What to do when the Sith Attack
Directed by Banshee of the Stones
All the people in this film are working under George Lucas and his various companies, except for: Zadoc, who's name is on loan from Traci Harding.
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* Jedi Community Service Video No. 10927: What to do when the Sith Attack*
A field appears, and a small dark figure walks towards the screen.
Yoda: Welcome good citizens of the Republic to our latest video, on what to do when the Sith attack. What are Sith? Where did they come from? Why are they here? Let's talk to our Sith Historian, Master Durand Zadoc.
A venerable-looking blue Jedi Master (apparently something which looks like a Mon Calamari crossed with a Twi-Lek) appears on the screen.
Zadoc: The Sith, sworn enemies of the Jedi are basically Jedi gone bad, as controlled by anger with a HUGE attitude problem. The Sith Wars, which occurred 1,000 years ago, ended when they destroyed themselves, but according to our sources, they are very much alive. Here is an example of a Sith.
The Jedi turns around and a clicking sound is heard and a halved Darth Maul appears on the screen.
Zadoc: This specimen is known as Darth Maul. He is a Zubak and was slain by the Great Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, ten years ago on Naboo, during the "Trade Federation Fiasco". But according to unknown sources, we have found many other examples.
Click. A Pikachu waving a lightsaber. Click. Bardot in Sith Robes. Click. Britney holding a lightsaber, and each of her implants have come alive and they are waving their own lightsabers. Click. A picture of a naked human female.
Zadoc: Oops! *waves his hand* You never saw that photo! *turns the holo-projector off* Well, the Sith have many forms, so you'll never know if your father is a Sith or your teacher is one in fact.
Yoda: Well.... Now, in case the Sith attack, you are advised to:
1. Stay calm. (Anger and fear is the way of the Sith.)
2. Do not anger the Sith in any way as possible.
3. If he has not spotted you, RUN. Do not engage in combat.
Yoda: If, by any circumstances is unable to avoid a fight with a Sith, and is a non-Jedi, your chances of survival against one armed with a lightsaber is lower than winning the lottery. So we'd suggest you either try and hold up until help arrives, or commit suicide, as it is more likely to be less painful that way. But remember, THERE IS NO DEATH. THERE IS THE FORCE. Us, the Jedi shall send our knights, masters and apprentices over to the scene, and don't get in their way. This is what Jedi look like.
Camera pans over to a line of Jedi.
Mace Windu steps forward and does a catwalk walk.
Yoda (VO): As you can see, this is a male human Jedi Master. Beware! Very dangerous when provoked by evil!
Adi Gallia does the same.
Yoda (VO): This is a female human Jedi Master. She looks like a flower but she stings like a bee.
Adi Gallia: *whipping out her lightsaber* HYA!
Plo Koon steps forward: This is a non-human Jedi Master. Beware! He is as sharp and as quick as a lightsaber.
PLO Koon winks as he steps back, then Yaddle steps forward.
Yoda (VO): This is a fine example of a female non-human Jedi Master! Grrrr......
Yaddle blushes as she steps back.
Obi-Wan catwalks his way over to the camera and winks.
Females (Offscreen: Whoaaaaaaaa..............................
Yoda: This is a male human Jedi. The females are like them.
Bant works her way over to Obi.
Yoda: This is a female Mon Calamari. She can pack the same amount of damage as her counterpart.
A human Jedi Padawan, infested with zits while a Wookie Jedi Padawan infested with fleas stand next to each other on the screen.
Yoda: And last, but not least, our shining stars of tomorrow: our apprentices!
Voice (offscreen): Oh no...........
Yoda: The Jedi come in and ignite their lightsabers. We suggest you leave as quickly as you can, as it will not be a pretty battle. If you can't for some reason, hide somewhere safe and cover your eyes and ears, as you are likely going to be showered with a feast of violence. Us Jedi, will normally win, but if they fail, even the Jedi Masters..............
