Characters aren't mine. They belong to Tess Gerritsen, Janet Tamaro (or whoever the new showrunner/executive producer will be), Turner Broadcasting, Warner Brothers, and other assorted important people. I gain nothing from writing these stories but the fun of doing it. Please don't sue me.
I didn't proof this, just so you know... but that's nothing new. :-/
Also, I'm a little rusty writing Rizzles, so I apologize if it feels a bit off.
Marry Casey? The idea didn't jump out at her as the first thing she wanted to do with the rest of her life. In fact, she could count at least five other things she'd want to do first before she even considered marriage at all. Yes, she loved him. She was certain she'd proven this fact over and again.
Then again, if she really considered everything surrounding Casey, and she was, she had to admit he had a habit of pushing her away only to pull her back just in time to prevent her from walking away from him. In fact, he a knack for doing it, as though he'd figured out where the end of her rope for him was, and he never quite allowed himself to get hanged completely, though he did occasionally dangle.
How could he ask this of her? He knew how she felt about marriage. She had a line, and she'd clearly drawn in in the start of their relationship. When they first started talking to each other practically daily on Skype, the topic had come up more than once, and she'd always said the same thing. She wasn't interested. She didn't want to tie herself down like that, but that didn't mean she didn't love him. She just wasn't ready to be a wife and mother yet.
She had a career, which she loved. It was her life, and she couldn't give her life over to someone or something else. She was already married to her job, and she like it that way.
She didn't even understand why this had to be an ultimatum. Just because they were married didn't mean they couldn't both continue on with their careers. He could still remain in the army and move up the ranks, and she was always going to be a cop. That would never change. Why was he pushing her to choose his path for him? So far, their arrangement had worked out just fine. Why couldn't it keep working out just fine?
Casey was the only person in her life that made her feel so confused and so trapped. Each time he arrived, he swept in like a tornado. He went from a handsome, rugged military man to this domesticated guy who looked at her like her cup should be running over at the prospect of settling down, having children, and being his wife.
It wasn't.
She wasn't ready for minivans, mom jeans, and a husband who only tolerated her job, but never really understood that her job was who and what she was. It defined her. She lived for the thrill of the chase. She was a hunter, and she could no more put that instinct aside than she could change the color of the sun. She was who she was.
Who did he think she was?
Sitting in the booth at the Dirty Robber, she sipped her beer while she stared at the ring in her hand. If she said yes, he never went back overseas. He remained in Boston, and he'd probably work with veterans in some capacity. They'd buy a cute little house, have a couple of children, and he'd probably be Mister Mom. He seemed the type. While she was out hunting down bad guys, he'd stay home and take care of the children, make lunches for school, and clean the house.
It should have been the perfect fit, but it wasn't. The whole mental picture made her scrunch her face up in disgust. That wasn't what she wanted. She didn't know what it was, but that wasn't it.
She drained her beer and called the server over to order another. While she waited she pulled out her cell and flipped through a few pictures just to pass the time and focus on something other than her current life crisis. There were a lot of pictures from various cases. She really should move those off of her phone. There were a few pictures of her and the other guys from Homicide doing everything from drinking at the Robber to going to a Sox game. There were more pictures of TJ than she wanted to admit, but she loved the little guy, and she was happy he was a part of their life. In truth, she simply had a lot of pictures of her family, both her blood relations and those she'd chosen to be a part of her family, which is why there were so many pictures of Maura.
One of Jane's favorite pastimes was to take Maura someplace she'd never been to do something she'd never done and to take pictures of the doctor's face. The looks of wonder and astonishment on Maura's face at learning something new or experience something for the first time always made Jane smile.
The beer arrived, and she set her phone down, picking up the bottle to take a long sip. The ring sat atop the table, a shiny mark on the dark wood. She stared at it like it was a weapon of mass destruction. Engagement rings, she thought, should not feel like the enemy.
Again, she picked it up to stare at it. What was it that really stopped her from saying yes? She loved Casey. She liked having him around. It was nice to have someone to talk to, to hold and be held, to come clean her house and do her laundry, who…
She shook her head, frowning deeply. The only difference between Casey and Maura, she mused as she dropped the ring to the table, was sex and the fact that Casey tolerated her job while acting like he understood while Maura tolerated her job and completely understood.
She snorted at herself. If Maura was a guy, she and the doctor would probably be more than friends at this point. They'd been through too much with each other, cared too deeply for one another, and were far too involved in each other's lives for it to have remained platonic.
If she married Casey, where would that leave Maura? She didn't like the idea of someone taking over the things her best friend already did. She liked that Maura helped her clean her apartment. It was never cleaner than when the OCD doctor came in to help. She liked that Maura was the one who comforted her when she was having flashbacks or a bad day. The honey brunette was the only person who ever really assuaged her fears and calmed her down. Casey tried to fix it, as if there was something to fix. Maura understood that sometimes Jane just needed to cry it out or simply be held. Casey never got that. Jane liked having Maura around. In fact, she looked forward to seeing the doctor after work most days even though they saw each other a lot during the working day. Maura was a bright spot in Jane's life, and the detective wanted to keep it that way.
Then there was the fact that Casey said he understood Jane's need to be a cop, to find the bad guys and take them down, but Jane didn't fully believe that. If he'd really understood, he wouldn't randomly show up at her work and undermine her years of work to look like one of the guys. He wouldn't look so disappointed when she was working late or around the clock and he couldn't talk to her because of it. He wouldn't ask her to get married and put her in a position where she felt she had to choose or lose, which could only negatively affect her ability to do her job.
