Hey guys! I'm back in town finally! So I'll be uploading more stories and stuff now, I know that I haven't updated my last story, but I promise! The chapter is almost done. But I decided to write another fic… This one is a little more…. Deep I guess… please bear with me, it's going to be in first person which will be my first EVER fanfic that I've written in first person… I figured it gives me a more deep connection with the characters for this particular story. Anyway… I really hope you guys enjoy it, and please rate and review! Well… Here goes nothing!

Disclaimer: I don't own Hey Arnold!

[Chapter 1: My lips are sealed]

It was a dark and dreary day in the oh so charming town of Hillwood. The residents of this town could be seen scrambling around, trying desperately to get to their homes and out of the rain…. Probably had loving families to get to, maybe make dinner and have hot chocolate by a warm fire. I never knew such a warm feeling…. School had just gotten out, and due to a long and grueling chat with my algebra teacher, I just so happened to miss my bus… Damning me to walk home… In the rain… "Stupid Bob… Maybe if he'd invest even the smallest dollar into getting me an umbrella this wouldn't be such a big deal" I mumbled bitterly to myself as I walked down the street in the direction of my home. I walked faster as the rain started to pour harder, and the minute I turned a corner I slammed right into another body and fell back into a muddy puddle. "Oh, sorry Helga!" came the most angelic voice, I was in a daze. I looked up to see a boy with an oblong head and I smiled weakly. It was him… The boy of my dreams, the reason that I even breathed, the only motivation for my being. He was the only reason I could even pull myself out of bed every morning, without him, I'd be nothing, without him, I'd surely be dead. "Arnold…" I managed to speak as I grabbed his outstretched hand, he helped me up. I had a mixture of mud and water trickling down my rear and I sighed heavily, my hair becoming wetter and wetter. He held his umbrella over my head as he had so kindly done many times before, and I smiled thankfully. He walked with me in silence.

It had been seven years since our adventures in San Lorenzo, and my beloved had planned on staying in the jungle after I had so humbly returned his parents to him. However, Stella and Miles' time in the jungle were numbered and they decided that they needed to come home and watch their son grow up. They had already missed out on part of his life and it was not something they would allow to happen any further. I was eternally grateful to them for that… They were not going to snatch the love of my life from me any time soon, and he'd be here for me to rely on if I was ever in need. After our fifth grade year, Mr. Simmons had gone off to teach a college class, it was more his calling and we were all happy for him. When I say "we" I mean the whole gang, Arnold, Gerald, Phoebe, Rhonda, Harold, Lila, Curly, Brainy… You get what I mean… Yeah, they were all still around, we all go to the same high school together and are tighter than ever. I would usually sleep over at Phoebe's on the weekends, maybe sometimes during the week too… Any excuse to get away from my family I took. Phoebe and Gerald, well as you already knew are together… Have been since the fifth grade, and I wouldn't doubt that they are destined to get married and live a happy life with a happy family… Something I would never be able to say for myself… And as for Arnold and I… Well… We've become a lot closer; I dropped the "bully" act after I helped Arnold find his parents… He felt some need to repay me, and we had been very close ever since.

"Helga…." I was pulled back down to earth, realizing I was standing on the stoop of my home… If I could even call it that. I looked over at Arnold who seemed distraught "Yes?" I said in a more monotone voice and he sighed softly. "You feeling alright? You've seemed… more sad than usual lately…" he said nervously as he rubbed his arm idly. "I'm fine, football head… just the same ol' same ol' as usual I dread going home…" I said softly, eyeing my front door. He gave me an understanding nod and his kindhearted interior began to kick in and I'm sure he felt obligated…. "Well, would you like to come over for dinner, Helga? You know my mom is always happy to have you" he said with a genuine smile, but I knew he only invited me because he felt sorry for me. I always felt that I was some sort of charity case to him and his family; they only treated me like I was part of the family because they felt like they owed me something…. That wasn't it at all… They never owed me anything; everything I had done was always out of love for the one boy who brightened my darkest day. I hated imposing on them, I hated to become their burden, but I felt safe with them, I felt whole… I had to accept his offer. "Thanks, Arnold… But you don't have to…" I was cut off by his hand covering my mouth. "Helga, I know I don't have to, I want to" he said with a smile and we walked towards the boarding house.

