A/N: Found this in email a while ago (which means I was probably writing it at work). It originated from a Tumblr post that suggested Cas would become a Youtube star after posting instructional videos to his fellow angels. So, I polished it up a bit and thought I would post it. It's a bit of Destiel fluff. I hope you enjoy.
Also, I don't own the characters and make no profit from this.
Castiel sat in front of the laptop and carefully adjusted the computer, and consequently the screen, as Sam had instructed him to do when he and Dean had been off on a hunt and recently-human Castiel had been recovering from lack of proper food and water. Dean had insisted on a way of checking on Castiel for himself, despite the fact that Kevin was also at the bunker and capable of telling them how the former angel was faring.
The tiny square at the corner of the screen showed Castiel, framed by the recording software. His face was there, though it was perhaps a bit blurry. He was unsure how to correct that, so it would have to suffice.
"Hello, Brothers and Sisters," he said, looking at the little square in the top of the screen. "You are likely familiar with me, but if you do not know my vessel – though I am unsure how. I started a civil war and laid waste to huge portions of Heaven while wearing it..." That was an uncomfortable memory and he squirmed slightly in his seat at the mention of it. "Nonetheless, I am Castiel. You probably know that I am also the one that Metatron duped into throwing you all out of Heaven."
He tried to look as earnest as he could as he spoke next. "Metatron has since been dealt with, and I am sure that you have questions how that is possible when you, as it is my understanding, are now mere humans. God has returned to Heaven and punished Metatron for forcing us all onto this world, though it was obvious that he agreed with that decision. Apparently, our Father has been on Earth for some time, learning human culture, writing the Winchester gospel and playing ski ball. Dean and Sam found this fact amusing, as did our Father, so I can only assume there is a pop culture reference of which I am unaware. But during his time here, Father has been living as a human. This is what he wants for all of us. To learn about humanity.
"Learning is why I am speaking to you today. I do not consider myself an expert on being either an angel or a human, but God has ordered that we must remain. That means that our current human condition is a permanent one. At least, until we all come by a human death."
Castiel straightened in his chair. "I will try to help you as I can. I am told that by posting this, I will reach millions, and hopefully, you are among those millions."
#
"He has five thousand hits," Charlie said to Kevin as they scanned Castiel's YouTube account and his singular video.
"Is that good?" Castiel asked as he stood behind them.
"For a blurry video of a man talking to a camera, that's incredible," Kevin said. "But if you really want to do this well enough it will actually reach your brothers, you're going to need some serious help with the camerawork." Castiel was surprised. He had known that Charlie would assist him, but he thought that Kevin would take the same view as the Winchesters when he had mentioned his idea earlier that week. Both of the brothers had felt it would be unwise to give his siblings the ability to track him, even if they were now limited by human means. Sam had explained their reasoning much better than Dean had done. Dean had just told him not to be an idiot and dismissed the idea.
Still, Castiel felt as though he owed his brothers this much, at least. They had possessed a plan, though it had been a poor one, and he had ruined it by siding with the Winchesters. And when he had tried to fix it, he had only caused them pain. So many died following him or Raphael; many more once he gained the power of Purgatory. He could only begin to guess who had suffered what fates as a result of Metatron. This was the very least he could do.
"Would it be appropriate for me to record more?"
"It couldn't hurt," Charlie said.
#
Dean answered his phone, wondering as he saw the caller ID why Garth was calling him after they'd just spoken an hour ago about how the hunt ended up. "Garth, buddy, what's up?"
"Your angel's an internet celebrity. That's what's up."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean he's got a web series. I have to guess that most people think it's a joke, but he's been making videos. Dozens of them, giving advice to the now-fallen angels." Dean very nearly wrecked Baby. He thought they had put a kibash on that idea months ago. He was going to kill the nerdy little angel. Former angel, his mind supplied, and he internally winced.
When he hung up, he explained the whole situation to Sam, and they spent the next hour on the way back to the bunker looking for anywhere that had wifi that was still open. When they finally found a 24-hour McDonalds, they were already so close to the bunker, it made more sense just to get home. They were quiet as they arrived through the door, as Crowley, Kevin, Charlie, and Cas were all in bed for the night. It was still the wee hours of the morning.
They immediately made their way to the library and opened Sam's laptop to watch their newfound star in the bunker.
#
Video #2 – Food 1,532,011 hits
"You absolutely must eat. Ideally, healthy foods, as Sam suggests to me. Often. And many of these are quite delicious. I would suggest you sample burgers at least once if possible. Hamburgers made with ground beef are a personal favorite of mine, but will not be easy to come by in Hindu nations. I am sure there are other, local alternatives." He didn't seem all that enthusiastic about the alternatives, but soldiered on. "Dean makes them with cheddar cheese, tomato, lettuce, ketchup, mustard, and onion."
He paused and thought for a moment while Dean chimed in from his place in the library. "And bacon."
"Oh, and bacon on the top." He got nearly dreamy-eyed for a moment. "You will like bacon. For those of you in Muslim or Jewish areas... sneak a taste if you can. It is worth it. If not, I am told substitutes exist made of turkey or vegetables. But there is nothing like real bacon. Dean calls it meat candy. Sam makes inappropriate jokes about that statement, but nonetheless, it is quite tasty. I will explain inappropriate jokes at a later time."
