Can't Go Back, a law and order: svu fanfic

Can't Go Back

Author: Dark Wings Of Imagination.

Genre: Hurt/Comfort; Drama; Friendship; Romance

Rating: K

Summary: ""Sergeant Olivia Benson, never thought I'd live to see that happen" Elliot Stabler said a small sideway smile playing on his lips as he stared for the first time in almost four years at his former partner.

Smile fading instantly and head shooting up at the same time, Olivia froze. She would never forget that voice, or that face. It took her a few moments to recompose herself and when she spoke he could hear the shock and hurt in her voice.

"Elliot""

A/N: title inspired by Little Big Town's song of same name. This one goes to my friend who convinced me into watching SVU again, thanks to her my blocking was over. Hope you guys like it, and please R&R.

Sergeant Benson. It felt strange before and it would always do, no matter how much time had passed Olivia Benson would never get use to refer herself as a Sergeant, but she understood that it was more than just a title, it had to be a part of her – it was already her job – and slowly she could get there.

She loved being a detective – and she had admit that some days the pressure of commanding the squad was just too much she wished to go back being just another detective - but maybe a simple change of title and position did some good, because as strange as may sound introducing herself as 'Sergeant Benson' it sounded even worse to say Detective Benson amongst any other name that wasn't Stabler.

Surely it wasn't the main reason she took the exam, but if she was honest it was a very convenient side effect, because no matter what still hurt not having him around to be her partner – to be her best friend, to tease her, fight, argue, protect her, have her back, making her laugh, to share whatever was new on her life, to give her advices she didn't want to hear and every other action that made him essential all those years.

She was well aware of the fact that's been almost four years since he left, she is reminded of that every single day when she steps in the precinct. Most people assumed she simply moved on, kept living her life, as if he was just a partner that came and went away – although few knew it wasn't like that.

In a way she had indeed moved on with her life – she couldn't just sit and wait for him, forever – but that didn't mean he didn't matter, or that she had forgotten about him. She tried to forget him – okay, maybe she hadn't tried that hard, but who could blame her, they spent twelve years side by side, it's hard to let go - but never was able to and at one point she just gave up trying, and slowly learned how to live with the pain of not having him around anymore.

There were moments, though, when the pain was too much to bear she dealt with it the only way she knew, which was diving headfirst in the current case and focusing on it. Meanwhile she tried dating, the first, David Haden, was an ADA, pretty, nice, gentle and understood her job in a way, but something was missing, even if she could not pinpoint what exactly, it didn't work out.

Then there was Cassidy, who appeared after twelve years of not hearing a word from the guy but who still was infatuated with her, and after sorting the entire mess he got into, it was quite easy to fall into his arms. He like Haden, was pretty and kind, and understood the situations she sometimes found herself in because of the job like no one else – once he had been there as well. Cassidy was easy, was comfortable, until Lewis happened.

William Lewis the sick bastard who stalked her, the son of a bitch who kidnapped her and had mentally and physically abused her during too many days. He obsessed over her, tracked her every step and when he knew she would be alone he caught her and made her life a living hell, because even after he was in jail she could not sleep peacefully, and when he died he still haunted her, and her relationship with Cassidy just could not take that much, but it wasn't like she had hoped it would actually workout.

And so she just did what she did best: her job. She stepped up as the leader of the unit when Cragen cut his career short and give everything she had – blood, tears and sweat – to be the Sergeant her detectives, the New York people, and SVU deserved.

Her job was never easy, and she and her colleagues face such horror on a daily basis she sometimes is not even sure how she managed to get up every day knowing that what awaits her are the worst kind of felonies, terrorized victims and scumbags who don't even deserve the oxygen they breathe, but that notion is also what spurred her to work, someone had to do that job and she would do it gladly. And also thanks to her job, even though it happened under not ideal circumstances that she found her greatest joy. Noah.

The little boy she took in was the best thing that has ever happened in her life – him and Calvin, though the latter had been quite the rough experience, but still there wasn't a thing she wouldn't do if she was given the chance to have him with her again, she was sure he would love Noah just as she did.

Noah was her light, her weakness and her strength; he was the love of her life. No matter how bad her day was one look at him and everything and anything was worth it. He was her everything, her whole world and she could not love him more – no, actually she could, because he's her son, simple as that.

