Always, Forever
Kate hurried to the elevator, sorry that she had to leave Esposito and Ryan wondering what was going on. She had made too many mistakes with Rick already, she could not afford for him to feel like the last one to know as well. She hit the button for the elevator and pulled out her phone, she had to arrange where they would meet. He answered on the first ring and it seemed almost too soon. She had just looked around the precinct, feeling like she would never see it again. She wasn't ready to do that with Castle, but it really wasn't her choice. Not this time.
His voice was quiet, subdued and perhaps even resigned. Their conversation was short but it had served its purpose. She now knew where they would last see each other but she wondered why he chose the playground. She had expected someplace other than the loft. It just wouldn't seem right to end things where they had made so many good memories; not to mention the possibility of his mother or daughter being there. She tried to not think that he'd chosen the location so that they could have a bitter last conversation and not bother others but she had to face that possibility – no, that probability.
She resisted the temptation to press the button for the floor of the morgue. Her best female friend would have to wait as well. This time, perhaps this last time although she didn't want to think of it like that, she had to put Rick first. She rode silently down the elevator and walked determinedly to her car. She had to focus on what she needed to do moment by moment; thinking ahead was just too painful.
The traffic was typical, enough to slow her down and to give her time to think but not enough trouble to occupy her mind. If going forward was too painful, then looking back would have to do. Her conversation with her father came to her first. He was right; she had always ended her relationships by now. She had always been the one to end it though but could she really lay the blame for ending this at Rick's feet? Could what she had done to him be some sort of passive-aggressive move to force him to end it? Was she really the one who was ending this relationship?
Her eyes began to sting and she blinked a few times and tried to calm down. She examined her feelings again and just could not feel it within her to end things with Rick. It was painfully obvious that he was inside whatever was left of her wall. He had a place within her and when he ended it she would have a hole within her that could not be filled by anything else, not even her career. Her eyes began to sting again as she cursed herself for the way she had handled her job opportunity.
Why hadn't she given Castle a chance to be involved with this decision? Had he ever done anything to try to limit her career? She could not say with any honesty that he had. He had tried to protect her from herself when it came to Bracken but when the chips were down with Smith dead, he had done all in his power to help her. He had even offered to run away with her to keep her safe. She hadn't even bothered to tell him that she'd had an interview in DC. She had to face it; she had been a coward in this case.
She was snapped out of her reveries by the fact she was nearing her destination. Ordinarily, she would be pleased to find a parking spot so close and so quickly but not now. Now it meant that she would face the end of a relationship that would not be easy to walk away from. This one was going to hurt. She still wanted to fight for their relationship and hoped that she could convince him that she was sorry. She briefly wondered if she would even beg.
She was tempted to look in the vanity mirror in her car to see how she looked as she still wanted to make a good impression but resisted the urge. Mostly, she wasn't sure that she would like what she saw in any mirror now. Also, if some of her agony showed in her face then it might be a good thing. She could not bear for Castle to think that this was easy for her. This was going to be nearly as bad as the death of her mother.
The thought of her mother brought another thing to mind. Her mother may have taken her career in a slightly different direction due to having a daughter – or perhaps not, someday she might have to ask her father about that - but she had not shied away from having it all. She had had a family and she had still had a career doing something she really cared about. She had even died for it though she was certain that it had not been intentional.
Kate took a deep calming breath and resolved that she would fight for trying to have it all. She would not fail by being a coward and not trying. She was going to do her best and if it really turned out to be too much for her, she would make the best compromise that she could. She would start by trying to talk her way out of the mess she had made of things with Rick. She opened the door and stepped out and looked over the car into the playground. She saw Rick sitting on a swing all alone looking lost in thought.
She walked to where he was, slow enough to gather her thoughts but not slow enough as to appear reluctant to meet him. He didn't seem to notice her but she couldn't be certain. It wasn't until she sat in the adjacent swing that he reacted to her approach. She still wasn't sure what to say and decided to let him start. She felt like she owed him that.
Rick Castle had slowly approached the playground and decided to sit in one of the swings. They'd had another conversation here and it seemed as good a place as any. He'd thought about what his mother had said so much that he nearly had a headache. He'd also made his decision and part of what he was doing now was waiting for a regret to set in. He thought over all that they had been through, even the bad times since that was part of them too and he could not find it within himself to regret his decision. No matter how he thought about the future or how far ahead he thought, he always saw a place for Kate in his life. Despite everything and despite her latest hurtful action she was still a part of him and his future.
