Fanboy And Chum Chum: A New Hope
(A/N: I'm sorry that it's been so long. I've been uncertain about posting this story though. There's a lot of major plot twists you probably didn't see coming, even though I've been hinting at them all through this series. I'm not great at dropping hints. And there's controversial subject matter touched on too, and slightly edgy scenes, so I was really reluctant about posting it. Let's just say that when I label a story T, I mean T. It's still a lot of humor, though, reminiscent of the cartoon, which I really wish had more episodes on YouTube, if only so I could see Hex Games and other episodes with Poopatine or Sigmund in them. Anyway, enough rambling. Enjoy. Reviews are appreciated, especially if posted for each chapter so I have some feedback to go off of.)
This Means War
"Oh Muffly Wuffly, you know how to butter up a girl," Lunch Lady Cram sang to the teacher. Mufflin smiled at her, a perfect picture of innocence. Come on lady, show me the good stuff, he willed. "In fact, I have a surprise for you." Finally she gets to the point!
"Lunch Lady Cram, you didn't have to," he replied modestly, but his fingers were itching for whatever she had brought along.
"Oh but I do. How does strawberry shortcake sound?" she asked, revealing the actually decent meal. He licked his lips, eyes lighting up, but he couldn't seem too eager. She would think he was only flirting with her for the food, which he was.
"You didn't," he said in disbelief.
"Just for you," she sang, revealing his name written in whipped cream.
"Well, if you insist," he replied, reaching for it. He was never gladder than he was now that he'd discovered the way to decent meals instead of the glop she usually cooked.
FBaCC
Just then the door burst open and Poopatine ranted, "That's it; I've had it with her! I can't stand that pathetic excuse for a lunch lady. This marks the tenth time this week she's purposely left a giant mess for me to clean. What is wrong with her, Hank?"
"Janitor Poopatine!" Lunch Lady Cram angrily shouted. Poopatine gasped, stiffening and looking at her in shock. What was she doing in Mufflin's classroom?!
"Oh, Lunch Lady Cram, what an, err, unexpected surprise," he replied quickly, grinning innocently.
"Save it Poopy!" she shot furiously.
He frowned at her, annoyed. "It's Poopatine to you!" he yelled.
"Hanky, will you let him talk to me that way?" she demanded, turning to Mufflin.
"Well, I…" he began, flustered and taken off guard.
"Hanky? Oh really?" Poopatine incredulously asked.
"Hanky panky, do something about him!" she demanded.
"Well I…" Mufflin began.
"You aren't doing anything! Fine, if that's the way you want to be, no shortcake for you," she haughtily and angrily, declared. She grabbed the dessert from his hands and walked towards the door.
"After you," Poopatine sang, opening the door for her and smirking condescendingly. She marched out harrumphing, nose held high in the air.
"Fine then, I won't disturb you two any longer," she bit.
FBaCC
Poopatine slammed the door behind her and angrily Mufflin yelled, "What were you thinking, Russ? I was on the verge of getting a dessert fit for a king!"
"Oh shut it Hanky," Poopatine bit.
"Don't call me that," Mufflin said flatly.
"Anyway, as I was saying, do you know what she did this time?" Poopatine demanded.
"Please enlighten me," Mufflin dully replied, frowning at Poopatine. He was well aware, by now, of the recent vendetta Cram had against the janitor. He didn't know why it had developed, just that it had, and Poopatine was in the habit of ranting to him now. It had been amusing at first, now it was getting on his nerves, but who was he to complain? It gave him leverage over the lunch lady. A few false sympathies and pretending to side with her, and he was in for good meals the whole day.
"She dumped the milk all over the fridge then poured flour on the floor. She left whatever the glop is she cooks all over the stove. Why, poor Brenda nearly shorted out trying to help clean it. That microwave deserved to be in the world record books for disgusting. What is her problem with me? What did I ever do to her?" the janitor ranted.
"Beats me," Mufflin dully replied.
"And as for you…" Poopatine began. Him? Mufflin sat up straight, frowning. Oh boy, here it went. "Do you make it a point to get chummy with every lunch lady who walks through these school doors?"
