A Rain on the Tiles, A Reign on the Parody
KSlycke:
(Gavel sounds)
This meeting of the author and the characters will come to order. Ehrenstein take a note.
Ehrenstein:
(looks up from Administrative Law and Regulatory Policy: Problems text and cases Seventh Edition)
Why do I have to write the minutes?
KSlycke:
Because you're the token Jew and Jews are good at that stuff. Now shut up Ehrenstein.
In the rec room Dixon, Low Light, Sharon Dixon, General Hawk, Beachhead, Cover Girl, Snake Eyes, Scarlet and the rest of the original characters took their seats. No name cook sat in the back. He glowered at Butch and Charlie making goo goo eyes at each other. In the front Brooks and Popelka were fighting over who had to sit next to Low Light.
KSlycke:
OK people listen up. Since I'm the author I'll start this meeting. Pay attention OC's. This directly concerns you. See I've noticed that you guys have been running rampant in the past storyline. This has to stop! You've been written about more times than Snake Eyes and Scarlet for crying out loud! And everyone likes Snake Eyes and Scarlet.
Scarlet:
I love you big guy.
Snake Eyes:
(a hoarse voice that hurts him)
Sh-Sh-Shanaaaa…..
KSlycke: (groans. turns to the front)
Anyway Dixon that means you. Now I was going to kill you off ala Tom Berringer in the 1993 Sniper but people seem to like you so I'll overlook it. Besides Shooter with Marky Mark sucked. I realize that you're Low Light's sniper in A Rain on the Tiles and his spotter in Sympathy for the Devil but you're walking a thin line in becoming a Gary Stu. You don't want to be a Gary Stu do you Dixon?
(peers down)
Dixon:
(shakes head)
N-No Boss.
KSlycke:
Second. Let's all congratulate Beachhead on a job well done. That was quite the performance you did in the desert Beach! You're a stand up guy when it comes to your friends. I couldn't have done it better if I wrote it myself. And a fat Peter Frampton! That cracked me up!
Beachhead:
(grins)
Well I'm not always a hard ass.
Cover Girl:
(smiles)
You have a hard ass doesn't mean you are a hard ass Lover Boy.
Beachhead and Cover Girl:
(hold hands. because well to tell you the truth I don't know if they have sex or not. There's always the weird camera angle that just shows curtains blowing in the wind when the moment arrives. shit they could be playing pinochle for all I know))
KSlycke:
Congratulations Beachhead!
Everyone:
(claps)
KSlycke:
For that you win a fifty dollar gift certificate to Applebee's. Now you can go out on a real date.
(hands him a gift card)
Beachhead:
Yay! They have two for twenty meals. We can go twice Cover Girl!
Cover Girl:
(doesn't look impressed)
Wow hold me back.
KSlycke:
(coughs)
Next: Hawk I'm sorry but you have to let Sharon go. She has to go back to Fort Leonard Wood. That's all there is to it. No, no, don't cry. It wasn't even supposed to be that way! But capsarchick said often in romance novels there's a lot of antagonism between the two characters before they get together. You have to admit that Sharon had some good arguments. That and I would have felt weird if Low Light was banging Dixon's mom. Then she'd have to be a part of every story. I had to end it before it began.
Hawk:
God DAMMIT!
Dixon:
Hey that's my line!
Low Light:
(leans forward)
You mean to tell me I could have spent two chapters getting it on with Sharon Dixon but instead you have me whackin' it for the past eight months? God DAMMIT!
Dixon:
Seriously! That's my line guys!
Sharon Dixon:
(filing her nails. she looks like the short haired Sandra Bullock)
What about me? I'm the one that fucked an old guy. Thanks Boss.
Dixon:
Mom! Eewww!
Hawk:
I didn't hear you complaining Sharon.
Sharon Dixon:
You were crushing me! I couldn't breathe!
Low Light:
Doesn't matter had sex
Hawk:
But I cried the whole time!