All the Jedi lie on the ground, playing dead while Jar Jar plays the Sith, jumping around with a double-bladed lightsaber.
Jar Jar: MOOIE MOOIE!!!!! MESA SO BOMBAD MESA SO SITHLY EVIL!!!!!
Yoda: Ahem...... If the Jedi Masters fail to slay the Sith, then we have no choice but to...... drum roll please? *drumroll* Unleash our secret weapon: THE CHOSEN ONE!!!!!!
A box drops from the sky out of nowhere and it is marked FRAGILE. Splinters fly around as the door flies open. A teenage Anakin (19?) strides out wearing a sign around his neck saying: I am the Chosen One.
Anakin: *sarcastically* Oh now it's time to face my destiny yada yada yada........
Anakin taps Jar Jar with his plastic lightsaber.
Jar Jar: MOOIE MOOIE MOOIE MESA HURT SO BADLY! NOW YOU DIE JEDI!
Anakin: *sleepily* Hya....... *knocks Jar Jar's head* Now I've balanced the Force.
Yoda: If you are still there, then you congratulate The Chosen One with a thank you and if you are a male, a hand shake while if you are a female, you get to kiss him-
Anakin: WHAT?!
Yoda: But if he-
Anakin: NO ONE IS KISSING ME BUT PADME!!!!!!
Yoda: If he-
Anakin: I WANT AN EXTRA FOUR MONTHS NOW!!!! I'M NOT WORKING FOR ANY MORE VIDS UNTIL I GET AN EXTRA FOUR MONTHS LEAVE!!!!!!!
Yoda: Fine! Control your anger you should. If unexpectedly the Chosen One is to die or fall to the Dark Side, you have no choice but to:
A. Commit Suicide
B. Live through the Sith's reign of terror and wait until the Chosen One's child/ren is born
C. Freeze yourself in carbonite and wait until someone defrosts you in the future, hopefully after the threat is gone.
Yoda: Whatever choice you make, the chances are you'll won't need to make them because he'll never fall to the Dark Side. Isn't that right Master Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan: Yes. You have my assurances.
Yoda: If he was ever to fall to the Dark Side, we always have his wife to hold as ransom!
Anakin: WHAT?
Yoda: So-
Anakin: *shoving Yoda aside* THAT'S IT! Okay lemme get this straight! I am a HUMAN! Not some inanimate object. I have feelings TOO you know? DO ANY OF YOU CHUMPS out there know HOW IT FEELS to be IN MY SHOES? IF YOU SITH ARE OUT THERE COME AND GET ME! I WANNA GET THIS SHOW DOWN OVER AND DONE WITH SO I CAN GET ON WITH MY LIFE!!!!! YOU GUYS ARE WUSSES, NOT US! YOU GUYS HIDE! ONLY LOSERS HIDE! WIMPS! YOU GUYS HAVE GONE ALL SOFT! Oh, YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN SOFT!!! YOU GUYS HAVE CHOSEN THE WRONG TIME TO APPEAR!!!!! YOU JUST PICKED YOURSELF A JEDI WITH ATTITUDE TO TANGLE WITH! I'M SAYING THIS IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ALREADY: BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!
Yoda: Ahem... This concludes our video on " What To Do When The Sith Attack". I'm your host, Master Yoda. Goodnight.
Anakin: *in the background* WAIT!!!!! I STILL HAVE MORE TO SAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Sorry guys if it wasn't funny enough. After a long period of Writer's Block, I needed to take a break to try to get myself back into gear. I will try to release more in a shorter period of time, but I find it impossible during school, since I get loads of homework. I tend to post on www.theforce.net and I may be starting a new Round Robin. Also check out my incomplete website at www.homestead.com/thejammindiscocactus/fanfica.html for story plots etc. Constructive criticism and reviews is welcome. Post on this website or e-mail me at banshee_jedi_13@hotmail.com. -Banshee