"As a matter of fact, yes!" Mufflin shot. "That's what single men can do when they have nothing to worry about and aren't obsessed with mechanical chairs named after their dead wives!"
FBaCC
Poopatine blinked and looked blankly at Brenda. He frowned, turning back, and shot, "That's not the point!"
"Just drop it Russ, you cost me a good meal. Now I get to go hungry," Mufflin complained.
"Since you like her cooking so much, feel free to dig through my trash receptacle. I assure you, if anything it's an improvement over her glop," Poopatine bit. Mufflin said nothing. The janitor was probably right. He was disturbed to realize he was actually thinking it over.
After a moment he replied, "I'll just call Lenny to bring me something from Frosty Mart."
"At least you have that option," Poopatine replied. "I actually feel sorry for those poor children in the cafeteria. At least I have the brains to pack Kyle and Sigmund's lunches for them. More than I can say for other parents."
"Are you done yet?" Mufflin questioned.
Poopatine sighed then answered, "Fine, I'm done. I see I'm not getting sympathy from you."
"You're just jealous because I can flirt for my dinner," Mufflin said. "You have other commitments." Brenda booped, offended.
"There, there Brenda, he didn't mean it," Poopatine soothed. "Come on, let's go." She whistled in reply and Poopatine sat down, driving out of the classroom. Mufflin rolled his eyes. He supposed he could try the cafeteria before calling Lenny, just on the off chance he could make amends with the lunch lady.
FBaCC
"Tell me you have an extra sandwich dude," Duke said to Sigmund.
"Make that two," Michael sang.
"Here, split it far all I care. Quvit complaining," Sigmund shot, annoyed. He gave one half of his sandwich to each of his friends then brought out the strawberries Poopatine had packed for him."
"Hey, that's a good idea," Fanboy remarked.
"Yeah, Kyle, why don't you share your food with your two best friends too, pretty please," Chum Chum begged.
Kyle looked from one to the other then sighed in annoyance, saying, "Oh very well, take them."
"Yay!" the two exclaimed, devouring the sandwich halves whole. Kyle scowled.
"How again did ve get stuck across ze table from you?" Sigmund asked, unimpressed and disgusted at his rival's near presence. Duke and Michael looked just as put out.
Kyle sighed, answering, "I'm no happier about it than you, Sigmund, but there was no room anywhere else."
"Yeah, besides, we're great friends!" Fanboy exclaimed.
"Since when?" Duke asked.
"Since always," Chum Chum replied.
"Just beat it," Michael sang.
FBaCC
"Clean up in the cafeteria, Poopatine. Oven's malfunctioning," Lunch Lady Cram's voice suddenly said over the school speaker system.
"Poop," Chum Chum chimed.
"Again? Isn't that, like, the sixth time this week your dad's been called in to clean or fix something in here?" Duke asked Sigmund and Kyle.
"Jawohl, I suppose," Sigmund boredly answered.
"Sounds like Lunch Lady Cram has something against Janitor Poopatine," Fanboy remarked.
"Poop! Well, he did try and destroy Yum Yum," Chum Chum said.
"Somehow I doubt the lunch lady would really care," Kyle remarked.
"Whatever. Point is how's he gonna come in this time? He's bound to be out of epic entrances by now," Michael remarked.
As if in response, suddenly music filled the room from the speakers. The cafeteria's occupants heard marching. Everyone gasped and froze, looking over at the main doors. All at once they were thrown open by two mops! A procession of cleaning supplies followed and stood like guards. Poopatine strode towards the room, darkly smirking. Following him was a parade of 'armed' cleaning utensils in addition to the others. The broom walked next to him like a commander.
"You were saying?" Kyle asked. Michael barely squeaked.
"Who called for a janitor?" Poopatine asked authoritatively.
FBaCC
"Poopatine, about time you got here!" Lunch Lady Cram suddenly called from the kitchen. Poopatine scowled and looked icily over at her. He snapped his fingers and instantly two mops marched passed him and to the lunch lady. She gasped as they seized her and dragged her away. "What are you doing? Release me!" she ordered. They stopped in front of Poopatine, and Lunch Lady Cram, for once, appeared terrified.
"Everything is going according to schedule, I assure you," Poopatine growled. "Now what's the problem?"