#
Video #3 – Sleep 1,721,952 hits
The angel looked like he had just woken up, which was surprisingly easy for Dean to discern from his normal hair. He didn't like to admit that. "Sleep will feel unnatural at first. It may even elude you. If you can find someone you trust to sleep with you, however, it can be pleasant. When I say that, I mean actually sleep. Humans use sleep as a euphemism for sexual intercourse. Be certain you are not misunderstood when you make such a request." Despite himself, the hunter felt himself blushing at that. He remembered that moment of confusion. Cas seemed to be thinking about it, too, though he looked almost wistful compared to Dean's embarrassed.
"Where was I? Oh. Yes." He looked above the camera at something or someone. Was one of the other residents of the bunker helping him with this and jogging Cas's memory at that moment in the video? "Sleeping with someone can be most comforting. It can help with your dreams, what you see in your mind when you sleep. I have found that sharing the bed with someone makes the dreams pleasant. I am more likely to have a nightmare, a frightening or unpleasant dream, when I sleep alone. At the very least, it is a relief to have someone there to pull you out of the nightmare. Though, I would recommend finding someone who can be there permanently. You may miss the feeling of not being alone."
Dean felt guilty, wondering how many nightmares Cas had gone through in the nights since he stopped climbing into Dean's bed. The guilt quickly faded with awkwardness as Sam was eying him suspiciously. "It was just the first few nights," he told his younger brother, snappishly. "He was lonely and came into my room looking like a lost puppy who hadn't slept in a week. Lay off."
#
Video #4 – The Arcade 2,001,012 hits
This time, Cas was wearing his stupid "soda" helmet he'd won last month, and to the best of Dean's knowledge, that was the only drink that had gone into the hat since he'd gotten it. Though Dean and Crowley, even Kevin, had pointed out that the hat was typically used for beer and had only been promoted for use with cola because they were marketing to children, the former angel would have none of it.
"This," Cas said with the tube half-jammed in his mouth, "is what I won at the arcade. I have learned now what skiball is. It is amusing, though I do not know why it would have provided such entertainment for our Father. I have seen the movie that references God playing skiball, but I would recommend that you all avoid Dogma for some time. It takes... appreciating humanity's blasphemous sense of humor, and that is an acquired taste. It is still quite bitter for me because it, as Dean put it, makes 'Metatron look cool.'" He took a long drag on straw to drain some of the Coke from the cans on either side of his head. "I would, however, suggest you visit an arcade, skiball or not, Dogma or not. It is quite fun. Sam prefers the racing games I think because Dean does not often let him drive. Dean likes shooting games, but I think it is because he is so good at them. There is also a dance game, which Dean is terrible at, but I quite enjoyed." He pulled the straw from his mouth. "That is all for now."
Dean shook his head. "Socially awkward and reaching an audience of … millions from the look of it."
#
Video #5 – Chastity 2,111,055 hits
"Do not, under any circumstances reassure a prostitute that her father loved her. She will get very angry and throw you out of the den of iniquity."
There was a disapproving stare as this very short video ended. "A prostitute?" Sam asked. "You took him to a whorehouse?"
"He was a virgin and about to die. And I figured 'We who are about to die deserve some ass.'" Dean shrugged.
"You're an ass."
#
Video #6 – Pets 1,953,234 hits
This time, Cas had his damned kitten with him, not that the little gray thing was usually very far from the angel. "This is Zepplin. He was hiding under some boxes near a diner in Illinois." The little kitten clawed Cas's shirt until it was perched on his shoulder. "Dean insisted if he had to take a steady dose of allergy medicine, that the cat must be named after Led Zepplin. I do not think he minds." The gray cat nudged against the angel's cheek. "Having pets is a truly rewarding endeavor. If you have the ability to care for one, I strongly suggest a cat. Sam, however, prefers dogs and is quite irritated he cannot have one. His ex-girlfriend kept their dog, and I think he still misses him. Though … he probably misses her, too."
Dean looked over at his brother to find him looking a bit pained, and Dean couldn't help but feel guilty for his own role in that.
#
Video #7 – Jobs 1,842,001 hits
Once again, Zepplin was on Cas's shoulder. "I cannot speak from practical experience, but it seems important to find a job here. Gainful employment has eluded me, though I have found a purpose in being a hunter alongside the Winchesters. It does not pay well. However, to do nearly anything I have spoken of in my previous videos, you will need money. For this reason, perhaps it would have behooved me to have mentioned getting a job sooner. I'm sorry. "
He looked away from the camera as though he was focusing on something beyond it. Was the person helping him with this using cue cards?
"Find something that you can find enjoyment in and that you have the necessary skills to do. If you cannot find a job that will make you happy, find one that will give you the time to enjoy yourself outside of work. Quite possibly one of the worst things that can face someone is the prospect of spending all your time on this earth at a job you do not enjoy with no time to find other activities that bring you pleasure."
