Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine…
Alex sits on the bed and watches her lover get ready. Another time she might be amused at their role reversal. Olivia is usually the one watching Alex. She says she gets a kick out of watching her transform from her soft, slightly rumpled lover into the masked, kick-ass ADA Alexandra Cabot with a simple wardrobe change.
But Alex can find no humor in this today. Today she feels unimportant. Unneeded. Alone.
When she feels tears forming, she quickly stands and makes her way into the kitchen. She blinks the tears away as she goes about fixing Olivia's normal breakfast fare, a bagel with strawberry cream cheese, a large glass of orange juice and a small glass of apple juice. As she reaches for the glasses, she hears Olivia behind her. "Just coffee this morning," Olivia says. Alex looks back with a question on her lips, but it quickly dies when she meets Olivia's eyes. They are not the eyes of her lover. They are the eyes of a detective, shuttered and closed off. She turns back before Olivia can notice the glassiness of her eyes and grabs a mug instead.
For the first time in their relationship, Alex finds herself despising the fact that Olivia is so strong. That Olivia seems to always be able to keep it together. That Olivia never seems to need a shoulder to cry or lean on.
When she turns back around, Olivia's back is to her and she is looking out the kitchen window. Alex doesn't touch her when she leaves the mug beside her on the counter. There are no playful or loving caresses this morning. No loving, meaningful looks.
Alex has tried to be as supportive as possible. She realizes that Olivia has been waiting for this day for her entire life. She understands how hard this must be on her lover, even if Olivia has never talked to her about it.
When they both found out, Alex hadn't said anything. She hadn't known what to say. She had simply waited for Olivia to come home with her favorite take out warming in the oven. And if Olivia had been a little bit quieter that night or held on just a little more tightly as they drifted to sleep, Alex hadn't mentioned it.
She regrets that now. Maybe if she had said something, offered some kind of sympathy, Olivia would have felt more comfortable opening up to her. But it's too late now for her to ever know.
She's shook from her thoughts when Olivia turns and asks, "What are your plans for the day?"
She stares for a moment. I had planned on going with you. I had planned on holding your hand the entire way. I had planned on wrapping you in my arms and chasing the world away when you were finished. But she doesn't say these things. Even if they are clawing their way up her throat, leaving a sick, acidic taste in her mouth. She simply shrugs. "I haven't really thought about it."
Olivia nods and looks away. She takes a sip of her coffee and seems to gather herself. Usually Alex sees this and thinks her lover is the strongest woman she has ever known. That Olivia will always be able to center herself and carry the world on her shoulders. But every now and then, Alex gets the feeling that Olivia is simply trying to prepare for any unexpected blows that may come her way.
"Will you be here? After I'm through?"
Alex is surprised by the question. She's even more surprised by the burning retort that makes its way out of her mouth. "Why? You most certainly don't seem to need me here?"
She bites the inside of her cheek. Before she can make a hasty retreat into the bedroom, she sees that she is the one to finally deliver the blow Olivia always seems to be readying herself for. Sees the flinch and pain Olivia isn't quite quick enough to hide. The hurt and sorrow in her eyes.
"Alex," Olivia calls, but she's already in the bedroom fussing over the already made bed, looking for any dirty clothes that need picking up, anything to keep herself busy from looking at Olivia. She doesn't know which would be worse, looking at her and noticing the pain she herself had placed there or seeing that Detective Benson had already been firmly put back into place.
"Alex," Olivia says again, but now she's right in front of her, taking her hand, pulling on them pleadingly to look at her. Alex takes a quick breath to steel herself and looks up only to see a soft, questioningly gaze. Tears form again, and Alex closes her eyes tightly to stop them from falling.
Olivia pulls them to sit on the edge of the bed and wraps her arms around Alex's waist. Alex wearily drops her head onto Olivia's shoulder. After a moment of silence where Olivia allows Alex the time to compose herself, she asks, "Would you like to explain?"
"I had thought you would need me for this," Alex finally answers in a small voice. "That you would want me there with you."
"Oh honey," Olivia says as she wraps lays her head on Alex's and brings her hand up from her waist to run through her hair. "Of course I need you. I always need you. Don't you know that by now?"
Alex looks up and shakes her head slowly. "No, no I don't. You always seem as if you can take care of all your problems as well as anybody else's that come along."