"Oven malfunction," Cram replied in a quieter tone than usual, slightly afraid. Poopatine grinned victoriously then marched passed her.
"Hey Sigmund, Kyle, why don't you talk your dad into bringing us something good from back there," Fanboy whispered to the table.
"As if he vould be bozhered," Sigmund replied.
"Come on dude, for once I agree with Fanboy," Duke said.
Sigmund sighed, saying, "Very vell, but do not expect results." He rose, saying, "Come Kyle."
Kyle harrumphed, annoyed at the order, but nonetheless rose, saying, "No, you think? Oh Sigmund the Stinker is just so brilliant. Everyone follows his whims."
Frowning icily, Sigmund smirked and replied, "Finally you are getting it." Kyle started and scowled at his enemy, unimpressed.
The two darted after Poopatine and came up beside him. He looked curiously from one to the other, then ahead, greeting, "Boys."
"Good day papa, um, what are the chances of getting something good for the beggars over there?" Kyle questioned, looking back at their table.
"None if Cram gets her way, which she won't," Poopatine replied, walking into the kitchen and slamming the door behind him. The children watched him go towards the oven and open it up, peering inside. "Brenda, wrench," he ordered. He got no response and repeated, "Brenda, I'm waiting."
FBaCC
Sigmund and Kyle exchanged looks then turned back to him. Sigmund poofed up a wrench and handed it to him. Poopatine blinked, looking at the two. Brenda wasn't in the room. That would figure. "Vhat?" Sigmund asked.
"Oh very well. Pliers," Poopatine relented, allowing the boys to help. Kyle poofed up a set of pliers and gave them over.
"Oven cleaner, this isn't a pretty picture," Poopatine directed. Sigmund gave it to him. "Electrical tape." The boys started and exchanged nervous looks. Nonetheless Kyle handed it over. "There. Now let's see if this works," Poopatine declared, coming out of the oven and sticking in the unbaked glop that Lunch Lady Cram had put to the side to sit.
He turned on the oven and the three peered curiously inside. "It's working!" Kyle exclaimed.
"Ve did it," Sigmund agreed as the two stood to converse away from the utility.
"Something doesn't seem right," Pooptine remarked. All at once he noticed something shorting out inside. He gasped. Oh this wasn't good. The oven was about to blow! "She sabotaged it!" he exclaimed suddenly. Quickly the children turned, surprised. He leapt up and yelled, "Boys, move!" The two screamed in terror and bolted with their father. The oven door flew open and Poopatine dove, knocking them to the ground and covering them with his body. The door sailed overhead, but they hardly noticed over the booming roar of the explosion.
FBaCC
Lunch Lady Cram snickered evilly as the children in the cafeteria screamed and panicked when the blast hit and flames shot from the cafeteria window and out from under the doors. Even Mr. Mufflin looked horrified and shocked. Wait. Poopatine and the kids had been in there! "Russ…" he said in denial and disbelief. No one could have survived that.
"Kyle, no!" Fanboy and Chum Chum exclaimed.
"Sigmund!" Duke and Michael called fearfully, leaping up.
Just then the door opened and Kyle and Sigmund staggered out, looking shell shocked. On seeing them, Lunch Lady Cram put of a sad face and approached them, 'gently' saying, "Oh boys, I'm so, so sorry for your loss. It's all my fault. I never should have called your daddy in to do the job. He just wasn't good enough. Let me offer my sympathies over your father's unfortunate and accidental demise," she quickly cooed.
"Accident?!" Kyle yelled, snapping out of his disbelief.
"Zat vas sabotage!" Sigmund backed up, furious.
"Luckily for her, it didn't do the job," Poopatine furiously yelled from the doorframe. They all looked at him in disbelief, gasping. He was covered in glop and singed, but he was alive.
"Poopatine," she gasped in shock.
"Russ, you're alive," Mufflin said in surprise.
"Of course I am!" Poopatine yelled. He quickly got a hold of himself, though, and added in a cordial voice that instantly made everyone who heard it alarmed—after all, since when did Poopatine sound friendly?—"In fact, I regret to inform you, Cram, that your oven is done for. I know how difficult it is for you to make lunches for hundreds of brats, and all these poor starving children. I'm afraid I've failed you. In fact, let me make it up to you."