She pushed her second empty bottle to the end of the table. With a heavy sigh, she poked at the ring, sliding it around through the wet rings of condensation left on the table from her drinks. She was drowning in confusion and emotions, and it was all his fault for putting her in this position.
Why would he do this to her?
The server returned, and, this time, she ordered a cup of coffee, a glass of water, and a basket of fries. It occurred to her she probably shouldn't be halfway to buzzed while trying to work this out. The drinks arrived quickly. She sipped at the water before starting in on doctoring her coffee just how she liked it. It was mindless, but it let her switch off her brain for a few minutes. She needed the mental break.
She stared around her, taking in the people at the bar. Her eyes fell to a couple sitting on the same side of the booth together. They were snuggled up, eating from the same plate and talking. They weren't being overly demonstrative in their affection for each other, but it was clear they loved each other. You could see the affection in their eyes; it left little doubt.
She sighed and took a sip of her coffee. The question was simple. Did she or did she not want to marry Casey Jones? Why was the answer so complicated?
She looked back to the couple, who were looking at something on one of their phones, and she was struck at the coordination and give-and-take involved in that simple action and how easily the two of them performed it all, without so much as thought. They simply acted in tandem. They were a unit, equally maneuvering around each other so they both had what they needed to make the whole situation work.
It hit her. That was why she was having a problem with this answer. She was so worried about Casey needs, his feelings, that she wasn't paying attention to her own, and, conversely, she wasn't very certain he was returning the favor. He'd dumped it all in her lap and walked away to make her choose, which gave neither consideration of her feelings nor a bit of fulfillment of her wants. There was no way for them to create compromise. It was one thing or the other, but nothing in between.
That's not how a marriage should start.
It should start based on equality and remain so. A marriage was a partnership. The two people involved had equal say in it, and that should be true even from the beginning, and they should know each other, really know, not just have a good idea. Two people who marry should be best friends. They should feel comfortable sharing everything a person is willing to share with another. There shouldn't be any hesitation.
The engagement should start with a relationship like she had with Maura, not like she had with Casey. If she and Maura were to get married, they'd have a good marriage because they were already equals. They understood each other. Maura knew exactly who Jane was, she loved despite everything. Maura didn't try to change Jane or change they was Jane lived her life. The doctor learned to live with Jane, and vice versa. Their habits melded together, and they eventually found a rhythm. They worked together and they worked in tandem. They had balance.
Jane sat up a bit straighter and slowly blinked a few times.
The server sat her basket of fries and a bottle of ketchup down on the table, and Jane startled. She was completely lost in her thoughts as realization hit her hard. She couldn't marry Casey Jones. He wasn't right for her. If he had been, the answer would have been simple and immediate. The answer would have been 'yes' as opposed to 'let me think about it.'
She looked down at her fries, suddenly not hungry but very anxious. She couldn't marry Casey because she wasn't in love with Casey. She wasn't even sure if she loved him at all, really. He was a place holder, and, now that she'd figured it out, she couldn't very well ignore it.
It was time to talk to Maura.
Picking up her phone, she hit her speed dial and waited. The doctor's cheerful voice answered after the first ring, and Jane felt a relieved smile fall across her lips. "Hey, if you're not busy right now, I'm at the Robber, and I'm staring at a basket of fries that I'm pretty sure I could use help with. You want come give me a hand?"
She loved the little chuckle that met her question. "Jane, is that the first thing you've eaten today?"
"Well, I haven't eaten it yet." She poked at the fries. "You coming or what?"
"Let me tell Angela I'm leaving so she knows to lock up when she goes, and I'll be there in a few." Maura's voice dropped from lighthearted to serious in a breath. It was uncanny how she always knew when something was bothering Jane. "Is everything okay?"
"Yes and no. There a few things I want to talk to you about." Jane caught the server's eye. He was across the room taking another table's order, but nodded that he'd be there next.
"About Casey and his proposal?" This is why Maura was the better choice. She got it.
"Yeah, and," Jane wasn't sure how much she really wanted to say over the phone. This was going to be a hard conversation regardless, "about you and me."
The dead silence that met her answer made Jane squirm. She was suddenly concerned she'd gotten everything all wrong, but Maura's answer soothed her. "Tell the server I want a Caesar salad and a glass of water with a twist of lemon. I know you've already flagged him down. I'll be there in twenty minutes." She could hear the relieved sigh come from Maura's end of the line. It made her feel better. "And I'm glad you called me."
"Me, too, Maura. I'll see you soon." The server stepped up as she ended the call. She placed the order, and he smiled. She gave him a hard look. "What?"
"Your girlfriend always orders the same thing, and then she steals your fries and half your burger. You want me to put in an order for your usual so you have enough fries? You already have a basket, so between that and what comes with the burger, you might have a shot at actually getting some this time."
She chuckled. For once, she didn't correct. Instead, she nodded and added, "Throw in another beer, too."
He nodded, walking away to put in the order, and she looked down at the fries, picking one up to pop into her mouth.
Marry Casey? No. Talk to Maura about going on a date with her? Yes. That idea jumped out at her as something she very much wanted to do. She'd deal with the rest of it later.
Thank you for reading. This is a one shot; I don't have plans to extend it. As always, reviews are appreciated.