Take the Pain Away

by thejordanwolf

"All I wanted was a new friend. Is that too much to ask. Why did she do this to me? I already get damaged to home, but school too? Am I really that unbearable? You now have me convinced that I'm this terrible monster. There is nothing left to say. I have to do something that must be done," Kim Crawford. Based on a true story, that happened about a month ago. Has some bad language.

Kim POV

You see at the start of school, I made this friend. Her name is Faith. We did everything together, and it was perfect. I brought her to my other best friends, and we were all best friends. But everything changes after my other best friend Grace had her birthday party. Faith was invited of course, and it WAS fun. I thought everything was fine. And then I found different. One day at recess (PA) she started running away from me with Grace (My other friend Julie was absent). I thought it was a game so I ran after them. But then I started to think they didn't want to hang out with me, so I turned and let the tears fall. A while later they saw me crying, and Faith ran and started crying. I felt bad. She told me at the party I did stuff to her to make her mad or sad (including knocking a ball out of her hands, harmless and fun, but she didn't like it,) and basically called me a bitch and started laughing in my face, but I never told Grace or Julie. After a while she apologized and I thought everything was ok. Nope.

Another day Faith told Grace to tell me they wanted to say something. She said that they wanted a day to themselves where it was just Julie, Faith and Grace. I processed it and turned around and all I could think was what did I do, am I a bad person? I thought Faith said she didn't mean any of those nasty things. I felt like throwing up, for my heart had been racing, and I didn't know what to think (you don't know what I have been going through in my mind ever since the first time). I couldn't help but cry because I never thought Faith would do this to me. So I nodded and walked away. I was crying and other people were comforting me, asking me what happened, which only made things worse. Then Grace, Faith and Julie came up to me and Grace asked if I wanted to hang out with them. I just stood there. I don't get it. They just acted like they hated me, and now they want me to come. Whatever they were talking about back there, it was obviously about me. What was weird was Faith and Grace acted weird, but not Julie? They were talking about black (silly I know, but I knew they talked about that because of me). What kind of fucking game are they playing? I got fed up and at lunch I moved away from them and sat alone. Then Julie sat with me and said she didn't like black and that other stuff. That was the end of that and we never really talked about it. I started cutting. I couldn't help myself. I had to take the stress away. This was too much, I get abused at home, by my Father and Brother, and my mom hates me. And then there is Jack. WE were best friends last year, but now he is not in my class anymore, and neither is Jerry or Milton. I lost my best friends, and they never come to the dojo at the same time as me.

One day we had this really big fight. So Julie went to hang out with Mika (she never hangs out with us at PA) one day in the middle of that, and Grace got really mad. SO she dragged me and Faith to talk to Julie, while they talked I talked to Mika. She and I both knew it was started by Faith. Last year she was best friends with Grace and Julie, like in a trio. But this year Faith was knew and came right in and stole her friends away. Not all true but I knew it was then my fault since I tried being friends with her. So I felt bad. A HUGE argument came out and Faith ended up crying. And Julie ended up saying to me "Thanks, you r good help with this stuff" because I was helping everyone because I felt bad. I know it was meant in a good way, but all I could think was ' great. So I am going to be there when they need help, but be invisible when everything is fine?' I mean I did that with Grace last year, when she had fights I helped her, but when everything was fixed, I was like a ghost! I have been trying to be her friend for a long time, and this year I get really close, and because of me trying to be friends with Faith, my heart gets shattered. If only she knew I was cutting. Taking the pain away each and every day. It isn't only this. I can't fight back against my father or brother even though I am a black belt. They would just hurt me more. I keep cutting, wearing long sleeves to cover up the scars.

Another day we were signing up for groups for the field trip. It was going to be me, Grace, Julie, Mika (another friend), and lastly Faith. But NO. Faith said her mom was taking her, Julie and Grace, leaving me and Mika alone. So we signed up for another group. Julie being the nice person she is quit and joined with Mika and Me. I was actually kind of happy. And THEN, our group overflowed. So our teacher took Amber and Annie out of our group and into their group, leaving me all alone! And only Amber cared about it and said sorry, and we aren't even best friends. I felt like crap. I had fun with my group but still felt sad. I kept cutting. Now my brother and father found out. They smiled, and cut me even more than I cut myself. Now my whole body is covered in scars. I didn't know what I was doing wrong. Was I trying too hard, or was I just unlikable. Faith called me a slut, and never apologized.

A lot of days at recess they would say they want to be alone, and right before they told me that Grace would say a soft hey. So one day I heard Faith talking to Grace and Annie saying to tell her. Her being me. So when Grace turned to me and said that Hey, I knew I was going to be out. Before they had a chance to do anything, I stopped, looked at them with sad eyes, turned and ran off, about to cry. I wanted to scream at them. But I couldn't. I wanted to curse, but I didn't. Most importantly I wanted to show them the scars, but I would never. When I stopped running I looked back to a confused Grace, the bitch Faith, and Julie almost to me. I turned and continues walking and Julie reached me. She said to me she was sorry that Faith wasn't doing the right thing at that moment. I knew it was Faith just making Grace say those things, even though it was just Faith. Soon enough she would be starting rumors, and calling me a bitch, slut, fat and ugly. I had to get out of this. We went separate ways, I went to the sidewalk, and sat down, all alone, and Julie went to Mika. I wasn't good friends with Mika anyway, so I didn't follow. I never hung out with them again, but Julie did.

Faith. She ruined everything, and caused me stress for weeks. I mean I knew she hated me because somewhere in the middle of all this Grace told me like after one of the fights that she couldn't not be friends with me. It should have made me happy, but I knew that she had second thoughts about being my friend because of Faith. No, I am not jealous. I'm just mad that I decided to be friends with someone, they took my friend, and shoved me right out.

I saw Jack. Funny, I thought he had first lunch. But I wasn't in the mood to talk. Luckily it was time to go to lunch, so I didn't have to. I ate alone. When I got home I ran up into my room and started sobbing. My friends, my father, my brother. All they do and hurt me. I thought God wasn't supposed to give you more than you can handle. Then he gives you an angel. Where is mine? Because I cannot handle this much. This sucks. I hate myself because I always try to be friends with the wrong people. I could name so many things in my life, that if I left this world, I would never miss. But the only one that I would miss would be Jack. Jerry. Milton. Rudy. But we aren't close anymore. I don't know how this year we drifted apart. It probably my fault. I ran into my bathroom and grabbed my knife. I carved a word in my skin. Faith. I carved another word. Father. I just kept carving word after word in my skin, hoping it would take the pain away. Brother. Jack. Bitch. Slut. Ugly. Fat. Blood was flowing out of me quickly, I knew I could end it all. I made one last cut, onto the one place that would finish this. I slowly made a cut, with I word that would help me go through with this. A word with so much power, it left me no regret. DEATH.