Olivia sighs, closes her eyes and rests her head against Alex's forehead. When she opens them again, Alex sees nothing but love and reassurance in them. "I always need you, Alexandra. Don't you know you turn my darkness to light and keep my demons at bay?"
"Then why?" Alex pleads as a tear makes its way down her cheek. "Why don't you want me there? Why can't I be there beside you as you look your largest demon in the face?"
Olivia lays them back on the bed and repositions them so they are face to face. She kisses away Alex's tear and begins softly caressing her face. This has always had two effects on Alex. It both calms her, and fills her with such an overabundant amount of joy and love she feels as if she might burst. When Olivia looks at and touches her this way, she feels like the most loved woman in the world. As if no one in history has every looked at anyone in quite this way. As if no one could ever love her as much as Olivia does.
"I feel like I need you there with me more than I need air in the room," Olivia whispers. "When I think of looking my father in the face, seeing the man that forced himself on my mother so long ago, without you by my side, it feels like the room is closing in on me. For the first time in my life, I feel panic taking a firm grip on me. Then I simply look at you, and I know you're here for me and always will be, and I know I can do this."
"But don't you know you don't have to do it alone?" Alex pleads. "All you have to do is ask and I'll be right there with you, right beside you the entire time."
"Of course I know," Olivia says softly before leaning to kiss Alex lightly but lovingly on the lips. "I also know that I won't. That I can't"
"But why!? Do you think I could ever refuse you? Or think less of you for simply asking?" There was silence for a moment as Olivia seemed to think this over. Alex quickly continued. "You must know that I would never begrudge you anything. That I could never think less of you as a detective or woman or as my lover simply for asking for help. That I would be honored."
"No, it's not…" Olivia huffed and closed her eyes, trying to center her thoughts and have them come out coherently. "I apologize if you've taken my silence as my not needing you. I just don't know what to say. I don't know exactly how I feel. I've waited for this day for a long time, but I never actually thought it would happen. One on level, I'm relieved to finally know. I'll be able to look the man in the face who raped my mother and ask him why. Ask him if he ever regretted it. Ask if he ever gave it another thought. But then again, I don't want to even look at him. I don't want to recognize the skin coloring or bone structure that I had to have gotten from him. I don't want to look in his eyes and see remorse or love or hate or indifference.
"I don't want to go because I don't think he deserves to know that one of the worst acts one could possibly commit on another human being could produce someone like me. Someone that can look into the world and see all the pain and hate and be able to wake up day after day thinking that she could possibly make a difference. I stopped defining myself by my conception a long time ago, but I'm afraid he will look at me and that's all he'll see and I'll regress into thinking that again. And now that I have you in my life, I can't allow myself to do that. Because I know that if I were to become that person again, I could never deserve you, because I would hate myself and in turn make sure that you hated me as well because I never believed I deserved love then.
"But I know I have to go because if I don't, I'll lose all respect for myself. If I don't go simply because of fear, I'll never be able to look myself in the mirror again. And I don't know how you would be able to either. And above all else I want your love and respect."
Alex opened her mouth to speak, but Olivia placed her fingers lightly over her lips. "I have to go. And I know all I have to do is ask and you'll be there with me. I know that! But I also know I want you nowhere near that room, that man. As much as I believe he doesn't deserve to meet me, I know without a shadow of a doubt that he in no way deserves to meet you. I'm not comfortable with him being able to catch even a glimpse of you. He doesn't deserve to see you, meet you, or know that the woman he produced could even remotely deserve your love. Doesn't deserve to know the brightest and best part of my life.
"I know what he's done, ever dark and dirty detail. He knows I'm an SVU detective, that I made it my life's work to track down bastards like him. He doesn't deserve more than that." When the flow of Olivia's words finally ceased, she stared deeply into Alex's eyes, begging her to understand both what she was and wasn't saying, hoping she could see the love behind them.
Alex couldn't find the words to reply. She couldn't explain how sometimes the things Olivia said to her literally made her breathe hitch and her heart flutter. How no matter what Olivia said about her, she would always feel humble and undeserving in the face of Olivia's devotion. She simply swallowed around the lump in her throat and answered Olivia's aforementioned question. "I'll be here." She leaned in and tried to pour all of her love and devotion into a kiss. "I'll always be here for you Olivia."