Disclaimer: If Jasper and Matt belonged to me, this would have happened a long time ago…and there's no telling what else would happen if the fate of these characters was in my hands…my best thanks to Stephenie Meyer and Ellen Schreiber.
Jasper Hale was quite new to the whole vampire thing. He lived in Forks with the rest of the Cullens, trying to keep his roaring thirst to a minimum. Not to mention he possessed the power to control everyone's emotions.
On the other hand, Matt Wells was a star soccer player from a town called "Dullsville". He had a beautiful farm girl as a soul mate and never failed to kick the winning goal on the field. Oh yeah, he's human, too.
Matt Wells was excited; today was the day of the last big game of the senior year, the last game he will play in high school. He was pumped, kicking a fake soccer ball in the kitchen wearing his The Wiggles footsie pajamas.
"Take it Trevor, take it Trevor," he mumbled under his breath, fake humping the air while bouncing a "soccer ball" on his head.
But this all felt too fake for Matt. The only soccer ball he had was left in the locker room at Dullsville High, stuck under the shower head, now definitely covered in globs of Axe shampoo and KY lubricant. Chocolate scented…yum.
Matt was beginning to lose his train of thought and began rooting through the fridge. The only spherical object he could find was a ball of fancy Italian mozzarella cheese. He nodded, smiling with delight and began kicking this new ball around the kitchen.
Matt picked up the ball of mozzarella and punted it so high in the air, he was certain it would get caught on the blade of the ceiling fan. Instead, it landed in his fish tank. The ball of cheese sunk, crushing the life out of his favorite clownfish he had named Nemo.
Matt froze instantly. Tears welled in his eyes at the sight of his now belly-up fishy-poo. "N-Nemo…?"
Matt sat on the dining room table in defeat, accidentally sitting on the TV remote too. Disney Channel popped up, and his favorite band, The Wiggles were singing about fruit salad.
Matt's sour mood instantly perked up when he heard his heroes singing. He grabbed a cantaloupe off the counter and began dancing around, shaking his booty like mad.
"Fruit salad, yummy yummy, fruit salad yummy yummy." He snatched a banana out of the fruit bowl and started singing into it.
Just then Matt's mother came down the stairs in a coconut bra and hula skirt. She gasped at the sight of her son "dirty dancing" with her fruit!
"Oh my god, Mattie!" She shrieked and grabbed a hand mirror off the shelf. "Is that a zit?"
As soon as Matt saw his perfect face reflected back in the mirror, he dropped the cantaloupe and it smashed onto the linoleum floor into a fruity seedy mess.
"No! It can't be!" Matt screamed in horror. "Not a zit! I'm melting…melting, I say!"
Matt collapsed to the floor, curling into a ball, crying.
Meanwhile Jasper Hale was riding down the street in his brand spanking new limited edition Barbie Dream Bike. He was so excited, he let go of the handles and threw his hands in the air, singing with glee.
"You get the best of both worlds, chill it out take it slow," Jasper was swaying his hips side to side and clapping his hands to the beat of his own voice. "Then you rock out the show…"
He was really rocking out now, and before he knew it, he slammed face first into a tree and landed in a giant bush. He gathered his balance and stood, still in the bush, only to see that his bike was in the middle of the street. Just then a big van with probably fifty screaming tween girls in it, raced by and ran over the bike. The tire got a hole in it, but not big enough to let any air out. Jasper sighed with relief, when a Hummer holding a clown in it rolled over the bike. Now the tire clearly had a gaping hole in it, and it deflated like Lindsay Lohan after she sucked in too much helium.
Jasper turned away, fighting with all his vampiric might to hold back the tears. His sadness was relieved when he saw the biggest zit ever. He then noticed he was in front of some high school, and a long-haired brunette girl, a raven-haired Goth chick and a tall dude in b-ball shorts stepped out of a faded blue pickup. The guy had a zit so big you could land a hover craft on it!
Jasper marched over, whipping out his cell phone to take a few snapshots of the big zit. The guy turned around and gave him a look of disgust. "What the hell is your problem?"
"I'm sorry man," Jasper began to apologize. "That zit is so huge, dude."
Matt smacked the cell phone right out of his hand, and some hobo in tattered clothing toppled over and grabbed it, running down the street and waving the phone in the air yelling, "Jackpot!"
"First my bike, now my phone…" Jasper complained, but was instantly mesmerized by the mile high zit popping out of Matt's chin.
"I bet you're trying to start a staring contest with me!" Matt challenged Jasper.
Becky came up beside Matt and jumped up in front of Jasper's face. "Matt his two eyes!" She yelled before hiding behind Matt and a cackling Raven.
In a matter of seconds, the parking lot was flooded with students, vampires and teachers. Raven, Becky, Trevor, Alexander, Jagger, Luna and Sebastian stood behind Matt, while the Cullens, Bella and Jacob flanked behind a smirking Jasper.
They began staring wide eyed at each other. Matt looked like he spotted a meaty pizza and Jasper looked like an owl…nothing really changed for the next ten minutes. The competition was heating up, and the suspense was killing everyone.
Matt decided to try a new strategy. He waved his hands and waggled his fingers in front of Jasper's face in an attempt to make the mind freak vampire flinch, but failed.
Another ten minutes. The time was flying by, and being a human, Matt's eyes began to water involuntarily. Jasper was unfazed by silly tears, he was a vampire and was immune to that, so the odds were definitely in his favor.
Matt was getting desperate now and he felt like his head was about to explode.
It was Raven's turn to jump to Matt's aid. She yanked open her bag, accidentally spilling it's contents on the blacktop. Along with the various pens and loose papers were a stack of photos that pictured the principal of the high school in a sequined Speedo. As the whole crowd laughed at Raven's creepy collection, she nervously grabbed the bottle of hairspray and sprayed it in Jasper's eyes, sending him into a frantic tizzy.
The crowd clapped and cheered for Matt's sudden victory. He had won the staring contest. Everybody stepped out of the way, fearing they would get body slammed by a blind Jasper running around like a peacock that's head was sticking out of it's ass.