Fuck me. Why me? I fucking hate this shit. I thought as the restraining officer held me up against the wall of the women's bathroom.
The other police officer had given a shot to Anna who was being tortured for an unknown reason. As she settled down he picked her up and threw her over his back as if she were some worthless sack of potatoes. Doesn't he see who he is holding?
Think, dumbass! Think! I wracked my brain, trying to make it work so that I might be able to free myself and somehow help Anna. But, being the weak human, I barely fought against the officer because I was too far in shock to do much more than that.
I watched as they carried her away. Her eyes bore into mine, pleading for me to rescue her, needing me to be some heroic figure that she saw me as. But I would never be her savior.
The flashback ended, but the acid-like ball of guilt in my stomach didn't. Neither did the pang of fiery loss that filled me to my tips each time my heart thudded, reminding me that it was my fault that Anna had died. If I had been a man and taken Anna's gracious gift of becoming a vampire earlier that day the both of us would have been happily far away from that godforsaken bathroom.
But I was not that person. Anna thought of me as some great god; as if I was something special. Yeah, she fucked around in the beginning by trying to feed me to her mother, but once she got to know me she saw me as some hero. In her perspective, I was someone worthwhile. But in those last few seconds that she saw me, before they took her away forever, she saw me or who I truly am. A dumbass bitch, who would never be a man.
My phone rang. "What?" I snapped at the phone, not bothering to look at caller ID. There was a pause.
"Jer?" Elena's voice sounded through the phone.
"What?" I repeated, more annoyed. I heard her sigh deeply. Another score for the druggie brother, I thought bitterly.
"Please come home. Where are you?" she asked, actually sounding concerned.
Where was I... I looked around at my surroundings and realized that my grief clouded thoughts had brought me to the marble entrance of the library. All the lights were off, and it had probably closed early because of the festivities going on in the town.
"Jeremy, are you still there?" Elena asked worriedly.
"Ya, I'm here." She tried to say something but I cut her off, "Listen, Elena, I'm sorry for snapping at you. Just... things went down tonight, and I need some time. I'll call you if I need a ride or something, okay?" I only put the last part because then at least she would feel that she had been useful, even though I knew I would not be calling anybody tonight; I had already gotten everything I needed: two bottles of red wine and four grams of purple haze.
"Okay, and if you need anything other than that, you know you can call me, right?" she was still worried as to if I was still mad at her about the whole Vikki thing. To be honest, all emotions that didn't have to do with Anna were like distant buzzing, annoying but not focused on.
"Ya, thanks," I hung up and lowered myself to the second step of the front of the library. The only light came from the small sliver of the moon and the many stars that danced around it. The area around me was deserted as all the normal people jubilantly celebrated in the festival.
"What the fuck am I gunna do?" I had learned that even though people think that talking to yourself will make you go crazy, it really does help a person deal with stuff.
"Or maybe I'm just crazy," I tried to laugh, but I couldn't really get it out so it sounded more as if I was groaning.
I pulled my bowl out, packed it, and lit it. Once I got it going right, I opened the first bottle.
"I am a full fledged loner now. I guess this is my celebration on finally making it to a point where everybody I ever cared about has either died or I pushed them away. Yippie," I said sarcastically.
I took a swig as I packed more into the bowl. The weed cherried as I took a hit and I felt the shit working.
"Damn, I forgot to get snacks." I grumbled. My phone vibrated once on the step below me and I saw it was from Elena. I ignored it.
"Fuck it. She's the whole reason that my life always got fucked up. Mom and Dad died because she was in the car and saw something or whatever. She distracted them somehow and then they crashed. Vikki died because Elena just had to go out with Stefan and then all his vampire problems went everywhere and got Vikki turned. Then, I finally meet Anna, a girl who not only likes me, but also doesn't treat me like shit. We met here," I pointed at the library, as I ranted into the night air. I needed to get this out. I didn't want all this pent up stress and anger to fill me anymore. All this negative energy needed to be put somewhere, so I directed it at the starry night sky.
"We met here," I repeated to empty space, "and we were the happy loner couple." I closed my eyes and clenched my jaw as a wave of loss and despair rolled over me. I openly sobbed, nobody was around and who cared what the fuck Tyler or any of those wannabe's thought? They doesn't understand what happened tonight.
Nobody understands, I held myself close as I waited for the pain to run it's course. Seconds turned into minutes as I clung to myself, letting out a raspy breath, trying to regain some composure. Finally, it let up. The pain was still there, but it was more of somebody repeatedly kicking you in the nuts rather than somebody stabbing you in the stomach and slowly twisting the knife.
I lifted the bottle up to my mouth and chugged the rest of the contents. I was surprised to find that I had already smoked the entire 4 g's. I only had one more bottle of red wine. My hands gripped the neck of the bottle and smashed the top into the marble floor. I had forgotten a corkscrew (the first bottle had already been opened). I stared at the deep red that had spilled onto the white marble steps. I wonder if it will stain... I shrugged, not caring what happened tomorrow. I held the jagged glass to my lips, loving the knowledge that once I was done with bottle I would be totally out of it. I grinned like a schoolboy despite my tear stained face. You are a schoolboy, dumb ass. I thought to myself. I took another swig and swallowed. I was content to just stare at the stars and die right then and there on those marble steps, but a sudden gush of wind caught me off guard.
