What if she wasn't?
What if she was?
Whatever, the kid knew 'Susan' wasn't right. Every time Mother used that name the kid just cringed, as if the woman had just scraped her long red fingernails down a chalkboard.
Now the new kid, this Lola Perry, she was right. From the moment her upside-down curls hung into the kid's face, something was- everything was correct, everything was comfortable about the control freak. Except for one thing. It was hard to think of her as 'Lola'. So, 'Perry', then.
Fortunately, 'Perry' suited her okay.
One day Perry started calling her new friend 'LaFontaine', which was, of course, the kid's last name.
And it fit.
Unlike clothes.
Unlike LaFontaine's given name.
Unlike LaFontaine's given body.
Unlike the pink flowered wallpaper, it fit.
Perry was strictly by-the-book, though, and mostly it was difficult for her to use the name that fit. It was difficult for her to recognize that LaFontaine was drawn outside the lines.
LaFontaine searched for reasons LaFontaine was LaFontaine. Or for reasons the lines were drawn wrong. Or too heavily. Or for reasons there was only one thing or another, and no grey area between. Biology. Classification. Demarcation.
(Clownfish are one of several species that change gender depending on circumstances. You'd never know that from 'Finding Nemo'.)
For a long time, in public, LaFontaine went with the idea that 'Susan' was a girl. 'Susan' was a girl who was good at math. 'Susan' was a girl who liked to wear boyish clothing. 'Susan' didn't always feel nauseated when teachers, parents, doctors, and administrators referred to her as a girl, but often did. 'Susan' was a girl who liked girls, but really LaFontaine was a question mark who liked Perry.
Nothing said out loud, for years.
Though others could feel it.
'It'.
What if it wasn't?
What if it was?
Boys mostly called LaFontaine 'It'. But 'It' caught on. Fortunately, Mr. LaFontaine found an online high school and pressured Mrs. LaFontaine to submit the necessary paperwork.
LaFontaine deleted all social media accounts.
LaFontaine dove into home studies, and emerged with not only high school credit, but also some college credit.
Perry wanted to go to Silas, because all the women in her family had gone. LaFontaine had a family connection to Styria as well, so, well, being with Perry was more important than most other aspects of college anyway.
Except the 'Susan' part. But 'she'd' have to play the part of Susan to room with Perry. So 'she' did. And mostly it was doable.
Sometimes, alone, late, LaFontaine would experiment with 'he'. What if?
What if he wasn't?
What if he was?
And sometimes, 'he' felt right. Sometimes.
But would Perry adapt to 'he'? They were best friends. They had been best friends. Perry was aware of LaFontaine's… differences. But Perry still used 'Susan' sometimes.
"It's what's on your driver's license!" she'd said. "Are you going to change your name?" she'd said. "What are you, LaFontaine LaFontaine?"
LaFontaine couldn't breathe.
And the next day LaFontaine was gone.
Sometimes one thing, sometimes another. Sometimes somewhere in between.
LaFontaine came back to the vision of the beautiful and brilliant by-the-book Perry fighting literal monsters. For LaFontaine. Monsters, literally. Perry.
LaFontaine's admiration for her and pride in her found another couple of notches to rise.
When they had sufficiently recovered, later, alone, they recovered some of what their separation showed them they'd had, and needed, and wanted.
"I think I understand now, a little anyway," said Perry, "but what do I call you? What do you want to be called, Weirdo?"
"You named me, Control Freak," said LaFontaine. "LaFontaine. Or 'they'. Or 'them'."
Perry nodded, and squeezed their hand.
"You got it," she said, "'Them' then."