or at least, tried to.

" ...pokazhi pokazhi pokazhi pokazhi..

pokazhi pokazhi pokazhi mne lyubov..."

Shut UP!

I never dreamt in my wildest dreams that it would be possible for me to hate Rammstein. Or t.A.t.U. And they are totally awesome so shut your trap.

The cell went silent. I mentally cheered. The unawesome thing better stay that way if it doesn't want to be thrown out of my second floor window ( or maybe not. I would have to get up and open that window if I didn't want to pay for that glass...thrice in a month. And it was a SmartPhone and it had cost me a lot so maybe I should reconsider its Death Sentence to simply some glaring at it like it was going to explode from the sheer intensity of the glare?..)

So while I was musing all these totally important and awesome thoughts, the phone remained blissfully silent. I had just come to the part where I grunt a sleepy 'Unawesome brat' at it and turn around and go back to sleep when it began to ring.

Again.

Loudly.

At 2 in the morning.

Maybe I shouldn't have shown it the mercy. The beast doesn't seem to deserve it.

After ignoring the phone for a good half an hour, I let out a frustrated sigh. Fuck this unawesome shit...

"Was ist olles? Was ist das, arscheloch? Wie spat ist es du Idiot?" a very pissed off and sleep deprived German barked into the cell.

I hoped to God this wasn't a drunk off their ass Francis or Arthur or Antonio calling me up ….again.

"Ich schwore, if this is Francis or Arthur or Antonio, I will personally make sure that you will die a very slow and painful dea - "

"Whoa Bro cool off!"

My eyes twitched.

So Alfred had finally decided to join in the League of "Get Drunk Off Your Head At Three In The Morning And Call Gilbert Up Depriving Him of His Sleep Just For The Heck Of It"?

He. Was. So. DEAD.

After ten minutes of continuous onslaught of German, American, French and Spanish (2) words that I guareantee you will never find in any dictionary and an epic quadri-lingual rant, I paused for air.

"Hahahah Man, you sure as hell are good – hic – at this!"

And was that Francis asking him to turn off the lights in the background?

And WAS that Arthur who was shouting at Francis now something along the lines of "bloody frog I am going to be sore the rest of my life"?

Oh Mein Gott!
I did not even wish to know.

"F-f-fuck you guys, for raping my ears!" I practically cried as I hung up, not wanting any more psychological trauma than I had already experienced.

After that, I quickly sent off a text to Erzsbeta informing her of the new – developments, and went back to sleep, smirking all the while. .

The awesome me will get back at those three for the days I'll surely have to spend in therapy after that.

Just for extra precautions, I switched the cell off. If Westen decided to call me ( which was why I kept it open at night in the first place. That, and that I forget to switch it off anyway since my head is so full of other awesome thoughts. )

from back home, he would have to wait. My Awesome Sleep came first.

This is a Page Break for Next Morning, da!

The next morning, I opened my door to get the newspaper and five feet ten of still drunk hyper blond annoying American crashed into me. Literally.

"Oooof...man, unawesome." I grumbled, saved due to the fact that my reflexes are – much like me – very awesome and hence jumping back and letting the other fall to the ground.

What? Even a five year old kid knows better than to lean against a door that has even a 0.00001 per cent chance of being opened.

Although considering this was Alfred, who was not really famed as the sharpest tool in the shed – so to say – and frankly I kind of doubt that he has the mental competence of said five year old kid, I guess he could be kind of excused...

..whatever. It was too early for this kind of unawesome shit, so I growled.

I mean, it was not really anything new for me. Unfortuantely.

I have lost count of how many times Anotnio or Francis or Arthur had shown up at my door completely smashed. Hell, I have lost count of how many times I myself have shown up at West's door back in Berlin completely smashed.

Except that I wasn't smashed.

No, really.

Well, not completely, anyway. And you are definitely unawesome for thinking so.

Besides, my Awesome more than makes up for any time I might or might not have shown up smashed at anyone's door, so shut your cake hole, ja?

