This is a very bad rough draft of something I wrote down while waiting one day...
"I've rediscovered that I lack the ability to sit and do nothing. Depression looks over my shoulder when I'm alone. Self-loathing and doubt grip me so hard that I practically suffocate. If anyone tries to make me feel isolated they will find that I already am. The difference between them and I is great, so great that my failures shine. The feeling of hatred so close to grasp but as always I am too afraid to grasp it. Too afraid to go back to those old ways, though the mocking laughter tempts me, their scolding tones encourage me. Is it inner loathing for them that keeps me moving? A need to please? Or a need to prove them wrong? These vilent needs channel into a passive aggressive personality, for which I apologize. The world molded me. But is there a place for one like me in this world? It's hard to believe that I'm meant to be here. Hard to not stare at the floor in shame. Have I really been forgiven for my sins? Or is that a luxury I cannot hope to possess? Will hiding, fleeing to religeon really save my sould from eternal damnation? Perhaps purgatory is where I belong, or maybe this is my purgatory. A chance to prove myself. But why does it feel as though the routines have become comforts. Going through the motions, it really is "loved by many, Im still lonely" so someone.. please help me"
This is the part that I hope to create into a song. It's basically what I wrote above but in a shorter.. song/poem version. Let me know what you think. Later on I will play with the lyrics some more and the music. Hopefully in a few months (after basic) I will record this and post up a link for those that want to hear it.
Too many thtgs are lacking,
Sit here so it looks like I'm slacking,
The company never leaving my right,
I'm always in its sight,
It comes in many forms,
The red one grabs my throat,
Precious air becomes a luxury,
It leaves me gasping on the floor,
No mans an island? How about a female?
Living proof is the burns on my skin,
Look up and see the sky divided,
It's too bright and makes eyes water,
Tears stream down my face as I glance at the failures,
Never allowed to forget,
In the distance see the success,
But it's too far away to spare a passing glance,
Being out of my comfort zone I glance this way and that,
Finally find the darkness that proves a good friend,
But in the shadows I can see,
The true intentions of my guides,
Pausing I look around once more,
Then decide to run towards the tunnel,
Thought I saw a cross at the end,
But is it big enough to hide behind?