Low Light:
Doesn't matter had sex
Sharon Dixon:
She put a bag on my head!
Low Light and Hawk:
Still counts
Hawk:
I remember that. I just thought you were being kinky.
No name cook:
I fed you cereal for breakfast.
Everyone:
Doesn't matter had Chex
KSlycke:
(laughing. then coughs. that's such a crap joke but it makes me laugh. gets composure)
Hey! Hey! Order! Order!
(sound of gavel)
Order:
Woof Woof!
KSlycke:
Not you Order! No! Sit! Stop humping No name cooks leg!
No name Cook:
It's always me.
(wipes pants)
Order:
(ruddint radder rad rex. Woof!)
Runs off.
KSlycke:
(sound of a throat clearing)
Ahem OK now that I have this back under control I'm afraid some of you are just going to have to die. Ridenhour, Holt, and Casteneva, you die in a tragic helicopter crash that they pass off as pilot error. You were taking the helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon. They told you three wouldn't fit. Everyone comes to your funeral. There's tears and blah blah blah. They do a twenty one gun salute. Then they plant flags at your tombstones. It's all very tragic.
Ridenhour, Holt, and Casteneva:
God DAMMIT!
Dixon:
Come on!
KSlycke:
Butch and Charlie: Charlie dies giving birth to a twelve pound baby boy. Really.
(nods)
I mean look at yourself. You're like HUGE man! How the hell did you guys even…never mind. Charlie everyone comes to your funeral. There's tears and they count the flowers as they're placed on the coffin. There's a scene where Butch holds his infant son and kisses his forehead. It's all very tragic. They rename the Do or Dine to Charlie's Diner. Butch you cope with the loss by raising your son as a single father.
Butch:
You can't kill Charlie! She's having my baby! That's outside of the lines. I mean there has to be a law in there or something right Ehrenstein?
(looks at the Jew. Ehrenstein shrugs)
Fan Fiction won't allow it! We'll move away! We'll go to another Fan Fic. You'll never have to hear from us again! I promise!
KSlycke:
Promise?
Butch and Charlie:
We promise!
KSlycke:
You know I wrote you right?
Butch and Charlie:
(blank stares)
KSlycke:
(sighs)
Oh alright you two. Besides I think you're kind of cute together. I'd feel like shit killing off a pregnant lady.
Butch and Charlie kiss.
Everyone:
Awwwwww!
KSlycke:
I know right?
(wiping of unshed tears. sniffs)
KSlycke:
Moving right along. No name cook well you're secretly me. I can't kill myself off. I'm like what's his face the horror dude. Stephen King. Or the comic book guy. The one that does X Men. Stan Lee. Or the other guy. M. Knight Shamalan. I make an appearance in all my stories.
Low Light:
Hey Wait. I'm starting to sense a pattern here….
KSlycke:
God DAMMIT!
Dixon:
….
KSlycke:
OK last but not least Brooks and Popelka.
(the music from Dancing with the Stars when they do the elimination)
You are
(dun dun dun dun that goes on for five fleeping minutes. people yawn. Low Light falls asleep)
SAFE!
Brooks and Popelka:
(high fiving hand clap)
Low Light:
(snore)
(wakes up. wipes drool from his chin)
What I miss?!
Brooks:
(the only black guy left)
We be safe mutha fucka!
KSlycke:
OK that was racist.
Low Light:
(looks at Brooks. he has gauze in his nose)
Since when did you start sounding like Samuel L. Jackson?
Ehrenstein:
(rolls eyes)
Oh great now we have the token black guy.
KSlycke:
I told you to shut up Ehrenstein! Don't piss me off or I'll kill you next! I'm only keeping you around because Low Light might need a Jewish Lawyer some day.
