This piece of crack!fic came out of an RP I was doing on tumblr with another Bert (I'm the-cheeky-sweep and Bert 1 is simply-bert). We got to talking, then some side out of character stuff went on and we were discussing what would happen if Bert ever got beamed up to the Starship Enterprise. And then, I had an epiphany: Scotty is TOTALLY Mary and Bert's 10 times great-grandson. IT JUST MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. So then...this happened. *head desk*
It had started out as a perfectly ordinary day for Bert Alfred. He was in the park making some lovely chalk drawings (if the coins in his cap were anything to go by) and waiting for Mary to come by when he saw the three men walking through the park.
There was something strange about them. They seemed...uncomfortable somehow and Bert thought that some of their clothes were rather oddly mismatched. One of them, an older man with dark hair, was wearing a dinner jacket. No one wore dinner jackets before five in the afternoon! And there were the patterns. Gentleman wore such things, but mostly the young dandies and all three of these men were well over 30 if he had to make a guess.
Then, there was the way they were behaving. They were careful to keep their voices low, unable to be heard over the sounds of the children playing and women gossiping as they moved through the park.
The man with the light brown hair was obviously the leader, and Bert couldn't help but wonder if they were members of some new London gang he hadn't heard about yet.
And then, there was the third man. His hair was black, and cut very severely. His features were pale, so pale that Bert pursed his lips and privately thought that this poor bloke must have consumption something fierce. His face was angular and almost suggested something...fey, or otherwordly. A cap was artfully placed on his head but even from this distance, Bert could see that his ears weren't quite right.
Frowning, he jammed his chalks into the little carry case he'd repaired more times than he could count and began to follow the men. He heard the strange looking man address the leader as "Captain" while the older man was "Dr. McCoy."
"Doctor me bleedin' arse." Bert muttered under his breath.
He heard some words that didn't make sense, about "the ship" and "time to transport." What on earth did any of this mean?
Swinging himself up into a tree, he tried to get as close as he could. The "captain" took a little box from his pocket and said, "Kirk to Enterprise. Beam us up, Mr. Kyle."
Eyes wide, Bert tried to scramble back, but the branch broke, dropping him straight onto the "doctor". A strange noise was all he heard before the world melted away.
This mission had been a disaster from the start. Captain James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise had endured a lot during his service with Starfleet. But an eavesdropping man falling onto his chief medical officer as they were starting to be transported had not been one of those things!
The man had immediately jumped off of Bones, apologizing in a thick Cockney accent that they could barely understand. They were able to tell that his name was Bert Alfred, but much more than that eluded them and not even the universal translator was helping!
As Bones rubbed his hip, he muttered, "Maybe we should get Scotty up here. Maybe he can tell us what Bert here is saying!"
Jim considered this. Scotty was from around the same area of the world. And as someone with an accent himself, he might be able to give them more insight. Walking briskly to the con system, he pushed the button. "Engine room, Scotty are you there?"
"Aye Captain." came the brogue of his chief engineer. "What is it that you're needin'?"
"We have a...bit of a situation here in transporter room 3. Could you come up?"
"Be right there, sir. Was Dr. McCoy touchin' the controls again?"
Bones growled and Jim suppressed a laugh. Scotty still hadn't let the doctor live that one down. "No Scotty, this is rather more unique. I'll explain when you get there."
"Aye aye, sir. Scott out."
Releasing the button, Jim found their visitor staring at him, agog. "Blimey..." he breathed and Jim stood there, looking at him. That word he understood!
Scotty was as good as his word and arrived quickly, but today was another day of firsts. As soon as the Scotsman caught sight of this Bert fellow, the blood drained from his face and he put a hand out to catch himself on the transporter panel.
"Are you alright, Scotty?" Bones asked, immediately pulling out his tricorder to take a reading.
The engineer waved him away. "Aye...aye, I'm fine." he swallowed. "But sir, I cannae talk to this man."
Jim frowned. "What do you mean, can't, Scotty?"
Scotty swallowed hard before answering, his voice barely above a whisper. "Sir...I'm related to him."
Both Spock and Bones froze, staring at Scotty. "Related how, Mr. Scott?" the Vulcan asked coolly, one eyebrow arching.
"He's my 10 times great-grandfather." Scotty explained, darting other look at him. "His name is Herbert Alfred, but he was always called Bert. He was a jack of all trades, doin' things like sweepin' out tha old chimneys and drawin' sidewalk pictures for pennies."
Kirk nodded, motioning for Scotty to go on.
"He married Great-Grandmother Mary in 1913 and it was their daughter, Catherine Alfred who married Duncan Scott and so on doon tha line t'me."
"And you're afraid if you speak to him, you might let something slip." Jim finished. It was a valid concern whenever time travel was involved. The fewer people that knew they were there, the less chance their was of affecting the time line.