Alfred looked at me, giving me his best puppy eyes. I melted a little inside...not that I would admit it to anyone.

"IlikeIvan" he said so fast that I didn't even get it completely. I mean, seriously. Al on a roll is like that Swede Teach in our school – simply unintelligible.

And anyway, that was just out of context. What did his liking Ivan have to do with anything?

More importantly, what did it have to do with Alfred showing up at my door obviously wasted from his breath that reeked of vodka and more possibly than not drunk off his ass and by the state of his clothes and my porch which had at least three empty glass bottles littered around and excuse me but EW! Unawesome and not only because it was Moskovskaya – wait!

Wait wait wait wait WAIT!

He drank three bottles of vodka?

Freaking vodka?

This, my dear friends, was not awesome.

In fact this was fucking freaking ununununUNawesome oh my God what should I do and oh dear God is that vomit on my porch?

No, I was not spazzing out and about to go into a panic attack. Absolutely not. Whatever made you think that?

OK I was but EW! Dude! And did Al just throw up on my favourite chick slippers ( totally manly and awesome, so fuck off. )

"Fucking unawesome, dude." I said, feeling a strange compulsion to rush to the bathroom and throw up myself, but also rooted to the spot with a scary impulse to don my chick-printed apron ( also awesome and manly) and start cleaning (and maybe sterilising) the porch (and my cute – err, awesome – chick slippers) then and there.

Damn, this has to be what West feels like.

Actually, I never cleaned back home, since that was unawesome and I, of course, was anything but. But ever since I moved in with Francis, I realised that maybe cleaning was not that unawesome, after all. (2)

Anyway, what Al said started becoming clear.

" I like Ivan but he doesn't like me what do Ido oh God my bum hurts damn you Francis ("W-A-Y too much information, dude!" I protested ) oh no oh no I just want to – Censored – Ivan ("B-A-D mental Images !") and oh God Arthur I hate you my neck is gonna bruise ( "FOR GOTT'S SAKE DUDE SHUT UP! YOU'RE GIVING ME MENTAL TRAUMA!" ) And oh Ivan I - "

It was worse than listening to him after having made him watch a marathon of Japanese horror movies for a week for God's sake!

So to shut him up, I said, " Kesesese Al, you are a pretty awesome kid, and I will help you since I am just that awesome ( which of course everyone already knows so I didn't need to really point it out but I felt like so I did anyway and it shouldn't matter 'cos I am awesome) , but only if you shut up first."

Yeah, it was to just to shut him up. Not because he looked so darn much like a kicked puppy.

Al immediately brightened up, making the suspicion that he had been only faking it all along rear its head in my sromach.

I will admit it. Maybe the Awesome Me had really been taken for a ride.

B-but only becauseI can't resist cute things like fluffy chickens and puppy eyes.

And thats only because I am just too awesome, so shut it.

Yeah, thats it...

And so began my not so slow spiral into Doom

A/N:Yay! I started another multi-chapter /is shot/

Somehow I think he's not really as full of himself as he seems to be. He just acts that way 'cos it protects him from the outside world.

Also...

THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR HELL YEAH! Russia was one of the first to acknowledge the Union. Scarlett is the representation of the Confederates. Thats why I mentioned Al getting his apartment back. Named after Scarlett O'Hara from Gone With the Wind.

Prussia was a military state, after all. And his Wiki Page said something about his Real Nature being that of a diligent and punctual soldier that got shrouded by his natural rebelliousness. So, I think that while there were people to clean up after him, he would deliberately make messes, but if he is forced to leave alone, or with someone who is also very messy, he would get into "Clean and Organise and Discipline" Mode.

What else...that time Gil and Fran took Al in was the American War of Revolution, if you can't tell.

Excuse me for messing around with History, but having far too much fun to stop /is bricked/

NOT SO SUBTLE BRIBE: Review, and I will return the favour if you have a story in a fandom I know.