(Ehrenstein gulps. his adams apple bobs up and down because Jews that wear thick glasses have big adams apples)
KSlycke:
Alright since that business is taken care of we have a lot of business coming up. Low Light and Dixon you're up next. Dixon you're going to be with Firewall. Daemon died in GI Joe RAH issue 22. She's lonely blah blah blah. You comfort her. It's all very tragic. In the mean time start practicing. Hug your pillow. Kiss your elbow. I don't care. Just get ready. Got it?
Dixon:
(fist pumps in the air)
Whooo hooo! I'm gettin' some!
Low Light:
(growls. flat voice)
Congratulations.
Beachhead:
(grumbling) Of course he is.
Cover Girl:
Now now Wayne we had our time. Willwrite4fics does a great job with our BH/CG stories.
KSlycke:
It all started with Slayne22 and Red Witch. Cyberlife was pretty damn good. It's a shame you can't find it anymore. Blame them Beachhead. I'm focusing on Low Light.
Beachhead:
Yeah but at least I was getting it steady back then.
Cover Girl:
(blushes)
KSlycke:
Wait your turn Beachhead! Or I'll give you a really bad surfer dude accent.
(does anyone remember that? wow was that craptastic!)
Beachhead:
(grumbling)
Yes Boss.
KSlycke:
(looks at Low Light)
OK Low Light. You see you're what we call a sympathetic character. You have fatal flaws that follow you. When you try to do the right thing it backfires on you. You have a sense of morality and integrity that people can relate to. Even though you're a raging alcoholic womanizer you still have honor. In fact I'm surprised you don't have an STD or liver failure. Wow you should have trich or the clap by now. I'd rather see you jerk off until you're calloused man. I mean whores? They've seen more ceilings than Michelangelo. I don't know how anyone could fuck them. And for fifty bucks! That's like forty-nine dollars too much. You must spend a fortune in condoms. Those suckers aren't cheap man. I mean
Low Light:
I GET IT! Besides you're the one that wrote me that way!
KSlycke:
(liffts hands in the air)
OK fair enough. But it's too late now. It's part of your storyline and I'm not changing it.
Low Light:
God D
Dixon :
DON'T SAY IT!
Low Light:
(rolls his eyes)
Alright alright. Geez. I do have to say I liked the part about Gary Cooper and a Farewell to Arms. Nice touch Boss.
KSlycke:
(pats back)
I was pretty proud of that myself.
Low Light:
And that sweet ride! Whoa! A decked out Harley Davidson Road King! Niiiicccee…..
(they knuckle punch)
KSlycke:
Yeah I figured you'd like it. I couldn't have you going around in a minivan.
Dixon:
(snorts)
Snake Eyes:
(crosses his arms)
*I drive a minivan. It has a lot of room*
Scarlet:
(blushes)
Snake Eyes:
*If the van is a rockin' don't come-a knockin'.*
Dixon:
(goes pale)
Low Light:
See Boss? Everyone else has a girlfriend and I'm stuck with Jill! You made me screw around on the love of my life! Now I'll never be the same! A-A-Ammyyyy…!
Snake Eyes:
*Hey that's my line!*
Low Light:
But I loved her! I'll never listen to Boz Scaggs again! Waaah!
KSlycke:
(shakes head)
Oh stop being so dramatic. It's only because I like Boz Scaggs. It's on my Pandora. I listened to it as I wrote it. Hopefully people will check it out. We're all Alone and Look what You've Done to Me are the most romantic songs on earth. No. Really. Check it out. Haven't you ever seen Urban Cowboy? Wow. Just. Wow.
Snake Eyes:
(checks his Pandora. Adds Boz Scaggs)
KSlycke:
(pounding of gavel)
OK characters now that we've had this talk we need to get to work! The next story could happen at any time. Some of you I'll be taking with me. Be prepared. And remember: be safe out there.
Ehrenstein:
That's from Hillstreet Blues!
Everyone:
God DAMMIT!
Dixon:
Mother FUCK!
The End
LOL