Castiel looked at the screen earnestly. "I have found my purpose and happiness in being a hunter, and I will find ways to make money to make it happen."
A weight Dean hadn't known was on his chest lifted. He had feared that the angel would have rather found someone to start a family with, to have settled down. Instead, he was happy with Dean.
#
Video #8 – Pool 1,931,898 hits
Cas was wearing that absurdly big gold watch he'd won weeks ago in a pool game. "I believe that I said I would find a way to fund hunting," he said to the camera. "I believe I have discovered it. It came as a revelation that I am very good at pool. It is basic mathematics and physics. Dean is unhappy, I think, because I bested his skill."
Dean hadn't been happy, but he was sure that hadn't been the reason. In fact, he was sure it was something else he couldn't put his finger on. He felt the familiar pride he always felt, but it lacked the relief that Cas would be able to protect himself. It made Dean feel... unnecessary. He winced and hoped Sam didn't see. He'd wanted Cas to need him because it was just about the only way he thought he could get him to stick around.
"However, I hope this will make me more useful to the brothers. Sometimes, I think they are afraid to let me out on hunts. They fear you, Brothers and Sisters. They worry you still wish to kill me." For a moment, Castiel looked very sad, then he turned off the camera.
#
Video #9 – Clothing 1,990,000 hits
Cas was sitting in the familiar trench coat, though Dean knew it wasn't the one he'd had since they first met. He'd bought it for him. "You want to find clothing that makes you comfortable. Though I rarely wear a suit anymore, this coat..." He ran a hand over it affectionately. "...makes me happy. I wore one similar to it quite often. Some of you may remember that coat. It has become a sort of... security blanket for me. It also fits me better than the one I once wore. I'm not sure how Dean managed to find my fit so well without me there, but..."
He looked as though he was trying to force himself to focus on the camera again. "The point, however, is to find clothing that makes you happy and allows you to blend in. I sometimes must abandon this coat because it is inappropriate to wear such clothing in warm weather or in someone's home, but I have a growing wardrobe, and other items of clothing make me happy for other reasons."
He moved his hand to the T-shirt he wore beneath the coat just before the video ended.
"He was wearing your AC/DC shirt," Sam said suspiciously.
"Didn't fit me anymore," Dean said, though it did.
"It makes him 'happy,' Dean."
"Shut up."
#
Video #10 – Sex 2,143,593 hits
"Sexual intercourse is one of the greater benefits to humanity," Cas said. Immediately, Sam looked to Dean, but the suspicion quickly turned to pity when he finally met Dean's eyes. He had to have seen how obviously surprised, even hurt the older brother was by this revelation. Before any words could be exchanged, but while Cas was going into detail on the subject on the video, Dean was at his feet and charging down the hallway to Castiel's room.
He opened the door so harshly that it slammed against the wall. The former angel sat up in bed and reached for the gun he kept under his pillow. Dean stormed across the room and must have looked so furious that the angel seemed genuinely terrified. The gun didn't drop, as though he expected Dean to be possessed. Zepplin, who had been asleep at the foot of the bed, didn't seem too convinced Dean was safe at the moment, either, and his little body was tightly coiled and his fur standing on end.
"Who did you sleep with? Your 'wife?' Meg? Someone else before we found you? Someone while we were on a hunt?" Dean had a hold of the T-shirt Cas wore before he knew what he was doing.
Cas laughed, actually laughed and lowered the gun. "Charlie gave me a cue card. She wrote it. Which became quite awkward when it obviously involved relations between two women. I tried to improvise, and it didn't go well after that." He gently pulled Dean's fingers from the cotton fabric. "Were you jealous?"
Sam poked his head in the room. "Everything okay in here?"
"Fine," Cas assured him, and Sam like the good brother he was seemed to realize he wasn't needed and left. When Sam closed the door behind him, Cas reached for the camcorder on the table at his side. "Want to see Video Number 25?" He opened the screen so that Dean could see and pressed play.
Video #25 - Love
"Love is... painful and wonderful simultaneously. I have some experience with it. We all knew that purely devotional love we had for our Father, and I have found that sort of familial love with the company I currently keep. Most of them, at least. I had an appreciation and deep gratitude for a woman once and something that might have been love for a demon. Before that demon was killed, fighting for me and the Winchesters... Meg. Her name was Meg. She let me know that my feelings were reciprocal. She felt for me as I felt for her. That was a warm, pleasant feeling."
The Castiel on the screen looked away while the one in the bed was intently focused on Dean. "There is one love that has eclipsed them all, and grows continually even as I swear it cannot possibly become stronger. I don't know that it is returned. I do not doubt that I am loved, but it is the how he loves that I am unsure of. I would do anything for him. I have willingly, happily and unregretfully sacrificed for him."
Dean moved the camcorder to the endtable and pressed his lips to Cas's.
"I can only imagine if it was ever returned, I would feel a happiness like I've never known. I would feel light and good and full. I would feel whole and unafraid, because fear for his safety has always and will always be present, but unafraid that we would be apart. I think it would remind me of what it was like to fly. In him, I think, I can find that exhilaration again."