"What the fuck? Stupid weatherman said there wasn't a storm in sight," I growled, not acting like myself.
"Jeremy?"
I froze. I would remember that voice anywhere. I could feel my heart skip a beat. I slowly lifted myself to stare at the vampire in front of me.
Anna.
I wanted to puke, strangle her with hugs, and runaway all at the same time. She had a weird expression on her face as she walked cautiously to sit next to me. My eyes didn't leave hers even when she was sitting a foot away from me.
"Breathe, Jeremy," she ordered with a slight smile. I realized I had been holding my breath and I hastily released it.
"Are you..." I tried to find the right word, better yet, an explanation, "Real?"
"If you're asking about if I'm dead or not, then you already know," she gave me a second to think about it, an then sighed and went on, "I was already a vampire."
"So what, you can't die at all?" I asked, noticing the slight slur in my speech.
"No, no. That's not what I meant. Vampires can still die, it's just that we're already dead. I think we should come up with a better word or what happens to vampires when you kill them," she said the last part absentmindedly.
"Fuck!" I stood up angrily, I could tell that I had surprised her, "So you really did die! Damnit!" I started pacing, trying to figure out what had really happened. Anna tried to say something but I silenced her, saying, "I'm trying to figure out how I'm seeing you if you're a ghost!" She gave me an amused look and let me pace.
My eyes wandered to the purple haze baggie, and a thought crossed my mind. When I had been buying the 4 g's my man saw I was really fucked up even though I wouldn't tell him why. Maybe he laced the shit with acid or some shit. Cuz weed alone doesn't make you see shit like a real live person.
"Well this fucking sucks," I stated as I sat down next to Anna. "So, did you figure out why you're seeing me, even though you think I'm dead?" she asked, I could see the laughter in her eyes but I didn't get the joke. I grunted in response. If she's gunna keep things from me, I'm gunna keep things from her.
I lifted the broken bottle to take another gulp, but Anna was suddenly there, holding it from my mouth. I was going to tell this little figment of my drugged up imagination to sit the fuck down and get their faggot ass hands off my drink, but when I looked at her eyes, I couldn't. The small laughter that had been there moments before was now gone and replaced with confusion and grief.
"Yes?" I said with an asshole tone. The confusion and grief were still there but were now mixed with anger.
"What is wrong with you?" She demanded. "Why are you doing this?" She pointed to the bottles and empty baggie. My anger faded into the background as I realized that knead turning into that person I had been when my parents had died.
"You died, Anna. People don't come back from the dead," I whispered as I stared at my shoes like a child who was caught stealing.
"Jeremy, how could I be here otherwise?" I could tell that in any other circumstances she would have been laughing when she said that, but she used a soft tone and got to eye level with me.
"Drugs can do some wacky stuff," I laughed bitterly. She seemed to make the connection.
"I have an idea then," I looked up as her, "if I'm still here in the morning, then you have to believe that I'm real, and you can never do any illegal drugs again."
"And if you're not then I'll be doing a lot more drugs," I smiled a fake smile.
"Deal."
She pulled herself up and offered me her hand. I took it and allowed her to guide me to wherever she brought me. I closed my eyes and let her lead me through the town.
"Okay, Jeremy, jump in my arms." When I opened my eyes it took a second for my eyes to recognize where I was.
"Why are we at my house?" I questioned her.
"Do you want to sleep in a gutter? Now, shut up and get in my arms," Anna held her arms out invitingly.
"Umm... No thanks. I think I'd rather take the stairs," I began walking to the front of the house but was pulled back suddenly. "Ugh. Stop with the spinning, it's making me sick," I told her.
"That's your own fault. Besides, do you really want Jenna and Elena to see you like this?" I thought about how much they both trusted me now and how I didn't want to lose that trust, but I also didn't want to be held bridle style by my girlfriend. Or my dead girlfriend. Or for my really dead girlfriend who is really just a hallucination brought on by some good drugs. I shook my head to clear my thoughts.
"It'll be fine. If they see me, oh well. If try don't, oh well, I guess I'll have to show them that I'm a druggie again some other time," I shrugged, but then regretted it when I saw her face drop.
"Hey," I said as I pulled her into my chest,"it's okay." I felt her hug me to herself tightly then release me.
"I'll meet you in your room," she said and went off before I could say anything else. I stared into the darkness where she had left, and then gave up and started towards the door. I opened the door as quietly as I could, but it still made that loud squeak that it always does.
"Jer, is that you?" I heard Elena ask as she walked to the front of the house.
"Ya, it's me. I think I'm just gunna crash, okay?" I was already jumping up the stairs when Elena said," Jer, we need to talk."
"So close and yet so far," I whispered so lowly that only a certain someone would hear.
"Elena, I really don't feel like doing this right now, please," I made sure not to let her see my bloodshot eyes. She hesitated, but allowed me to go to my room in peace. As I walked through the door into my darkened bedroom, I felt my limbs relax to wear they almost gave out on me. They may have, actually, but Anna was suddenly there, helping me get into bed. She opened the covers and let my body drop into the sheets as she pulled off my shoes and socks. I stared at her as she worked, watching her face scrunch up with distaste when her extra senses kicked in and she smelt my socks as she pulled them off. Once both were off, she stared into my eyes and started to say something... then everything went black.