That was his hope at least. Maybe she was trying to tell him something with what she had done. Maybe she didn't see him in her future as he saw her in his. She would have the choice and he would accept it either way. What else could he do?
Somehow he knew it was her even though he only saw the movement out of the corner of his eye. She looked very serious but her expression did not give away what she was thinking. He decided it would be counterproductive to watch her as he tried to gather his thoughts. It was 'now or never' time. Their futures would be decided in just minutes and he didn't know which way it would go.
She saw that he didn't seem ready to speak so she decided to try apologizing. She was a little frustrated at how halting her speech was. This was more difficult than she had thought. Before she could continue, he spoke and his words burned her like fire. Her worst fears seemed to be confirmed and when she tried to explain further to tell him how sorry she was, he asked her to let him finish. She accepted it reluctantly. She had hurt him, she had been in the wrong so she'd let him do this his way.
She decided to make it obvious that he had her full attention so she stared at him. He was not looking at her, which made her think he was ending things with her but his first words were about how he had been thinking about them. That wasn't bad and she could have said the same thing. Then she saw he was having as much trouble speaking as she had but she kept silent as he had asked.
Then he said he wanted more and she felt like her heart and fallen out of her chest. This felt worse than being shot in a way. She nodded involuntarily as she saw things going the way she had feared. He paused as he said they both deserved more and she finally felt compelled to respond. She agreed that they deserved more but she really meant that he deserved more. She only deserved more if she had the courage to face the challenge it represented. It was beginning to look like she had ruined this chance. All thoughts of begging or arguing with him vanished. She would just have to live with the consequences of her foolish actions. Castle had made his decision and she wouldn't trouble him about it but her future was beginning to look bleak.
She was trying to hold it all in when she heard him say 'whatever you decide' and thought for a moment. She concluded he was only speaking about whether to accept the job and it made no difference when she saw him get down on one knee, which caught her full attention. He said her full name and then things got a little fuzzy in her mind as she stared at the ring he was holding up.
What? What had he said? Her short term memory replayed what she'd just heard and it was so unexpected that it didn't make sense at first. He was proposing? As in marriage? WHAT?!
Her eyes flicked to his face and his expectant expression and she sprang up and started babbling about how surprised she was and then she just couldn't contain her joy anymore and kissed him. She still had a chance! He hadn't broken up with her! She had a chance to have it all even after all of her mistakes!
Unfortunately, he took that kiss as his answer and she realized that it wasn't over yet. He had no idea that she had gotten the job and couldn't say no to the offer. She went through another tongue-tied few moments and knew that this could be a story that she would be teased about for years to come. She finally got her news out and he took it much better than even in her most favorable scenario. When she gave him a chance to back out, he not only didn't do that but he told her things that made only one answer possible. She scoured her memory for his birth name and tried to supply as formal an answer as he had given as a proposal.
She couldn't stop her big grin as she answered him and was pleased with how happy he looked. She watched as he slid the ring on her finger and then she took a closer look at it and was impressed by the size. Of course he had to tease her about having tiny fingers but it didn't matter. She was too happy to give him any teasing back but she did allow her anxiety about having it all come out. He reassured her and she couldn't help but kiss him again. He was being so sweet that she just couldn't believe that it was possible for this conversation to have gone any better than it had.
After the initial euphoria she realized that she was not done with explanations today. In fact, her poor father would be shocked at this outcome but she felt it would be in a good way. She wondered briefly about what Martha's reaction would be but didn't worry overmuch. She had always seemed to like her and she was confident that she would approve. Alexis shouldn't be an issue either, they had gotten along well whenever they had been together, well at least after she got over the fact that she had arrested her father but that was years ago.
"I left Espo and Ryan wondering what was going on and Lanie doesn't know yet either. Would you like to come along for the announcements?" She gave him a teasing grin hoping that he would come along as she wasn't quite ready to part from him yet. They'd be apart sooner than she'd like so she wanted to enjoy their time together as long as possible.
Rick must have had similar feelings as he grinned back at her. "Sure, I'm going to miss those guys. I won't have much of an excuse to hang around the 12th like I used to."
Kate blushed when he raised an eyebrow at her but grabbed his hand and encouraged him along as she headed for her car. She enjoyed their flirtations even when it seemed to be at her expense. As she drove back to the precinct, she couldn't help looking at him from time to time and even the ring caught her attention a couple of times. Whenever he caught her looking he just grinned at her and she'd pretend to be annoyed but she just couldn't stop grinning.