"Aye, sir." Scotty said with a nod and a small smile. Seeing the engineer and the man in the room together made Kirk realize that they had one thing in common: their smile. Scotty had definitely inherited his 10 times great grandfather's smile.
"We'll do our best to muddle through then, Scotty." Jim said. "And take some time off, will you?"
"Aye sir! Got some technical journals to catch up on." Scotty replied cheerfully as he left the transporter room. Sometimes Kirk had to wonder about him...
Scotty walked double time to his quarters and as soon as the doors were shut, he went straight for the bottle of scotch that his sister Deirdre had sent him for his last birthday.
He knew as well as anyone the risks with time travel. Sooner or later, you were bound to run into someone from history. But one of his own relations? And especially this relation!
It was a well known fact in the Scott family that Great-Grandma Mary had been rather...uncanny. She could make things happen that weren't normal.
Much like Scotty himself. From a young age, he'd been able to do things with engines and machines that no one else could. And even if it bent the very laws of physics, he could figure out a way to get it done. He was perfectly aware that many in Starfleet referred to him as "The Miracle Worker" and that they were envious of the Enterprise's "almost perfect" engines.
The family stories had called it "magic" and he'd always wondered if there had been some truth to it, especially after he was assigned to the Enterprise. Statistically speaking, there was no way they should have survived some of the situations they had found themselves in. But they had. His father had always believed that he'd inherited some of Great-Grandmother Mary's abilities. Perhaps he had.
He sipped at his scotch, lost in thought until the intercom whistle broke through his racing thoughts. "Scotty?" Captain Kirk's voice asked wearily.
Frowning, he held down the intercom button. "Aye sir?"
"Please come back to Transporter Room 3. Your Great-Grandmother Mary would like to speak to you."
It took him a moment to respond. "Aye aye, sir." I'll be right there."
Tossing back the rest of his drink, Scotty fervently hoped that she wouldn't find any fault with him. He'd done his best with what he had to work with.
Mary Poppins had followed the wind, but hadn't known she was going to be blown onto a vessel from the future! She had been assured it was important though and judging from Bert's expression, she would have quite a time convincing him to keep quiet! Dr. McCoy was a bit of a grouch, but Mr. Spock had been perfectly reasonable, explaining about altering the future. She found Captain Kirk a little too charming and had been forced to keep her umbrella between herself and him at all times!
All she knew was that she wanted to see her and Bert's 10 times great grandson while she was here. She wondered what he would be like. Would she be able to see anything of herself or Bert in him? She'd been assured by Mr. Spock that Montgomery (why on earth he was called "Scotty" when he had a perfectly decent name was beyond her) had served honorably and well on board this ship.
The strange doors opened, revealing a man in a red shirt looking nervous and Mary knew immediately that this was Montgomery.
On first glance, he looked just like any other person and a small stab of disappointment knifed through her. Until he smiled.
It was slightly forced, but she could immediately see Bert in that smile. She smiled back at him and was relieved to see him relaxing. "Hello, Montgomery." she said kindly.
"Hullo, Great-Grandmother Mary." he returned. There was even a cheeky twinkle in his brown eyes that reminded her of Bert.
"Great-Grandmother?" Bert asked but Mary shushed him. There wasn't much time.
"Something tells me that you can do things a little...extraordinary." Mary said, pegging him with a serious glance.
He sobered as well and nodded. "Aye. There are stories in the family about what you could do and me Da's always believed that I got a wee bit of your...talents."
Her smile was slightly more secretive. At least her descendants hadn't turned a blind eye to the magic.
Making a decision, she raised her eyebrows. "Are you right or left handed, Montgomery?" she asked.
"Left." came his steady response and she took the glove off her right hand, reaching out and shaking his left. A warm tingle ran down her arm and she knew that he would feel the same thing, though he didn't comment on it. He was discreet, this great-grandson of hers.
"Take care of yourself, and your shipmates, Montgomery." she said softly. "Unless there are events I can't forsee, we shan't meet again."
"I will." he promised, his large and rough hand clasping hers gently. "And you take care as well, aye?"
"I will be sure too." she nodded as she released his hand. Chivying a gaping Bert onto the transporter pad, as they called it, she allowed herself one last fond smile at Montgomery before they were returned to Earth.
That night, while on duty in the Engine Room, Scotty was preparing to leave when he remembered that he hadn't adjusted the dilithium controls. "Blast." he sighed, snapping his fingers.
From his vantage point, he distinctly saw the levers move to the precise configuration he wanted.
Frozen in place, he looked at his left hand. He'd felt something...odd when Great-Grandmother Mary had shaken his hand. Perhaps...perhaps he'd gotten a little something "extra".
Squaring his shoulders, he lifted his chin as he left the engine room. Whatever it was, he'd use it to take care of his shipmates. As he always had,