And it was with her little bundle of great happiness on her mind that she prepared to leave for the day, the case they had been working was finally closed in the early afternoon and she wanted nothing more than just head home and enjoy the rest of the day with her little fighter, and just when she was about to leave her office Fin knocked on her door.

"Serge, there's a guy in here, says he needs to talk to you. He says is urgent" Fin spoke and as much as he hated lying to Olivia he knew he had to.

Too tired and eager to go home, she simply ignored asking who was and setting her purse on her desk she took her sit once more and said "okay, send him in".

Fin disappeared out of her sight and while she waited for this guy to make himself known she unlocked her phone and began scrolling through photos of her and Noah, and when she came to her favorite an instant smile surged on her face and that was when she heard it.

"Sergeant Olivia Benson, never thought I'd live to see that happen" Elliot Stabler, said a small sideway smile playing on his lips as he stared for the first time in almost four years at his former partner.

"Elliot"

"Hey Liv" he greeted the smile still on his lips.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, her shock having worn out and being replaced by sorrow and bitterness in her words, standing to retrieve her things, and also thinking of ways to torture Fin for this on her mind.

"Think maybe we could grab a coffee?" he offered, clearly aware of the tension that had settled between them.

"I'm sorry, but I have to go" she answered, not able to believe that after all this time of not talking to each other the first thing he does after meeting her is suggesting coffee.

"Liv, no. Please don't do this" sensing the coldness in her voice he pleaded; she had taken his offer the wrong way and he might as well have blew out his chance of making things right.

"No, you don't do this" she started doing her best not to raise her voice, last thing she needed was the whole squad overhearing this "I haven't seen or heard of you in three years, and you think you can just waltz in here out of sudden and ask me out for coffee and that's it?"

"No, it is not, and I'm sorry you understood my offer of coffee in the wrong way, but what I was trying to do was asking for a chance for us to talk. You have questions and I know you hate me, but I'm here and I just really want to talk. Please!" he argued back and pleaded once more and he knew he was being unfair, he knew her, her weaknesses and knew that by being as tired as she looked she would probably relent, and even if it was not ideal at least he would get what he aimed for, and the time being it was what he needed.

She took a deep breath, while she debated with herself what to do. She should really get home to Noah, but wasn't like her babysitter was expecting her this early, and in all honesty he was right she had questions, questions that only he had the answers for, and she was tired of sitting around trying to figure them out all alone, and so she finally decided what to do. She sighed.

"Fine. Why don't you wait for me on the elevator? Let me just make a call and I'll be tight out" she said as she fished her phone and speed dialed Lucy, while she watched her former partner make his way to the elevators.

-/-

They went to the nearest coffee shop and after having ordered and taken their drinks they found a booth right at one corner that was not too crowded and took their seats. Facing each other after these years was not easy, they knew it wouldn't be, especially after their first interaction minutes earlier.

As they sipped their coffees and stole glances at each other when they though the others wasn't looking many thing ran through their minds but one thought was common to both of them: whatever it was that spark that had existed between them once upon a time it was still there.

Checking her watch Olivia began to grown impatient by the silence that had settled between them ever since they left her office. The quicker this was over the better, no matter how much her heart screamed at her how she missed him, Noah was her number one priority and he was awaiting her at home.

"He is a lucky guy" Elliot commented as he saw her check her watch for what it looked like the umpteenth time since they entered the coffee shop.

Confusion settled over her features as she asked "Sorry, what are you talking about?"

"You're checking your watch every other minute, and that call you made sure as hell weren't work related, so I'm assuming he is quite important" he explained and had to admit that the thought of her finding someone was comforting and unpleasant at the same time.

At hearing his words she smiled briefly understanding what he meant. Of course he would assume it was a guy, she sensed he wasn't exactly comfortable with that notion and if things between them weren't so hazy she could easily let him think so and later on tease him about his apparent jealousy, but it wasn't like that anymore, and even if she didn't feel like explaining anything to him – it was not his place anymore, he gave that up years prior – she just wanted to get this over with.

"He is important; more important than SVU actually" she started "But he's not a guy I'm dating, he's actually my son"

The relief on his face was clear when he heard her say the words 'my son', and along the relief he could not hide how happy he was for her – after all, he had always known about her desire of becoming a mother and at that moment, like many others, he regretted not being there to see that happening.

