After decades of marriage with Princess Peach, the inevitable happened. Mario just couldn't meet the expectations of any significant other. Mario was a failure. The emotional of trauma of the divorce left him a shell of a man. And not like a Koopa shell, that could be potentially useful. Mario was
useless. He faced an existential crisis. After years of saving his ex-wife, he had no purpose. His life has lost all flavor and texture, like a soggy waffle. His minute existence devolved from the constant struggle to a bland doldrum that enveloped his entire being. Mario had lost all sense of
identity. Was he even a person anymore? What was his purpose? Or was he just a tool to be used by the bourgeoisie? Mario couldn't tell anymore. He lost all of his bearings, going into a deep depression because of this event. These days his only thoughts are pity and regret. "Why am I alive?" Mario said. "Why is my dick slightly curved to the left?". Mario was transfixed on this sentence. He repeated it, endlessly. For minutes, his thoughts hanged on this one sentence. Had Mario gone mad? It was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Months later, Mario moved from his abode in the Mushroom Kingdom. Nobody knew where he went. He didn't even leave with a goodbye. It was later found out that Mario was involved in an abduction, perpetrated by Nintendo of America. He was kept in a makeshift prison, and was forced to play the Wii-U for hours, each day. The statistics of Mario's playtime were used in a trendy line of advertisements. Utilizing Mario's forced playtime, Nintendo argued that anyone would get thousands of hours out of their soon-to-be-bought Wii-U. Nintendo capitalized on Mario's sudden collapse. If he lost all purpose, he would be used for marketing, as a Nintendo guinea pig. It wasn't found out until a tragic S.W.A.T raid on Nintendo's
HQ that he was being held as hostage. Tragically, while the police were raiding, Mario tried to escape but was shot in the confusion. In an autotopsy, it was deemed that Mario had suffered significant trauma in the hands, with evidence pointing to Mario being shackled in a cell, forced to play the Wii-U. After that event, Nintendo has gone bankrupt. A large funeral was held for Mario, with some inhabitants of the Mushroom
and even the Koopa Kingdom attending. Bowser gave a heart-felt eulogy, speaking passionately and sentimentally infront of the large crowd. Mario was praised for his courage, his kindness, and most of all; his heart. Lost but not forgotten, Mario stayed in the hearts of many for years.