"Make it up to me?" she suspiciously asked.
"Children, lunch is on me!" Poopatine yelled to the students. All at once he whipped out a large turkey cooked to perfection. The class oohed and ahhed. "Food for everyone!" Poopatine called. "Oh cleaning army," he said, clapping his hands. Immediately they marched into the kitchen and began to bring out a feast fit for a king. Kyle and Sigmund gaped in awe. How had he done that so fast? Then again, they supposed nothing was really much of a surprise in Galaxy Hills.
"Woo hoo, a feast!" Mufflin cheered, instantly sitting down and beginning to eat. The children cheered loudly, as did the staff in the cafeteria.
Poopatine smirked wickedly as they all began to chant, "Poop-a-tine, Poop-a-tine, Poop-a-tine, Poop-a-tine."
"So this is how my cafeteria dies. To thunderous applause," Cram bitterly said, sitting and sulking in annoyance.
"Indeed. And Cram, I've saved the best for you," he added, handing a perfectly laid out plate to the sitting and sulking lunch lady.
She hissed in horrified disgust at the excellence of the meal. With a scream she leapt up to the light and clung to it as if her life depended on it. "Fool, good meals to me are like water to a witch!" she shrieked. "You're trying to kill me!"
"Now Cram, don't be silly. Have the rest," Poopatine sang innocently, dumping all the leftovers beneath her.
"Hank, honey, you have to help me!" she called. Mr. Mufflin looked blankly at her then caught Poopatine's glare. He cringed under it, but this feast was only a once in a blue-moon thing. Her good food was something he could get anytime, unless he threw his leverage away.
With a sigh he rose, saying, "In the name of good food, I'm coming Crammy Whammy!" Instantly he raced over.
"How sickening," Poopatine nipped at him. Mufflin frowned and ignored him.
FBaCC
Lunch Lady Cram stood behind the counter, watching the cafeteria clear out and glowering after the janitor and his two sons, laughing and teasing each other. She hated them all. She observed the trio thoughtfully. She'd never known the janitor to have a soft spot for anything or anyone besides that ridiculous chair, but here it was right in front of her. There was no doubt in her mind those boys meant a lot to him. Perhaps Poopatine had finally dropped his guard too much. In fact, she would dare say he loved those children more than anything he'd ever loved before. If she so chose to ruin his life completely, that's just where she'd start.
She started. Ruin his life? Why didn't she think of that before? Of course, it was so simple! If she could get those boys taken from him, oh it would be golden! Finally she would have beaten the undefeatable janitor. Yes, she would see those boys ripped from their father one way or another. The justice system could be used to her advantage in this instance. She chortled evilly. To the computer!
She scanned through the school files. Finally she found Sigmund and Kyle's records. Looking cautiously around, she opened them up and read through. As she read her frown deepened. What was this? N/A for both of them under parents/guardians. But how could that be unless… Her eyes lit up. Unless Poopatine wasn't really their father! No, don't get ahead of yourself Cram, he could very well be their father, but their files may not have been updated. Then again there was no proof anywhere that he was their sire. He lived with them, though. If he wasn't their dad… then technically it could be turned into a crime! The police, she could call the police! That would show him. Wait, better yet…
She typed some things down on the computer. Kyle's first school was Milkweed. Who had enrolled him in it? Finally she found two names, a man and a woman. Permission given to Kyle Bloodworth-Thomason to join Milkweed academy by parents. These two people had claimed to be Kyle's parents! She'd found something! And Sigmund? She dug deeper. The boy had been left at Milkweed by a woman when he was barely of school age. Who was this woman? She researched the name online and started. Deceased, murdered by a suspected stalker. Sigmund's mother, and she bet that was just who it was, had been murdered. Kyle's parents, however—if that was really who they were, which didn't seem likely to her—were still alive. This could work. Yes. With a little persuasion, perhaps they would return and take the boy home. After all, greed was a powerful motivator. She laughed evilly. Poopatine would soon know what true pain was! "Say goodbye to your little brats, Poopy, you'll never see them again," she declared, closing all the files and picking up a phonebook.