"I'm so happy for you Liv, how old is he?"

"Thank you, he just turned one." She answered and with genuine inters asked "Speaking of kids, how are yours?"

"They are doing good, growing up too fast, but at least now I'm there to see it" he answered and the same gleam in Olivia's eyes when she mentioned Noah could be seen on his blue eyes.

"How is Kathy?" she asked.

"She's good. We divorced six months after I left, but we get along well, guess twenty years of being married counts a lot" he explained with just a small hint of bitterness.

"I'm sorry to hear that, but yes it sure does" and indeed she was.

"And I'm sorry for not making contact" he stated, his voice dry and dripping with regret.

He was indeed sorry and she did believe him, but the sting of being left behind just didn't leave room for mercy at the moment. "I just wanted to understand why. Why did you leave without saying a word? Did our partnership and friendship matter anything at all?"

He took a deep breath, in his head this conversation was supposed to be easier, but what was he thinking? He disappeared for years and he just thought she would be that forgiving? A lot changed, she changed and he was well aware, the only thing he could do was try and show her they – and the bond they had - hadn't changed.

"It means the world Liv, it means everything, but I couldn't bring myself to get anywhere near the squad after killing that girl anymore, it was just too much"

"That I understand, Elliot, but what does that have anything to do with the fact that you didn't answer my calls neither returned them or the fact that we haven't spoken in all this time?" she asked, confusion and frustration clear on her face while she waited his answer.

He knew she was right, and he also knew that as much as he hated, in order to give her what she wanted he would have to relive that horrible day.

"For as much as I hate to admit, during the first weeks, just the mention of your name reminded of what I did to that girl, and no I'm not blaming you I'm just saying that was how I felt and I felt like that because if anything I shot her out of fear of her shooting you first. So yes I couldn't face you at first, and that was the reason why. A few months after that I went looking for you, but I couldn't find you and after that I lost courage" he explained and even if he knew it wasn't the best or the most right reason but it was the truth.

"And why after all this time you decided it was time?" she asked and while part of her was glad in seeing him, another part wished he had never went looking for her.

"Because I spent these last years trying to come with terms with everything that happened, I even went to therapy, I did everything I knew I needed to be in peace with myself, to clean myself so I when I would reach for you I would be ready to fix every single mistake I made" he stated extending his hand to put atop hers, flinching when she pulled away.

"The only way of fixing this is if you could go back in time, but you can't" she said bitterly

"But I can try to make it up to you, if you let me" he pleaded locking eyes with her and for the shortest moment he thought he had got through her, until when she spoke again.

"Elliot, I-I have a son who needs me, a squad to take care, but you were the one who left, and as much as I know it hurts you have to accept that you can't always win" She said as she stood to leave, she was already on her feet when she felt his hand on her wrist as he turned her around to face him, locking eyes with him once more she felt a little dizzy and the words that left his lips next knocked the air out of her lungs

"I love you, Olivia." He didn't need to say more she understood in what way he meant and right at the moment she wanted to just jump in his arms forgive him and just forget about everything but she knew she couldn't, and so gathering all strength left in her body she freed from his hold on her wrist and with one last "I'm sorry" she turned and left.

-/-

Not long after having left the coffee shop – and Elliot – Olivia entered home, after tiredly putting away her purse she stepped into the living room only to find Lucy picking up toys that Noah had clearly scattered around.

"Hey Lucy." The older woman greeted.

"Hey Liv, I know you said you would be home early I just wasn't expecting this soon" the nanny said mildly surprised for having seen her boss home so early on a Friday.

"Yeah, I know, big shock. I assume he is sleeping?" Olivia asked since she didn't spot her son right away.

"Yes, he just fell asleep. Everything okay?" Lucy asked sensing something was off about the other woman.

"Yes, everything's fine, just tired" she lied giving the young woman a brief smile. "You can go home, I'll finish putting away his things, don't worry"

"Oh, okay, thanks. If you need anything just call me" the girl said as she headed out.

"Will do" the detective smiled briefly once more while she watched other woman leave.

Once alone she went straight to see her son. Her baby boy was sleeping peacefully and as she let her hand run through his hair she thought back to what had just happened, and she still had a hard time believing it.

