AN: Okay this is really awkward. I have never seen Supernatural. But thanks to the influence of my lovely friend Jade, here I am with a Supernatural fanfiction. What have I become... Anyway, I hope you like it, and sorry for any inconsistencies! Supernatural belongs to Supernatural people, not me. The words from the episode are not mine either. :)
"I'm afraid I might kill myself."
He was trying not to show it.
Trying not to show the fear roiling inside of him.
But the words left unspoken, hanging over the men's heads and spoken perhaps too clearly in his eyes.
I'm not just afraid Dean. I know how far I have gone and what I have done. I know what I deserve now and that just terrifies me further.
I'm a murderer. I took away innocent lives, innocent human lives but also the lives of my family.
I destroyed heaven.
It's my fault.
The punishment for murder is death, Dean, and for a good reason.
I don't think I can live with it anymore.
I can't trust myself.
I can't trust my thoughts.
My fate terrifies me not because I live this life but because God has not taken me away from the post I am unworthy to hold.
I was supposed to protect you and I destroyed you; I was supposed to be a soldier for heaven and I was a revolutionary to tear it apart.
And yet I am still alive.
My mind wonders why.
And the question tears me apart.
I do not want the constant forgiveness anymore.
It just shows me how much I have to pay back.
All the reasons I have to die again and again.
I no longer fear death; only the respite it brings.
The sound of Sam entering the room broke their eye contact.
"Hey. Got something," Sam said.
Cas stood up, preventing further conversation and leaving the topic untouched as if it had never been brought up.
Leaving the words unspoken.
Because that was what they were always meant to be.