Hate is a strong word.
They say hate is just another derivitive of love but I have to disagree, hate is just hate, I hate him with a passion, when he's around me my skin crawls. He makes me sick to my stomach and I have to dig down deep just to pretend I can bare him for the sake of Elena. Sometimes the thoughts creep into my mind, if Elena loved me the way I loved her she'd stop any contact with him, she'd stop feeling the feelings she feels for him, she'd stop putting us through all this unnecessary awkwardness.
We all hate him, the only people that can fathom to be around him are Elena for obvious reasons and Stefan, and I'm pretty sure that's just because he holds a blood bond with him, looking in from the outside I don't think he makes for a very good brother, I mean come on, drooling over your own brothers girlfriend, constantly trying to win her over, the sad thing is I'm pretty sure he has already achieved that to some extent, from what Elena tells me her feelings for him are strong, maybe not as strong as the ones she holds for Stefan but strong none the less. It makes me physically sick to think she feels that way for him, poor Stefan he doesn't deserve to have to share her, especially after everything he's been through. Damon on the other hand deserves everything he gets and more, she keeps telling me theirs a side to him that he doesn't show, but she's seen it and bla bla bla, you know the usual love sick puppy talk about how she knows him better than anyone else, which is fine because I'm pretty certain no one else wants to get that "up close and personal" with him. What a loser eh?
I'm ranting I know, but he makes my blood boil, and if I'm truthful it's not simply Damon, Elena is starting to bring up feelings towards her that I never thought I'd ever feel towards her and that scares me more than anything, she's all I have left, I don't want to end up hating her, but I'm scared that its going that way and if that's were its heading who will I have left.
Stefan seems to know what I'm feeling, when I pass him in the school corridors, I feel like he looks right through me, and that maybe he understands these feelings I'm having because for a long time he hated Damon too. But then again Stefan has those deep forest green eyes that just give anyone the impression he's searching their soul, that's just how he is. Is it any wonder all the girls go crazy for him.
I know Elena and I are not sisters but she is the closest thing to one that I have. I don't want to end up hating her; I don't want to end up with no one.
Alone.
One of those old witches like in the children's books who has 12 cats and remembers all their names, who lives on top of the hill were its always dark and dreary and no one goes near it because they think its haunted by the scary old witch, but in actual fact that scary old witch is still alive but no one remembers her so she may as well be dead. I don't want to end up as her!
Just a year ago ,I had grams, it was the start of a new school year I thought things were going to be so fantastic, I was going to be a new me, it was going to be Elena, Caroline and Bonnie the super senior trio. I wanted to do all the things I'd been too scared to try; I wanted to be someone new, someone noticeable someone who caught a hot guy's eye. Just like Elena, and Caroline.
It's a shameful truth but every guy who's been interested in me, throughout the whole of my school life, has been interested in me to try and get to Elena, even Elena used to tease me that I could have them because she didn't want them, don't get me wrong I'm not bitter or anything, it was just a bit soul crushing, I just wanted this year to be different.
But look at me , here I am almost a year on, grams is gone, because I begged her to help Elena and Stefan, my best friend seems to care more for her boyfriend and his brother than she does for me, and I'm constantly trying to compensate for all that I've lost, constantly trying to do all I can to try and get Elena's attention, to try and protect her from these supernatural beings whom she seems to think are her friends, she doesn't see what I see, and she doesn't even try to even pretend to understand me. One day she'll see what the truth is, I just hope by then it's not too late.
I know Elena loves me, but I've suffered so much, and if that had been the old Elena she would have felt it too. It was bearable when it was just Stefan because at least Stefan was a decent and genuine guy/vampire, but then along came big bad Damon Salvatore and everything just fell apart. She's never hated him, not when she found out he'd been feeding off Caroline, not even when he tried to kill me because Emily destroyed the crystal, that night, had it not been for Stefan I probably wouldn't be here, but I'm sure Elena somehow would have found it in her to forgive Damon. Sometimes I wonder if he compels her to be so forgiving of him, but I know Stefan makes sure she always has vervain in her blood stream, so It's not possible, everything she does she does out of choice.
I'm aware of how much I've abused my powers, and I'm sure grams is watching over me, sometimes I wish I could just disappear, just leave and never come back but they need me, and when I say "they" I mean the innocent people of Mystic Falls. I would be turning my back on my responsibilities if I just up and left, and it makes my heart sink to think that I wouldn't be missed much even if I did just leave.