When she got to the precinct she held hands with him as the rode up the elevator and her face was starting to get tired from all of her grinning. Her left hand happened to be in his right hand so the ring was hidden from view as they walked into the homicide division. Ryan and Esposito saw them right away and looked curious as they started over towards the couple.
Rick leaned over and whispered to her. "Maybe we should include Lanie, get this all taken care of at one time."
That made sense to her and she decided the morgue would be private enough for this conversation. She nodded back at Castle and turned to see that the two detectives were getting close and were both grinning at them. She blushed slightly and Javier spoke before she did. "Looks like you two settled your issue."
She chuckled and responded, "I guess you could say that. I have an announcement – well actually two." She turned to wink at Castle and he chuckled back at her. "I'd like to include Lanie. Would you two mind a quick trip down to the morgue?"
Javier just grinned and gestured towards the elevator while Ryan said, "Sure" and looked at the happy couple speculatively. The elevator hadn't left yet so the wait was very brief. As they stepped in Kate kept her hand in Rick's and they stood to the side so the others had room. As they went down Javier grinned at them as if he knew something they didn't but it was Ryan who broke the silence.
"You two are certainly looking cozy."
Rick just grinned back at the two and Kate tried to prevent a blush and focused on looking annoyed. "No hints so stop fishing Ryan."
Javier and Kevin made a show of looking like they were settling in to wait patiently after grinning at each other. Kate just hoped that someday she'd get a chance to get even with those two. The elevator reached the correct floor and Kate decided to take the lead and still clung to Rick's hand, determined to keep one of her announcements a surprise although she wasn't sure how surprised the detectives would be. They went down the hall and entered the morgue and saw it apparently empty. After a few steps into the main room Beckett paused and called out. "Lanie?"
An immediate response came from a nearby room. "Kate? Just a second, I'll be there!"
As she neared the room she started talking again, "Did you find out about…" Her question went unfinished as she spotted four people waiting for her and two of them were holding hands and looked rather pleased about something.
Kate was unnerved once again as Lanie studied their joined hands with too much interest as if she was looking for something. Kate was beginning to wonder if it was possible to keep a secret in this precinct. She turned and Rick followed her lead so they could look at the three others all at once. She began to look serious as she knew the two detectives would be caught off guard by her first announcement.
"I heard about an opening in the AG's task force, it's with the FBI. I went in for an interview but wasn't very confident about getting an offer so I kept it to myself." The two detectives looked suitably shocked but saw that although Lanie was looking a little more seriously at her now, she did not look in the least surprised and she glanced at Castle who had also noticed that fact. He looked at Kate when she paused and gave her a small smile and a shrug as a response. She took that to mean he wasn't offended that she knew about the possible job before he did.
"They offered me the job and I've decided to take it." The two detectives looked disappointed now and she cancelled her recently-planned revenge. She was leaving them and she would miss them so the amusement at her expense was nothing to her now.
She realized that she had to get on with it when Lanie prompted her with, "And?"
"I was in a bit of trouble because I didn't tell Castle either." Both detectives looked surprised again although Kevin quickly started looking at their joined hands and smirking. Maybe the revenge was on again after all. She quickly glanced at Castle but he looked calm and gave her a supportive look that she really appreciated. Lanie just looked like she wanted her to get on with it.
"Obviously, we had to have a very serious conversation about that and Castle here really surprised me." She grinned up at him and finally released her grip on his hand and brought her left hand up so everyone could see her new ring. "He proposed to me and I said yes."
Lanie let out a very pleased, "Ha!" Then Kevin turned to Javier and said "You owe me five bucks."
Kate had just exchanged a pleased look with Lanie when they both turned to the two detectives to see Javier give Kevin an annoyed look. Kate could not believe what she had just heard. "You two made a bet about Castle and me?"
Javier looked slightly abashed and pointed at Kevin. "It was his idea."
Kevin rolled his eyes and retorted, "You didn't have to take the bet."
Javier looked annoyed again but when he saw how Lanie was looking at him he decided to look elsewhere and remain silent.
Revenge was definitely back on the menu but Kate decided not to show any indication of that decision now. It was best to catch them off guard. Lanie distracted her by coming over and saying, "Give me a hug, girlfriend." Castle smiled at the two happy women as the detectives approached for their turn but he was distracted when Lanie gave him a strong hug next. She took the opportunity to whisper in his ear "Take good care of her."
Rick responded with a whisper of his own, "Always." They exchanged grins as she stepped back and Javier stopped hugging Beckett to give Castle a handshake while he said, "Congratulations." He continued with a grin and a loud whisper, "I hope you know what you are getting yourself into."