The door to the Sunset Arms boarding house flung open and a worried looking woman yanked me inside "Helga! Look at you, you're soaking wet! And my lord, what happened to your jeans?" Stella's motherly instinct was kicking in. I loved it when that happened, it made me feel… loved… "We are going to go find you something warm to wear this instant" she said taking my hand and pulling me towards her bedroom. I could see Arnold snickering as his mother dragged me off into her bedchamber; I sighed and did as I was told. Although Stella was as sweet as honey, she could be something fierce if you denied her when she put her foot down; I had learned that the hard way. We were standing in front of her closet and she fumbled through her older clothing before pulling out a pair of black jeans and holding them up to me. "These, try them on" she said with a warm smile and I took off my muddied blue jeans, replacing them with her black ones. They fit a little tight, but she was a lot thinner than I was…. At least that's what I thought, even if it wasn't true. I only weighed in at 100 and I stood at 5"7' She smiled at my appearance, nodding in approval. "They look fantastic on you, I love them" she praised, but soon her happy gaze turned to concern as she continued to look me up and down. "You're looking rather thin these days… Are you feeling alright?" she asked and placed her hand on my shoulder. I felt my heart sink and my face go white. My heart started to pound nervously but I faked a smile "Yes, I'm fine, why wouldn't I be fine?" I laughed nervously and rubbed the back of my neck. I could tell she wanted to press the issue, but due to her sweet nature she knew it wasn't her place to pry and she dropped the topic. She smiled warmly and hugged me tight before we walked out of her room and towards the kitchen.

I swallowed a large lump in my throat as Arnold's gaze turned to me, a rather large grin plastered across his beautiful football face. "You look great, Helga" he said motioning for me to sit next to him, I did. I glanced around the room and sighed deeply to myself. Most of the boarders had moved on and moved out, Mr. Kokoschka and Suzy had gotten divorced, she moved out and he stayed for a while before almost bankrupting the family, they had no choice but to get rid of him. Mr. Huynh and his daughter had moved into a house, and Ernie was the only one really left. He was older now, his hear was starting to grey out and he had retired from his job, but he had a retirement fund saved up and he was well provided for… However, he was comfortable in the boarding house and had adopted Arnold's family as his own. Aside from him, there was a whole new crowd of boarders. That was one of the perks to growing up… People moved on… And I had so desperately hoped that I would be able to hold onto Arnold for as long as possible. His grandmother, who had been showing signs of senility, now had full blown dementia and Alzheimer's disease, it was very sad, and I wouldn't doubt that she was nearing the end of her days… She sat staring off into the distance as Miles tried to feed her, every now and then she would ask who he was "I'm your son, mom now you got to eat" He said as he held a spoon up to her mouth and she took a bite. "Well, that's nice… I've always wanted a son… Who are you?" she asked, he just sighed and kept feeding her. I tried not to stare and just stared down at the food on my own plate. Mashed potatoes, brisket, asparagus, and a wheat roll. I gulped nervously and slid my fork around my plate.

I looked up at Grandpa Phil. He was sitting at the table in a wheelchair… He had suffered from a stroke a couple years back and lost the ability to move the entire left side of his body… He struggled with most tasks such as bathing, and eating, but he got himself by, refusing any help that was offered to him by his children or Arnold. He was such a prideful old man, and I had to admit, I admired his determination even though I knew that he too, was nearing the end of his days. I could see that Arnold as well, could sense the cold breath of death would soon be creeping down the necks of his dear grandparents… It was only a matter of time… But in the meantime, everyone just wanted to enjoy their company while it lasted. They all laughed and chatted as they joyfully shoveled food down their throats, and I just sat in silence, still moving the food around my plate with my fork. I stared down as I mixed the food together in swirls of greens, browns, and whites; I snapped my head up when I heard Miles clear his throat. "You haven't touched your plate, Helga… Are you feeling alright?" he asked. I noticed Arnold and Stella turn to look at each other and then at me, everyone awaiting my reply. "Oh, right… Yes, I'm fine… I guess I'm just thinking about my homework" I lied and spooned a small bit of food into my mouth, forcing a smile as the food slid down my aching throat. Their looks of concern faded into smiles of relief and continued to chat amongst themselves. I slowly consumed every last bit of food on my plate, tempted to lick the white porcelain clean… But I held my temptations back.

After dinner, I helped Stella clear the table and wash the dishes as the boarders joined each other in the living room after Arnold had put his grandparents to bed. Stella turned to look at me once we were alone "You know, Helga… you can talk to me if you ever need to… I know what it's like to be a struggling teenager…" she said humbly and I just smiled "Thank you Mrs. Shortman… But I really am fine… I'm just stressed out with finals coming up and all…" I lied again… I felt so awful lying to my beloved's parents… But, I couldn't let anyone know what was bugging me… Especially not them… They would never understand… "Well, alright… But my offer always stands… and you can call me Stella" she said with a smile and walked out of the kitchen as Arnold walked in. I swallowed a huge lump in my throat when he flashed me that beautiful half lidded smile, my knees felt weak. "You want to go up to my room and work on that homework?" he asked sweetly, but I had to decline "I would love to, but if I stay out too late, Bob will have a cow" I said sadly. Arnold frowned in disappointment but he understood "Alright, let me get the keys from my dad and I'll drive you home" he said leaving the room. He soon returned with the keys to the Packard and we left the house.