Dropping a kiss on Noah's forehead she headed for her bathroom – a hot shower was always a great choice when you had way too much on your head.

As the water cascaded down her body she still couldn't shake the feeling of regret at having ran away from Elliot, but she also had to stand her ground; it had taken her long enough to learn how to function without him and she had just put her life back on track why did he had to go back looking for her? And most importantly, why did he have to say he loved her?

If he had known how much she had longed to hear those words during their twelve years together – and even after he left - right until the moment he said it. She loved him, yes she did, and it was a well-known fact to her that she always would but God, how she wished he hadn't say that, because when he did and she looked into his eyes and saw how truthful he was it made all that hard not to fall in his arms.

It was torture to not allow him back on her heart, to let him in again, though, was not wise and she knew it, because she knew him and the moment things got bad he would flee and she would be left heartbroken again. She could not and would not do that to herself again, no matter how much it hurt.

"Tutuola, my office. Now" Olivia demanded as soon as she stepped in the squad room on Monday morning.

"Tutuola? What have you done to piss her off?" Amanda Rollins asked trying to hide her amusement, knowing that her partner was most definitely in trouble.

"Something I knew I shouldn't have" he answered as he got up and headed to his sergeant's office.

"Yes, serge?" he said as he entered, closing the door behind him, knowing what it was all about.

"What the hell were you thinking when you didn't say it was Elliot who wanted to talk to me?" she asked furiously, and Fin knew right away he would be dead by the end of the day.

"You would have not talked to him, would you?" he asked and the glare he received it was more than enough of an answer. "Liv, look, as your friend I just want what is best for you, and as much as I think he was an ass, he came back because he loves you and he wants to make things right again, and besides it isn't like you have forgotten about him"

"I appreciate your concern Fin, but anything he and I ever had is over, he just can't come back here and expect everything to be fine" she said and couldn't ignore the pang in her heart at saying those words.

"You two talked, right?" Fin asked, ignoring her previous comment.

"Yes, we did" she answered remembering everything Elliot had said to her.

"Did you get the answers you wanted?" he questioned knowing how confused she had been and still was until Elliot's return.

"Yes" she indeed had.

"Then why are you holding back, Liv?" he inquired not understanding why his friend was so keen on making herself suffer.

"Because I am afraid, Fin. He came back, yes, but just as he came he can go away again, and I don't think I could take that again." She answered truthfully her voice quivering at the thought of him leaving once more.

"No one is saying that you should let him in again right away, because you shouldn't, but you can give him a chance to show you he won't do that again. Take things slow and see where it goes" he suggested.

"Fin…" she began but he interrupted by standing and slipping a piece of paper to her.

"Just call him, give it a try" he said as he turned to leave, but before doing so he added "All you ever wanted was a chance, here it is, don't let it pass you by like that"

-/-

Later that night as she lied on her bed Olivia was clutching her phone on one hand while holding the paper with Elliot's new cell phone number on the hand debating with herself whether or not she should call.

Fin was right, all she had ever wanted all those years was a chance to be with Elliot, a chance at them, at being more than just partners and that had never been possible before, and right when she finally had it she was depriving herself of it because he hurt her.

And keeping him away would stop him of hurting her again, but pushing him away was already cutting away her heart, so why keep with the self-torture any longer?

Finally deciding what she hoped would be best she typed the numbers and dialed, her heart felt as if it would burst out while she waited for him to pick up.

"Hello?" Elliot greeted.

"Hi, Elliot, it's Olivia" she said.

"Liv, hi" he answered, voice laced with happiness and hope at hearing her voice.

"I, um, I've been thinking and I guess that if we move slowly we can find a way to fix things together" she said, and prayed she was doing the right thing.

"Liv, that it's great, thank you. I promise you won't regret it." He said and she almost let slip a 'I hope so'.

"Maybe we can grab dinner sometime this week?" he asked after a few short seconds of silence.

"How about we begin with a coffee tomorrow morning instead?" she suggested, knowing he wouldn't oppose and that coffee was a safe start.

"Coffee sounds great" he said and she could hear the smile on his voice.

"Good" she replied.

"Oh and Liv, I know you said slow, but, uhm, I love you, just wanted to make sure you knew that"

"I know" she smiled and paused for a moment before deciding to say what she had wanted to all these years "I love you too"

END!