Rick's response was a surprised look then a grin while Lanie gave Javier a slap on the arm and glare that silenced him before he could even speak again. Kate released her hug with Kevin to add a glare of her own and Javier decided to withdraw to a safer distance. Kevin gave Rick a sincere congratulation and an enthusiastic handshake. They all heard a whispered "I was just joking" from Javier to a still annoyed Lanie. All but Lanie turned their amused looks towards the embattled detective. He just rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically.
After a pause Kevin asked, "When are you leaving?"
Kate opened her mouth to answer and realized that she had not discussed that with her captain yet. She needed to get an official answer to that question and that was yet another thing she had to get done soon. "I don't need to report for training for a little over two weeks but I was thinking of leaving right away to prepare for the move. Who knows, I might spend a little time with my fiancé too." She grinned up at Castle and he waggled his eyebrows in a way that made her laugh. Kevin was beaming at them like it had all been his idea.
When nobody spoke after a few seconds she decided she better get things settled about her departure. "I still haven't seen Gates so I better get that done."
"I'll be in touch about a party." Lanie was looking enthusiastic about it already and Beckett wondered what she had in mind. The others said their goodbyes and then Kate turned to look at Castle hopefully. "Coming?"
Rick grinned and gestured towards the door. "Lead on."
They were still alone when the elevator arrived and it was empty so she took advantage of the unexpected privacy. "You were quiet in there."
"Those were your announcements to make."
"The second one was our announcement."
"They were your friends before they were mine. Actually, I'm not sure if Lanie is my friend or not."
"Of course she is."
Castle shrugged. "Maybe."
Kate sighed and pulled him into an embrace. "Gates was very supportive, gave me a glowing recommendation. I hope she doesn't realize that she's the last to hear that I'm leaving."
"You told me before her?"
"The only one who knew I was taking the job before you is my father."
Castle remained silent so she looked at him curiously. He grinned back and finally spoke. "I'm flattered."
She looked at him seriously as she replied, "You're important."
"So are you."
She was very tempted to kiss him at that moment. Unfortunately the elevator stopped and they sprang apart a little as the doors opened. Kate was not very happy about the timing but she had to get ready to speak with her soon to be ex-boss. She tried to watch for any special attention they attracted as they walked towards the captain's office but they only drew a couple of momentary curious looks. It appeared that the precinct rumor mill hadn't caught up to her yet.
When they were getting close Castle stopped so Kate stopped also and gave him a curious look. "It would go better without me. She never really warmed up to me and it's really not my business anyway."
Kate momentarily considered arguing with him but she realized that he had a good point. They wouldn't be apart long in any case. She gave him a quick smile and then schooled her face and took the last few steps to the captain's office door. She knocked at the door frame and Gates looked up and gave her a smile as she told her to come in and close the door.
Castle watched them interact but couldn't hear anything intelligible. He was pleased that it looked like Beckett and Gates were parting under very amicable circumstances. It wouldn't hurt her to have some powerful friends in the NYPD. He saw Beckett handing Gates some things and one was her gun but he wasn't sure what the other items were. He got a little nervous when it appeared that Gates had noticed the ring and he saw that Beckett looked a little disconcerted. The smile on Gates' face was reassuring but he got nervous again when she looked directly at him through the window and she was not smiling. He swallowed nervously and wondered if being caught watching them was going to cause a problem for some reason. She stared at him seriously and crooked her finger indicating for him to come in.
This couldn't be happening. He couldn't bear to be the cause of shaky parting between Beckett and her old boss. He was tempted to delay by pretending to wonder if she really meant him but knew that would just make things worse. He cleared his throat and then went to the door and opened it, expecting to have to talk his way out of whatever had come up. When he closed the door he got a smile from Beckett and he was glad that things didn't seem amiss yet. He was very surprised when Gates smiled and offered her hand to shake as she congratulated him.
Rick smiled in relief and then looked at Beckett again and saw how happy she was and suddenly he felt a resurgence in his confidence that it would all work out. "I hope that you will do your best to make your fiancée happy, Mr. Castle. At least you timed things right as it would remove a lot of plausible deniability with you two being engaged. I also trust that I won't be seeing you as much anymore." And then she had to say that.
The last sentence came out almost like a question, a very hopeful question. No wonder she was so happy, she was finally getting her way. Rick tried to be gracious about it but he was certain that he wasn't fooling her any more than she was fooling him. Their split wasn't nearly as amicable but now it wouldn't matter to Rick anymore so he tried to make it as pleasant as possible, especially for Beckett's sake.