We drove in silence for a while before Arnold turned to me "Helga… If you need to talk about anything at all…" he began to say but I grew impatient with that same sentence over and over again. I didn't want to talk! To him, or to anyone! "Save it, football head! I'm fine!" I barked in anger before turning my gaze to the rain tapping on the passenger window. Arnold knew better than to pry, he was happy that we had become such close friends, and I knew that he didn't want to see me shut down as I had done so many times before so he knew to drop the subject when he needed to. He plugged his IPod into the radio and put on "The sea is a good place to think of the future" by "Los Campesinos!" For some reason he always played that song when I was around and it really bugged me, as much as I loved that band. I cringed as the front man began to sing the opening verse.

"I grabbed a hold of her wrist

And my hand closed from tip to tip;

I said you're taking the diet too far,

You've got to let it slip,

But she's not eating again,

She's not eating again,

She's not eating again,

She's not eating again"

I sighed as we pulled up to my house and opened the door to the car. Arnold smiled warmly at me "My dad said I could take the Packard to school tomorrow, do you want a ride in the morning?" I nodded thankfully and smiled in gratitude "Okay, sounds great, see you at seven sharp" he said as I got out of the Packard and walked up to my door. He waited for me to open the door and walk inside before waving and driving off. I sighed deeply to myself; he would make a fantastic lover to any girl lucky enough to have him. It was sad, because I knew deep inside that I would never be that girl… If anything, I was just holding him back… I loved him so much, but I didn't deserve him… I was worthless, I was nothing, and I had no motivation, no goals… If death ever came for me, I would humbly accept him with arms wide open. However, Arnold was the only reason I continued to push, I didn't want to leave him behind… I'd want to be there to help him through anything… He was always there for others, he was always happy, always looking on the bright side, even through the saddest of events. I envied him, I wanted to be him, I wanted him…. Even just thinking about it made me sick…

"And where have you been, little lady?" Big Bob raged as he stomped through the living room and towards me. "I was having dinner at Arnold's house, since Miriam is always too drunk to ever cook in this damned house!" I snarled. "That's no way to talk about your mother, Olga! And besides, you never eat anyway!" he growled, testing me. I was beginning to grow angrier and finally snapped "It's HELGA, DAD! And what do you care where I was anyway! You can't even get my name right!" I yelled in his face. "That's it; I've had it with you! Go to your room, you're grounded!" he yelled right back and I stomped up the stairs to my room. "Already ten steps ahead of you!" I shouted and slammed the door to my room. I was so angry, so hurt, I hated that man with a passion… Why couldn't I have parents like Miles, and Stella? I finally broke down, falling to the floor with tears in my eyes. "What is wrong with you, Helga! Look at you! You're pathetic!" I cried, soon dragging myself to the bathroom across the hall from my room. I shut the door behind me and turned to look at myself in the mirror.

My long, and once voluminous hair, was now just stringy and dingy looking. I lifted up my shirt and stared down at my stomach that seemed to bloat out almost a million feet in front of me, I cried at the sight. 'Look at what a fat, disgusting pig you are… Do you think that Arnold could ever love such a cow? I'm very disappointed in you, Helga…. I thought you had more control than that awful performance you showed at dinner tonight….' A voice inside my head spoke to me "But… they were asking questions…. I had to…" I spoke back to myself. 'There were plenty of excuses…. You know what to do….' The voice called back to me. I sniffled to myself, trying desperately to hold back tears. I stripped naked and tied my stringy blonde hair up into a pony tail. I knelt down beside the shiny white porcelain, sticking my face into the bowl, the smell of toilet water gagging me slightly. I shoved my fingers down my throat, wrenching violently until the food from earlier began to spew out into the crystal water. When it was all out of my stomach I stood up weakly and flushed the toilet, watching the half digested food swirl down the drain. I felt almost high, my endorphins all out of whack, I felt better, happy for a brief moment.

That happiness and relief soon faded the minute I gazed at my naked body in the mirror…. My hip bones protruded out, the only thing covering them was my grayish flesh. I had the chest of a little boy, and my arms were stringy noodles that could barely even lift ten pound weights. My collar bone stuck out, and so did the bones in my chest. My thighs had a large gap between them, and I could almost close my fingers around them. To mostly everyone, they would see a very thin, very sickly looking young woman… but to me…. All I could see was a fat, ugly cow…. I disgusted myself…. And I probably disgusted everyone else too….

I needed to just die already….

Wow…. This was really, REALLY hard for me to write…. I hope you guys enjoy and please don't leave me nasty reviews O.O

Anyway, this definitely will be more of a sad story… But do not fret! There will be a lot of happy times too! Don't knock it till you try it!

Please, rate and review!

Lots of love!