The True Wonder of Thedas
With a spring in his step and joy in his heart, Knight-Commander Tavish walked into The Wonders of Thedas, Andraste at his side. "Hear me, lost souls, and rejoice," he shouted, "for I bring the Canticle of Impregnation!"
The proprietor and patrons alike turned to stare. Their eyes were full of darkness, but he would banish it.
THE MAKER'S THROBBING LIGHT SHALL TOUCH THEIR DARK SPACES. FLASH!
Knight-Commander Tavish smiled at the glorious tones of the Maker's Bride spurring him on.
"This day bears witness to glory, for the Seed has been planted and took root! Blessed is he who opens himself to the Maker, for his heart shall be eternally ravished!" He spread his arms wide to give the lost souls an idea of the immensity of eternal pleasure, but instead of being greeted with understanding, all he saw in the expressions reflected back at him was incomprehension, or possibly acute indigestion.
THEIR INNARDS ARE CONSTIPATED WITH THE FILTH OF UNBELIEF. LAXATE!
He nodded to hear Andraste's verdict. "Sinners, repent! You stand in the presence of the Chosen of the Bride, who brings forth the Age of the Child!"
"Are you all right, Knight-Commander?" asked a nearby noblewoman.
THEIR TONGUES DRIP HONEY BUT LEMONS RIPEN IN THEIR HEARTS. SQUEEZE!
"Woman," he roared as he advanced on the unbeliever, Andraste's words singing in his ears, "your snood is a net of lies constricting all reason out of your brain!" He tore the offending item off the stunned unbeliever's head, and trampled it. "Thus you shall be saved!"
Gasps echoed through the shop. "Maker's balls, he's finally had enough lyrium to crack," said someone.
In one swift move, he vaulted over the counter, shoved the tranquil aside and grabbed a handful of the lyrium potions behind the counter. He held one aloft, for all to see. "Nay, I say unto ye. This is the Maker's seed. Blessed is he who has swallowed!"
FROM THE MAKER'S ENORMOUS BOUNTY TO MY LIPS TO YOURS, CHOSEN, THE GIFT WAS PASSED. UNWRAP!
He jumped up on the counter and quaffed the delicious nectar. "Hear this, you who scurry about in the darkness. Of my body shall ripen His glorious fruit, and the world shall be its grove!"
Instead of awe, he was met with more gasps and whispers. The patrons had gathered together, away from the counter, and were staring at him.
IGNORANCE IS THE THE SOUL'S CARBUNCLE. DRAIN!
"I say unto ye, unbelievers, behold the true Wonder of Thedas!" He twirled about on the counter, so that all could see his blessed condition. "Behold he who shall bring forth the Child of the Maker!"
A few strained titters went through the patrons. "What do you mean, you are pregnant?" asked one.
Knight-Commander Tavish beamed at the man. "At last, the light has descended and shines forth from your eyes!"
"Well, uh, congratulations," said the man. "Surely, uh, others need to hear this glorious news?"
INDEED, THE HOLY WORD IS A COCK AT DAWN. CROW!
"Cock-a-doodle-doo, sinners!" yelled Knight-Commander Tavish, as he jumped off the counter, the vials of lyrium still clutched to his chest.
Enflamed with the recognition of his special purpose, he strode out into the bright Denerim noon. Behind him followed Andraste, ever urging him to shout out the joyous news.
Challenge story for a Cheeky Monkeys of Dragon Age forum challenge. It consists of a randomly generated list of two people, one location and a question that must feature in the story. My draw: Knight-Commander Tavish, Andraste, Wonders of Thedas and "What do you mean, you are pregnant?"