When they exited the Captain's office, he noticed her looking around a little but Esposito and Ryan weren't back yet and apparently she didn't see anyone else she needed to talk to for now. They kept silent through a short wait for the elevator and when he saw it was empty he was hoping that they would pick up where they had left off but Kate surprised him.
"Do you want to tell your mother and Alexis next?"
"I'm not sure what my mother would be up to right now. It's probably too late to tell Alexis." He glanced at this watch and continued, "She's probably just taken off now."
"Taken off? Where…? Oh! Is it time for Costa Rica already?"
"Yes, she was all excited. She left a while ago to join up with the rest of them and head to the airport."
"The last I heard, you hadn't even signed the check yet."
Castle sighed before replying. "Yeah, I really dragged my feet on that one. I finally realized that I couldn't keep hanging on like I was. You made a good point about that."
"I should have let you start by telling your family, I'm sorry."
"Hey, don't worry about it. My family will be thrilled, believe me. I am definitely getting the best end of this deal. How about your father?"
"I'll call him, we met for lunch already today. He is going to be so surprised."
"Surprised in a good way, I hope."
"Castle! Of course he will be!" She relaxed when she saw that he'd been teasing or at least mostly teasing. "Should we head to your apartment?"
She gave him a coy look that he appeared to interpret correctly. "Absolutely! I can't wait to get there." Yes, he definitely knew what she had in mind. The hard part of the day was over and they did have something to celebrate. She looked at her ring again and felt so lucky; things were definitely going much better than she had expected. The future was full of possibilities and she no longer was so apprehensive about it. With Castle at her side, she knew she could do this.
"Still can't believe it?"
His voice was light and teasing so she just grinned back at him. She was about to tell him how lucky she felt when the elevator reached the ground floor and she decided to remain silent. She was starting to hate elevators; they give you privacy and then take it away before you're ready. She started walking towards the parking lot and realized that she'd turned in the keys for the department car. She had nothing to drive anymore.
"Oops! No car. Let's take a cab."
For a reason that Beckett didn't care to think about much, there always seemed to be a cab or two hanging around the precinct so they were in a cab within a minute. She was a little torn, she wanted to tell her father soon and wanted to share the conversation with Castle but if she waited until they got to his apartment then that would cause a delay. The cabbie seemed to ignore them once Castle gave him the address so she decided to just call now.
"Time to call my dad."
She chose her father's number and waited through enough rings that she was afraid she'd have to leave a message when she suddenly heard him answer. She grinned at Rick, anxious to share this moment with the two most important men in her life.
"Hi, Dad. I have some good news."
"It sounds like it went much better with Rick than you expected."
"I'll say. I have a ring on my finger."
She winked at Castle and they stifled laughter.
"A ring? Are you saying that….?"
"I'm saying he proposed and I said yes. I'll have to show you the ring, it's huge!"
"Wow! Congratulations! Umm, this is quite a surprise. Is he there? It sounds like I'm on speaker."
"He's here Dad. If you want to threaten him or something I can give you some privacy."
She grinned at Castle and he pretended to glare back while her father laughed.
"No, that's not what I had in mind. Rick, congratulations. I know you'll take good care of my daughter."
Kate's mouth twitched and Castle noticed. "She can take care of herself but I will help all that I can."
Kate's grin told him that she knew what he was up to but that she seemed to appreciate it anyway.
"I know my Kate, she is one tough cookie. She doesn't always think about herself though. Just make sure she does that."
"Will do. I've been trying to do that for a couple of years now. I think I'm finally starting to wear her down."
Kate pretended to glare and swatted his arm but had trouble resisting her smile.
"I didn't hear any objection from her, so you have definitely made progress."
Kate looked like she was betrayed for a moment but she still had a smile. "If I'd known that you two were going to gang up on me, I would have waited longer to call."
Both men laughed and Kate had a hard time not joining them.
"You know I'm always on your side, Katie."
"I know Dad, I was just trying to tease you back. You don't have to worry, Rick may be exasperating at times but he does try to take care of me. Sometimes I even let him."
"Exasperating?"
Kate just gave him a stern look.
"Um, well – I do try to minimize that."
Kate and Castle burst out laughing and her father joined in.
"You two sound absolutely giddy."
"I feel giddy. I'm just so happy, I feel so lucky."
"After what you two have been through, I think you're due for some of that."
"I agree completely, Dad. I promise I will let him take care of me and I will take care of him."
She grinned at Castle and as he grinned back she finally felt that all was right with the world. Now, it was just a matter of how long that lasted.